holy crapsticks it's hot
Alright period, I'm tired of you being here. Time to move on! It really is time for some birth control or something. It's not fair that the signs show up two weeks in advance, and super tampons really, really hurt to wear. >_<
I got back from spending the weekend at Chris' place, and I have a lot to think about. It's so very strange being with someone who actually WANTS you around that I don't really know how to approach the situation. But with all things it has its own problems, and I need to address mine.
I don't talk much. I am perfectly capable of doing so, but I don't. I can see how it'd bother him, it bothers me too because I wish that I wasn't holding back everything I want to say. But I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing or just saying something he'll find weird that I opt to not say anything. I want to be more talkative, and I've a plan to enact tonight that hopefully will fix this--a nice Q&A session.
He says I'm not very assertive. I can understand that, kind of. I think I'm assertive when it counts. He doesn't like that I haven't drawn any boundaries yet, but what has he done for me to disagree with so vehemently that I have to be like "NO"? Nothing of the sort has happened. There's been a couple things where I COULD be like that, but the situation is not mine to control. I very much don't want him moving into that house with that family because it isn't worth the money and is a terrible investment compared to what he has now, but it is not my place to make that decision for him. I just know that I wouldn't be able to see him as often and I don't like that plan, but I want him to make decisions for himself because HE thinks they are good or bad ideas, not because I told him to. I want him to come to these conclusions on his own, because then he will see the scale of it for himself. My saying it to him will not mean as much. I don't think I'm not being assertive, I think I'm being sensible in letting him come to his own conclusions about the decisions he makes. There's no reason I should have to disagree or draw a line like that somewhere, especially with someone I still don't know all that well, where I'm like "NO, NOT AT ALL EVER" about something. There's no sense in being like that about hardly anything.
I'm also not very assertive in the bedroom either, and I'm starting to think I am more messed up in that department than I thought I was. I have such a severe mental block about sex that I just freeze up. Everything that happened last year didn't really help either, and I think I am more afraid of sex than I thought I was. I don't know much and I don't know how to take charge and feel confident. The pressure is on me in that situation and because I truly, for once in my life, do NOT know what I'm doing, I just lose it. I clam up. I don't think I explained the full severity of the whole thing with John in detail to him--I went through the whole rigamarole with the aftermath of it, but not the actual relationship John and I had then that shaped who I am now. I am terrified of taking charge during sex because a) I don't know what I'm doing and reading doesn't help and b) I think more is being expected of me than I am capable of giving. I'm really not being dramatic when I say I don't know. I truly don't know a fucking thing, pardon the horrible pun. I know I just have to power through it, but I just don't have the confidence unless I'm drunk as hell. I don't like that at all and I want to be able to do it on my own. Not to mention, we really haven't had any time to ourselves in the past couple weeks, when we first talked about this. I told him it would take time, and it's hard to do that when you don't have any chances.
Also, I'm amused that he said I'm clingy. I kind of am I guess, I don't notice when I'm being like that. I think he really just mean when we're sleeping together, because he mentioned that I try to use him as a body pillow and that it wakes him up. But I'm sure I'm clingy in other ways too. I guess I do secretly crave affection, but I don't know how to ask for it, so I just try to go about that in the best way I know how to: go in for it first. It doesn't really tie in up with my previous paragraph, but I don't know anymore. I'm some sort of walking contradiction I guess?
We did sort of skip the whole dating phase, and I feel bad about that. I'm going to propose some sort of idea for next weekend that is akin to a date and see how it flies, we'll go from there.
He thinks he has problems that I don't know how to deal with, and honestly, it isn't the case. I don't think there's anything wrong with him. He might think so, but isn't part of accepting someone accepting those faults as well? Aren't faults what really make someone who they are, rather than their good points? I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve, but it is your faults and mistakes that shape how you do things and act towards others. I feel like I can accept his faults and instead I see them for what they truly are: character. Do I have the concept wrong or something?
There's so much more I want to say on all of this, but I'm not sure how to articulate it all yet. I really would rather talk to him about it but he's at work right now and at this point it's the closest to peace and quiet he gets from me, poor guy. @_@
I need to write my paper on the plague and finish my French composition, then come up with some questions to ask. I like to plan these things in advance.
I got back from spending the weekend at Chris' place, and I have a lot to think about. It's so very strange being with someone who actually WANTS you around that I don't really know how to approach the situation. But with all things it has its own problems, and I need to address mine.
I don't talk much. I am perfectly capable of doing so, but I don't. I can see how it'd bother him, it bothers me too because I wish that I wasn't holding back everything I want to say. But I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing or just saying something he'll find weird that I opt to not say anything. I want to be more talkative, and I've a plan to enact tonight that hopefully will fix this--a nice Q&A session.
He says I'm not very assertive. I can understand that, kind of. I think I'm assertive when it counts. He doesn't like that I haven't drawn any boundaries yet, but what has he done for me to disagree with so vehemently that I have to be like "NO"? Nothing of the sort has happened. There's been a couple things where I COULD be like that, but the situation is not mine to control. I very much don't want him moving into that house with that family because it isn't worth the money and is a terrible investment compared to what he has now, but it is not my place to make that decision for him. I just know that I wouldn't be able to see him as often and I don't like that plan, but I want him to make decisions for himself because HE thinks they are good or bad ideas, not because I told him to. I want him to come to these conclusions on his own, because then he will see the scale of it for himself. My saying it to him will not mean as much. I don't think I'm not being assertive, I think I'm being sensible in letting him come to his own conclusions about the decisions he makes. There's no reason I should have to disagree or draw a line like that somewhere, especially with someone I still don't know all that well, where I'm like "NO, NOT AT ALL EVER" about something. There's no sense in being like that about hardly anything.
I'm also not very assertive in the bedroom either, and I'm starting to think I am more messed up in that department than I thought I was. I have such a severe mental block about sex that I just freeze up. Everything that happened last year didn't really help either, and I think I am more afraid of sex than I thought I was. I don't know much and I don't know how to take charge and feel confident. The pressure is on me in that situation and because I truly, for once in my life, do NOT know what I'm doing, I just lose it. I clam up. I don't think I explained the full severity of the whole thing with John in detail to him--I went through the whole rigamarole with the aftermath of it, but not the actual relationship John and I had then that shaped who I am now. I am terrified of taking charge during sex because a) I don't know what I'm doing and reading doesn't help and b) I think more is being expected of me than I am capable of giving. I'm really not being dramatic when I say I don't know. I truly don't know a fucking thing, pardon the horrible pun. I know I just have to power through it, but I just don't have the confidence unless I'm drunk as hell. I don't like that at all and I want to be able to do it on my own. Not to mention, we really haven't had any time to ourselves in the past couple weeks, when we first talked about this. I told him it would take time, and it's hard to do that when you don't have any chances.
Also, I'm amused that he said I'm clingy. I kind of am I guess, I don't notice when I'm being like that. I think he really just mean when we're sleeping together, because he mentioned that I try to use him as a body pillow and that it wakes him up. But I'm sure I'm clingy in other ways too. I guess I do secretly crave affection, but I don't know how to ask for it, so I just try to go about that in the best way I know how to: go in for it first. It doesn't really tie in up with my previous paragraph, but I don't know anymore. I'm some sort of walking contradiction I guess?
We did sort of skip the whole dating phase, and I feel bad about that. I'm going to propose some sort of idea for next weekend that is akin to a date and see how it flies, we'll go from there.
He thinks he has problems that I don't know how to deal with, and honestly, it isn't the case. I don't think there's anything wrong with him. He might think so, but isn't part of accepting someone accepting those faults as well? Aren't faults what really make someone who they are, rather than their good points? I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve, but it is your faults and mistakes that shape how you do things and act towards others. I feel like I can accept his faults and instead I see them for what they truly are: character. Do I have the concept wrong or something?
There's so much more I want to say on all of this, but I'm not sure how to articulate it all yet. I really would rather talk to him about it but he's at work right now and at this point it's the closest to peace and quiet he gets from me, poor guy. @_@
I need to write my paper on the plague and finish my French composition, then come up with some questions to ask. I like to plan these things in advance.