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AUTHORS NOTES: Short but it creeping ever closer to a conclusion!
Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three Chapter four
Chapter five
I’m asleep on the couch when I hear the door click, one of those light sleeps where even the wind could wake you up. I didn’t expect him to be out this late, really.
I planned on just staying up and we could even maybe watch some TV or something when he got back but it’s late now, and he comes in the door quietly, expecting me there but trying not to wake me.
I prop myself up on my elbows, squinting into the darkness. “Whatimsit?” I mumble.
“It’s just after twelve” he says calmly, evaluating the situation and tensely coming to sit by me.
Just after twelve? I can’t believe that, he left here at six for god sakes.
“What the hell?” I say, “A six hour date?!”
He tenses up and says, “Jess, listen. Nothing happened. It was an hour to get to the restaurant after picking her up, and then I wanted to be able to leave after dinner so I took my time and tried to stretch it out over the better part of two hours,”
In my head, the math wasn’t adding up. “And then what?” Frantically.
“And then she wanted to go to a movie, and she had everything planned and tickets and I couldn’t say no so we went, and that took about two hours, plus travel time there and back and before I knew it was 12.00”
I was sitting up on the couch now, my legs pulled tight to my chest. John’s eyes were the only thing shining in the darkness.
“She’s a nice girl, Jesse, but that’s it. It was like being out with one of Sean’s girls, it’s just not…right”
I try not to think about the fact that John has, in fact, fucked one of Sean’s girls before.
“Jess, I’m being honest with you, ok? I’m not hiding anything and I’m not holding anything back and I don’t want you to be mad at me for this, this is something I have to do for my parents alright? For my sanity, so they don’t jump into my life and take everything away.”
I nodded my head but I wasn’t really sure if he could even see that in the darkness. But John would know that if it wasn’t ok I would be screaming.
“Are you going to see her again?” I asked, nuzzling my chin on my knee.
“Honestly, I might. I think it might be better to just get this whole fucking this over with, fake a relationship and satisfy my parents. Then maybe I won’t have to deal with this again for a long time.”
“And the next time?” I asked him, “Or when you’re older, I mean do you plan on hiding forever?!” I couldn’t believe this.
“I plan on hiding for as long as I can!” He bantered back at me. “You don’t know what it’s like Jesse!”
He stood up and started pacing. “You don’t understand how hard it is for me, if I could choose I wouldn’t choose this!” He gestured between us.
My eyes burned and I whispered “You don’t mean that.”
“I do! I do mean that, but it’s not a fucking choice Jess, I can’t choose who I love, I can’t choose who I want, or need. I love you, and it’s a fact that I’ve learned to live with only because it’s so strong inside me that it controls everything I do. My entire life is around you; always it’s been like that. And I accept it because it’s this passion that burns so deep inside me that it eats away at me, it lives inside me Jess, and it never, ever sleeps! But they won’t get that, unless they could feel what I feel for you, unless they could wrap themselves inside of this and let it eat away at them they won’t understand. Best case scenario, they’ll think it’s a phase, and that it’s something I’m going to grow out of!” He was yelling and I shrunk back into the couch, the sting of his words echoing in my head.
“Fuck you” I said softly. “Maybe you don’t understand love the way I do John, this love for you that I have, it would live into the next lifetime, if I come back as a fucking dung beetle, I would seek you out as a sparrow and beg you to love me back with my tiny, sand grain sized brain because this thing is in my fucking marrow. It’s not something that I live with because I have to, it’s something that I want, that I would walk across the desert for, that is love.” I finished in a whisper. “My parents don’t like it John, of course not. But that’s ok. Everything is always ok if I’m with you. I don’t have to go and lead some fucking bitch on for six hours because that’s not fair, that’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to me!”
“You don’t even fucking know her, how could you call her a bitch if you haven’t even met her.”
“That’s what you’re focusing on!” I scream, standing up and stomping my foot. “You’re a fucking idiot sometime, John, I’m pouring my whole heart out to you and all you can focus on is the fact that I called your girlfriend a bitch!?”
I start laughing, I can’t help it, I’m so hurt and so angry.
“You’re unbelievable” I feel my eyes burning as I say it.
“You don’t know anything Jesse, you think you have this whole fucking world figured out, you think everything is simple, everything is measured in weeks and in dollars and that’s not life, emotions are weird and relationships are weird and family is weird and you have to make sacrifices!”
“What exactly do you want me to sacrifice John!? What exactly do I have to give up before you take me seriously? What do you want me to, tattoo your fucking name on my ass? Carve it into my arms? Do you want me to write a song for you, never so cryptic, do you want one that blasts through the radio singing, “Nolan, you’re the one”? I’ll fucking do it, you think I won’t do it? I don’t give a shit anymore John, these fucking sacrifices that you want so badly, they’re yours, but don’t you fucking belittle me. Don’t you tell me that I don’t know what love is because I care about my emotions; you have NO idea what I feel. I don’t fucking throw words around John. Do you know how many people I’ve ever told that I loved? Do you have any idea how sparsely I use that word? My heart is under lock and key John, and it’s yours and you don’t seem to give a shit.” I said.
“Ha! You now for someone with all the brains and such deep emotions you can sure be a fucking blank wall sometimes Jess. Fuck.” He said, running his hands through his hair.
I’ve had enough. I walk away and into my bedroom and shut the door, I lie down on the bed and close my eyes.
I’m holding my breath, listening to every sound outside my door. I hear John shuffle around outside, kick something, then the finally the door of his room shut. He’s so fucking stubborn.
Still I try to listen, but all I can hear is my heartbeat so loud inside my body, pulsing throughout every inch of me. I turn on my music softly, Sufjan Stevens, to help me fall asleep. But the mournful tones just make me sad and before I can help it I’m crying.
Shit. I’m really crying. I wish John would come in here and hold me. My tears are streaming hot and heavy against my face and I have half a mind to shut myself up but I just don’t care anymore, I don’t care about anything except John.
It’s almost twenty minutes before there’s a soft knock on the door, he pushes it open without waiting for a response which is better because I know I sound an awful mess right now.
“Jesse?” he says. “What?” I say, softly, choked up.
“I just-are you crying?”
I laugh but it’s a half laugh and tears stream down my face as I do.
“Baby,” he says, coming over to me and crawling on my bed.
I close my eyes and let him crawl closer to me.
“Jesse, baby, please don’t cry, God, I hate it when you cry.” He honestly does seem distraught,
I’m under the blankets and he curls up alongside me without getting under them. Wraps his arms around me and presses his frame to my blanket clad body.
I press my hands to my eyes to try and stop myself from crying, I laugh again in vain and when I pull I away I’m seeing stars.
“Baby,” he kisses me “Please, I love you….I do Jesse, I love you in the only way that I know how, ok?”
I nod my head, my eyes still closed and then I feel his lips across mine.
Roughly pressing into me he crawls under the blanket to press his frame to mine. I’m exhausted, and he’s exhausted and there’s no time for teasing or foreplay or even taking clothes off, he presses his hips into mine and the friction of our boxers, the rough fabric rubbing against me and John panting in my ear is perfect.
He runs one hand through my hair and moans into my ear, his hot breath sending shivers straight down to groin, currently pressing against his.
He hastily takes his boxers off and pulls mine off as well, bringing his hand down to clasp both of our erections together.
He’s pumping fast and he twitches as he does. I can’t help throwing my head and back and moaning his name.
“Oh god, John…Oh yeah baby.” He kisses my exposed throat and one of his legs moves against mine, just giving more of him to feel.
“Jesse, oh god.” He shakes and I bring my hand down to take over for him, both of his hands move to my shoulders to provide leverage as he pushes his hips into my cock and my hand.
A constant stream of the most beautiful noises. He nips at my neck and my free hand comes up to his face, I pull him towards me and kiss his lips roughly, pulling his bottom lip between my teeth. He moans and works himself harder against me, as I move to nip at his earlobe.
I whisper in his ear in between lovebites. “You’re so fucking beautiful,”
“Uuhhh!” He’s not even coherent.
“I’m so close, the way you move John, you make me cum so hard” He trembles over me, trying his best to support himself on his hands, while my hand moves harshly over his cock, tugging. I move my free hand from his neck down to his balls and squeeze gently.
“Oh Jesse, fucking hell” I feel his sac tighten and he pants loudly in my ear, breathing his breath down my neck as he grunts and his hot seed spills out all over my hand and my cock. The feel of his fiery cum on my hand pushes me over the edge and I cum and say “John--!” I push my face into his neck and he brings his hand down to milk the last of my orgasm out of me, using his own cum as lube.
He collapses on top of me, shuddering breath raking through him.
We’re silent for a moment, and he says “No girl…could ever make me cum like that.”
I laugh and say “I guess we’ll never know though, will we?”
He shakes his head and nuzzles closer into me. “No, no no no.”
He kisses my chest, moving to one of my nipples and nipping it playfully.
“Only you.”
Only me. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world to hear and my heart bursts with blood every time I hear it but my head, this fucking logic, nagging me always just won’t let me believe it.
Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three Chapter four
Chapter five
I’m asleep on the couch when I hear the door click, one of those light sleeps where even the wind could wake you up. I didn’t expect him to be out this late, really.
I planned on just staying up and we could even maybe watch some TV or something when he got back but it’s late now, and he comes in the door quietly, expecting me there but trying not to wake me.
I prop myself up on my elbows, squinting into the darkness. “Whatimsit?” I mumble.
“It’s just after twelve” he says calmly, evaluating the situation and tensely coming to sit by me.
Just after twelve? I can’t believe that, he left here at six for god sakes.
“What the hell?” I say, “A six hour date?!”
He tenses up and says, “Jess, listen. Nothing happened. It was an hour to get to the restaurant after picking her up, and then I wanted to be able to leave after dinner so I took my time and tried to stretch it out over the better part of two hours,”
In my head, the math wasn’t adding up. “And then what?” Frantically.
“And then she wanted to go to a movie, and she had everything planned and tickets and I couldn’t say no so we went, and that took about two hours, plus travel time there and back and before I knew it was 12.00”
I was sitting up on the couch now, my legs pulled tight to my chest. John’s eyes were the only thing shining in the darkness.
“She’s a nice girl, Jesse, but that’s it. It was like being out with one of Sean’s girls, it’s just not…right”
I try not to think about the fact that John has, in fact, fucked one of Sean’s girls before.
“Jess, I’m being honest with you, ok? I’m not hiding anything and I’m not holding anything back and I don’t want you to be mad at me for this, this is something I have to do for my parents alright? For my sanity, so they don’t jump into my life and take everything away.”
I nodded my head but I wasn’t really sure if he could even see that in the darkness. But John would know that if it wasn’t ok I would be screaming.
“Are you going to see her again?” I asked, nuzzling my chin on my knee.
“Honestly, I might. I think it might be better to just get this whole fucking this over with, fake a relationship and satisfy my parents. Then maybe I won’t have to deal with this again for a long time.”
“And the next time?” I asked him, “Or when you’re older, I mean do you plan on hiding forever?!” I couldn’t believe this.
“I plan on hiding for as long as I can!” He bantered back at me. “You don’t know what it’s like Jesse!”
He stood up and started pacing. “You don’t understand how hard it is for me, if I could choose I wouldn’t choose this!” He gestured between us.
My eyes burned and I whispered “You don’t mean that.”
“I do! I do mean that, but it’s not a fucking choice Jess, I can’t choose who I love, I can’t choose who I want, or need. I love you, and it’s a fact that I’ve learned to live with only because it’s so strong inside me that it controls everything I do. My entire life is around you; always it’s been like that. And I accept it because it’s this passion that burns so deep inside me that it eats away at me, it lives inside me Jess, and it never, ever sleeps! But they won’t get that, unless they could feel what I feel for you, unless they could wrap themselves inside of this and let it eat away at them they won’t understand. Best case scenario, they’ll think it’s a phase, and that it’s something I’m going to grow out of!” He was yelling and I shrunk back into the couch, the sting of his words echoing in my head.
“Fuck you” I said softly. “Maybe you don’t understand love the way I do John, this love for you that I have, it would live into the next lifetime, if I come back as a fucking dung beetle, I would seek you out as a sparrow and beg you to love me back with my tiny, sand grain sized brain because this thing is in my fucking marrow. It’s not something that I live with because I have to, it’s something that I want, that I would walk across the desert for, that is love.” I finished in a whisper. “My parents don’t like it John, of course not. But that’s ok. Everything is always ok if I’m with you. I don’t have to go and lead some fucking bitch on for six hours because that’s not fair, that’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to me!”
“You don’t even fucking know her, how could you call her a bitch if you haven’t even met her.”
“That’s what you’re focusing on!” I scream, standing up and stomping my foot. “You’re a fucking idiot sometime, John, I’m pouring my whole heart out to you and all you can focus on is the fact that I called your girlfriend a bitch!?”
I start laughing, I can’t help it, I’m so hurt and so angry.
“You’re unbelievable” I feel my eyes burning as I say it.
“You don’t know anything Jesse, you think you have this whole fucking world figured out, you think everything is simple, everything is measured in weeks and in dollars and that’s not life, emotions are weird and relationships are weird and family is weird and you have to make sacrifices!”
“What exactly do you want me to sacrifice John!? What exactly do I have to give up before you take me seriously? What do you want me to, tattoo your fucking name on my ass? Carve it into my arms? Do you want me to write a song for you, never so cryptic, do you want one that blasts through the radio singing, “Nolan, you’re the one”? I’ll fucking do it, you think I won’t do it? I don’t give a shit anymore John, these fucking sacrifices that you want so badly, they’re yours, but don’t you fucking belittle me. Don’t you tell me that I don’t know what love is because I care about my emotions; you have NO idea what I feel. I don’t fucking throw words around John. Do you know how many people I’ve ever told that I loved? Do you have any idea how sparsely I use that word? My heart is under lock and key John, and it’s yours and you don’t seem to give a shit.” I said.
“Ha! You now for someone with all the brains and such deep emotions you can sure be a fucking blank wall sometimes Jess. Fuck.” He said, running his hands through his hair.
I’ve had enough. I walk away and into my bedroom and shut the door, I lie down on the bed and close my eyes.
I’m holding my breath, listening to every sound outside my door. I hear John shuffle around outside, kick something, then the finally the door of his room shut. He’s so fucking stubborn.
Still I try to listen, but all I can hear is my heartbeat so loud inside my body, pulsing throughout every inch of me. I turn on my music softly, Sufjan Stevens, to help me fall asleep. But the mournful tones just make me sad and before I can help it I’m crying.
Shit. I’m really crying. I wish John would come in here and hold me. My tears are streaming hot and heavy against my face and I have half a mind to shut myself up but I just don’t care anymore, I don’t care about anything except John.
It’s almost twenty minutes before there’s a soft knock on the door, he pushes it open without waiting for a response which is better because I know I sound an awful mess right now.
“Jesse?” he says. “What?” I say, softly, choked up.
“I just-are you crying?”
I laugh but it’s a half laugh and tears stream down my face as I do.
“Baby,” he says, coming over to me and crawling on my bed.
I close my eyes and let him crawl closer to me.
“Jesse, baby, please don’t cry, God, I hate it when you cry.” He honestly does seem distraught,
I’m under the blankets and he curls up alongside me without getting under them. Wraps his arms around me and presses his frame to my blanket clad body.
I press my hands to my eyes to try and stop myself from crying, I laugh again in vain and when I pull I away I’m seeing stars.
“Baby,” he kisses me “Please, I love you….I do Jesse, I love you in the only way that I know how, ok?”
I nod my head, my eyes still closed and then I feel his lips across mine.
Roughly pressing into me he crawls under the blanket to press his frame to mine. I’m exhausted, and he’s exhausted and there’s no time for teasing or foreplay or even taking clothes off, he presses his hips into mine and the friction of our boxers, the rough fabric rubbing against me and John panting in my ear is perfect.
He runs one hand through my hair and moans into my ear, his hot breath sending shivers straight down to groin, currently pressing against his.
He hastily takes his boxers off and pulls mine off as well, bringing his hand down to clasp both of our erections together.
He’s pumping fast and he twitches as he does. I can’t help throwing my head and back and moaning his name.
“Oh god, John…Oh yeah baby.” He kisses my exposed throat and one of his legs moves against mine, just giving more of him to feel.
“Jesse, oh god.” He shakes and I bring my hand down to take over for him, both of his hands move to my shoulders to provide leverage as he pushes his hips into my cock and my hand.
A constant stream of the most beautiful noises. He nips at my neck and my free hand comes up to his face, I pull him towards me and kiss his lips roughly, pulling his bottom lip between my teeth. He moans and works himself harder against me, as I move to nip at his earlobe.
I whisper in his ear in between lovebites. “You’re so fucking beautiful,”
“Uuhhh!” He’s not even coherent.
“I’m so close, the way you move John, you make me cum so hard” He trembles over me, trying his best to support himself on his hands, while my hand moves harshly over his cock, tugging. I move my free hand from his neck down to his balls and squeeze gently.
“Oh Jesse, fucking hell” I feel his sac tighten and he pants loudly in my ear, breathing his breath down my neck as he grunts and his hot seed spills out all over my hand and my cock. The feel of his fiery cum on my hand pushes me over the edge and I cum and say “John--!” I push my face into his neck and he brings his hand down to milk the last of my orgasm out of me, using his own cum as lube.
He collapses on top of me, shuddering breath raking through him.
We’re silent for a moment, and he says “No girl…could ever make me cum like that.”
I laugh and say “I guess we’ll never know though, will we?”
He shakes his head and nuzzles closer into me. “No, no no no.”
He kisses my chest, moving to one of my nipples and nipping it playfully.
“Only you.”
Only me. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world to hear and my heart bursts with blood every time I hear it but my head, this fucking logic, nagging me always just won’t let me believe it.