(no subject)
Yes, he’s a jerk. Less now then he was before he left. He’s cautious around me now, trying to prove that he won’t leave me. I wish I could say that I believe him, and its okay to treat me like I’m not made of spun sugar but honestly, it still frightens me, the thought of him leaving.
Regardless, he’s still a jerk. He’s stubborn as stone. His actions are about as pliable as his skin. He has a temper. I used to think that he was the most in control person in the world, but he’s not, a person anyway. When I compare his temper to Carlisle or Esme, or even little Alice, then it’s clear that he’s always just a little closer to the edge then they are. Though perhaps not as close as Jasper.
I don’t mean to say that I believe he will ever lose control when he’s with me. I don’t believe he ever will, if he hasn’t already, if he didn’t in the beginning. I can’t be sure but the thought doesn’t frighten me. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be upset. I was always doomed to some dreadfully plain death, like tripping off a cliff or walking out in front of a car. At least if I were to go…that way it would be beautiful. I can’t think of any other human demise that I would meet so willingly.
My Edward Cullen, my everything. I actually ache when I’m not with him. My stomach ties into knots and my lungs burn like I’ve been running for miles. It’s glorious. He’s an infection when he’s with me, and all of my senses push into overtime and my eyes water.
And then he’s beside me. His lips are cold and dry against my neck. He pushes himself, sometimes. He sucks my skin until the blood boils up right under the surface, dark and hot and leaving marks that are almost black. He laughs at this, giggles almost when he runs his fingers over the hickeys.
“Bella” he purrs against my collar bone. And he moves away from me shaking his head and breathing a little too quickly. His armored arms move to his head to rustle his hair and he smiles through hooded eyes at me. I beg him to touch me again, he almost always complies. Tonight he shakes his head and moves to sit next to me.
“I can’t stand it much longer Bells, I just can’t.” He licks the underside of my jaw and it feels as if someone dragged an ice cube across my flesh. I’m tempted to play dumb, but I know it’s not my blood as much as my body that’s fueling this conversation.
I blush, embarrassed and once again, thrilled that he can’t hear the thought that’s pulsing through my mind. “You’re blushing.” He says, running his finger across my face. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He says this so intensely that again, all of the breath is knocked out from inside of me. I’m a shell, and he’s pulling out all of my insides with his smoking golden eyes and crooked smile.
I tear my eyes away and say “No, Edward! That’s not fair, you’re making me weak.” I catch my breath as I rest my head against his chest, my hands coming up to trace patterns against his icy throat.
He sighs and says “If I ask nice, will you tell me what you’re thinking?” He places his lips in my hair. I giggle and say “its embarrassing, really embarrassing.” He pulls me closer to him, so that I’m pressed against him and he says “You can tell me anything, I want to know everything.” His eyes are just as intense as ever but I don’t feel the same pulling sensation. He’s not being overly curious, he means everything. His eyes burn with an intensity that’s different than anything else. The way he says he loves me.
I keep my head down, biting my lip and say, slowly that “I know you said we can’t do anything until we’re married” He’s still beneath me, and I continue quickly “Which is fine, of course. I mean it, I don’t want to have sex, or anything, right now I was just wondering exactly how far those rules extended.” I trailed off in an inaudible whisper which, of course he heard as clear as day.
He cocks his head, running a hand through his hair again and says “What exactly are you talking about?” His other hand pressed to the small of my back, bringing me closer to him.
I swallow all my fear and my pride as well, cursing myself inwardly but too excited to not ask, so I say “Well, you can’t touch me right…but like, I can still touch me, can’t I?”
It’s my turn to be still as a statue, gauging his whole body for a reaction. A part of me is convinced that he’s going to say “Bella, that’s gross” but he doesn’t. He inhales deeply, shuddering beneath me as he leans closer and pulls me into a kiss.
My worries are gone once his tongue is in my mouth, moving against my lips, his hands in my hair tug and flood every ounce of panic out of me quicker than I could have imagined.
He pulls away and whispers against my lips “Bella…”
I interrupt him and say “I know, I’m sorry, it was just… a thought, you’re always so worried about hurting me and…and”
“No, no Bella…God, Bella” He kisses me again and whispers in my ear “Please…” His tongue is against the hot skin of my ear, and behind it, against my neck. “Would you really?”
My heart doubles and I move back to look him in the eyes. “Yes, please…I mean, of course, I want to, so much”
My mind works in overtime to process the situation. Edward sleeps here every night, and a teenage girls mind is a breeding ground for less than G rated scenes. And I’ve had no release, occasionally in the shower or when he’s hunting but mostly I just submit myself to being in his presence, which is more intoxicating than anything my subconscious could ever think up. But to have him here, watching me, it’s almost too exhilarating.
In a flash I’m off of his lap and on the bed. He’s moved over to sit in the chair by the desk, looking something like a little kid on Christmas.
I’m frozen now, caught in my own trap and completely and utterly lost.
“Just pretend I’m not here…” he says, “please Bella, this is…you’re…please.”
I haven’t seen him this worked up as far as I can remember. At least not about anything he was excited about, except I suppose…the marriage.
“I’m nervous” I say and he’s by my side again. He kisses my mouth, pulling my flushed body against his harder than he ought to. When he pulls away I’m breathless and wet. He moves back to his chair and I sit back against the headboard. I take off my shirt, and then decide I should take off my shorts too. Soon I’m clad only in my underwear, a black bra and black panties too.
“You’re so beautiful” he says, and he looks almost as if he could cry. The thought of it is unbearable, the look on his face, he’s so earth shatteringly beautiful, how could he ever call me anything of the sort. My beauty was dirt beside the marble arches of his kingdom and yet, his eyes were glowing, looking at me. He licks his lips and I close my eyes, letting my heart slow down.
“Will you tell me what you want me to do?” I ask, my eyes closed, leaning back.
“Take off your bra, first.” I eagerly oblige, unsnapping it and slowly pulling it away from my chest, letting it fall on the floor in a puddle.
I open my eyes to see his reaction. As far as I’m concerned, I am not deformed. My breasts are fine in shape, and although a bit too small, I have always felt they suited me. Still, I am terrified to see his reaction.
When I look at him, he looks almost like an entirely different person. A small part of me registers the hunter in him, coming out through slightly more human actions. His eyes are darker, but still golden, not the hungry dark they turn when he hasn’t eaten in too long. This is different, a heavy sense has come about him and when he speaks, his voice is deeper, huskier. The same one he uses when he is convincing someone to do something important for him.
“Now put your hand down your panties.” He commands and I slip my trembling hand beneath the material of my underwear. I moan softly, running my fingers back and forth across my clit. “Keep talking” I say breathlessly. “You’re so amazing, Bella.” He says, his hands in his hair, staring at me intently.
“It feels so good, to know you’re here” I whisper and sit up to slide all the way out of my underwear. I slide two fingers deep inside of myself, and throw my head back, biting my lip. I move them quickly in and out, curling them inside myself. “Edward…” I pant, “I’m here Bella” he says.
“Will you come closer, please…can you come closer” I ask as I continue to move my fingers inside of myself. He’s there before the question is all the way out of my mouth. He lies down beside me, slowly, without touching me.
I wonder inwardly about his self control…if he can actually keep from touching me. I trust him enough to know that he would move away, at least.
I slip another finger inside of myself, and move quicker, turning to look him in the eye. It’s almost a game, seeing how long he can stand it without either touching me or moving to the other side of the room.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “Oh god, yes” I moan, “I’m just…great.” I pant and ask “Can I kiss you, is that okay…please.”
He freezes besides me, weighing his options before pressing his lips to mine. I move closer to him, so that my hand is between us, still deep inside of me and my moans fall into his mouth. He sucks the breath right out of my lungs. I’m getting louder now, I know it. I pull away from his mouth and move my free hand up to my mouth to muffle the sound. I don’t realize it immediately but he moves up from the bed. He’s standing next to me, at least a foot away, groaning and whispering my name.
“Bella, yes. Please…” He whispers, moving just a little further away from me. My eyes snap shut and my insides explode. My toes curl, my stomach lurches and I lose my breath, listening to him saying my name over and over and over.
I’m still now, recovering. He comes and crawls into bed with me again. Before I know it, I’m under the covers. He presses his still clothed body to my naked one and kisses the back of my neck.
“Thank you.” He whispers. “Why are you thanking me!” I laugh, “I ought to be thanking you!”
He laughs and says “I didn’t do anything, you did it all.” “Ha! Well, I’ve done it before and it was nothing like that…nothing. Your presence is…overwhelming, to say the least.”
“I love you, Bella” He says, holding me again. “I love you too…” I can feel myself drifting off into sleep where above me, Edward is humming my lullaby.
Regardless, he’s still a jerk. He’s stubborn as stone. His actions are about as pliable as his skin. He has a temper. I used to think that he was the most in control person in the world, but he’s not, a person anyway. When I compare his temper to Carlisle or Esme, or even little Alice, then it’s clear that he’s always just a little closer to the edge then they are. Though perhaps not as close as Jasper.
I don’t mean to say that I believe he will ever lose control when he’s with me. I don’t believe he ever will, if he hasn’t already, if he didn’t in the beginning. I can’t be sure but the thought doesn’t frighten me. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be upset. I was always doomed to some dreadfully plain death, like tripping off a cliff or walking out in front of a car. At least if I were to go…that way it would be beautiful. I can’t think of any other human demise that I would meet so willingly.
My Edward Cullen, my everything. I actually ache when I’m not with him. My stomach ties into knots and my lungs burn like I’ve been running for miles. It’s glorious. He’s an infection when he’s with me, and all of my senses push into overtime and my eyes water.
And then he’s beside me. His lips are cold and dry against my neck. He pushes himself, sometimes. He sucks my skin until the blood boils up right under the surface, dark and hot and leaving marks that are almost black. He laughs at this, giggles almost when he runs his fingers over the hickeys.
“Bella” he purrs against my collar bone. And he moves away from me shaking his head and breathing a little too quickly. His armored arms move to his head to rustle his hair and he smiles through hooded eyes at me. I beg him to touch me again, he almost always complies. Tonight he shakes his head and moves to sit next to me.
“I can’t stand it much longer Bells, I just can’t.” He licks the underside of my jaw and it feels as if someone dragged an ice cube across my flesh. I’m tempted to play dumb, but I know it’s not my blood as much as my body that’s fueling this conversation.
I blush, embarrassed and once again, thrilled that he can’t hear the thought that’s pulsing through my mind. “You’re blushing.” He says, running his finger across my face. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He says this so intensely that again, all of the breath is knocked out from inside of me. I’m a shell, and he’s pulling out all of my insides with his smoking golden eyes and crooked smile.
I tear my eyes away and say “No, Edward! That’s not fair, you’re making me weak.” I catch my breath as I rest my head against his chest, my hands coming up to trace patterns against his icy throat.
He sighs and says “If I ask nice, will you tell me what you’re thinking?” He places his lips in my hair. I giggle and say “its embarrassing, really embarrassing.” He pulls me closer to him, so that I’m pressed against him and he says “You can tell me anything, I want to know everything.” His eyes are just as intense as ever but I don’t feel the same pulling sensation. He’s not being overly curious, he means everything. His eyes burn with an intensity that’s different than anything else. The way he says he loves me.
I keep my head down, biting my lip and say, slowly that “I know you said we can’t do anything until we’re married” He’s still beneath me, and I continue quickly “Which is fine, of course. I mean it, I don’t want to have sex, or anything, right now I was just wondering exactly how far those rules extended.” I trailed off in an inaudible whisper which, of course he heard as clear as day.
He cocks his head, running a hand through his hair again and says “What exactly are you talking about?” His other hand pressed to the small of my back, bringing me closer to him.
I swallow all my fear and my pride as well, cursing myself inwardly but too excited to not ask, so I say “Well, you can’t touch me right…but like, I can still touch me, can’t I?”
It’s my turn to be still as a statue, gauging his whole body for a reaction. A part of me is convinced that he’s going to say “Bella, that’s gross” but he doesn’t. He inhales deeply, shuddering beneath me as he leans closer and pulls me into a kiss.
My worries are gone once his tongue is in my mouth, moving against my lips, his hands in my hair tug and flood every ounce of panic out of me quicker than I could have imagined.
He pulls away and whispers against my lips “Bella…”
I interrupt him and say “I know, I’m sorry, it was just… a thought, you’re always so worried about hurting me and…and”
“No, no Bella…God, Bella” He kisses me again and whispers in my ear “Please…” His tongue is against the hot skin of my ear, and behind it, against my neck. “Would you really?”
My heart doubles and I move back to look him in the eyes. “Yes, please…I mean, of course, I want to, so much”
My mind works in overtime to process the situation. Edward sleeps here every night, and a teenage girls mind is a breeding ground for less than G rated scenes. And I’ve had no release, occasionally in the shower or when he’s hunting but mostly I just submit myself to being in his presence, which is more intoxicating than anything my subconscious could ever think up. But to have him here, watching me, it’s almost too exhilarating.
In a flash I’m off of his lap and on the bed. He’s moved over to sit in the chair by the desk, looking something like a little kid on Christmas.
I’m frozen now, caught in my own trap and completely and utterly lost.
“Just pretend I’m not here…” he says, “please Bella, this is…you’re…please.”
I haven’t seen him this worked up as far as I can remember. At least not about anything he was excited about, except I suppose…the marriage.
“I’m nervous” I say and he’s by my side again. He kisses my mouth, pulling my flushed body against his harder than he ought to. When he pulls away I’m breathless and wet. He moves back to his chair and I sit back against the headboard. I take off my shirt, and then decide I should take off my shorts too. Soon I’m clad only in my underwear, a black bra and black panties too.
“You’re so beautiful” he says, and he looks almost as if he could cry. The thought of it is unbearable, the look on his face, he’s so earth shatteringly beautiful, how could he ever call me anything of the sort. My beauty was dirt beside the marble arches of his kingdom and yet, his eyes were glowing, looking at me. He licks his lips and I close my eyes, letting my heart slow down.
“Will you tell me what you want me to do?” I ask, my eyes closed, leaning back.
“Take off your bra, first.” I eagerly oblige, unsnapping it and slowly pulling it away from my chest, letting it fall on the floor in a puddle.
I open my eyes to see his reaction. As far as I’m concerned, I am not deformed. My breasts are fine in shape, and although a bit too small, I have always felt they suited me. Still, I am terrified to see his reaction.
When I look at him, he looks almost like an entirely different person. A small part of me registers the hunter in him, coming out through slightly more human actions. His eyes are darker, but still golden, not the hungry dark they turn when he hasn’t eaten in too long. This is different, a heavy sense has come about him and when he speaks, his voice is deeper, huskier. The same one he uses when he is convincing someone to do something important for him.
“Now put your hand down your panties.” He commands and I slip my trembling hand beneath the material of my underwear. I moan softly, running my fingers back and forth across my clit. “Keep talking” I say breathlessly. “You’re so amazing, Bella.” He says, his hands in his hair, staring at me intently.
“It feels so good, to know you’re here” I whisper and sit up to slide all the way out of my underwear. I slide two fingers deep inside of myself, and throw my head back, biting my lip. I move them quickly in and out, curling them inside myself. “Edward…” I pant, “I’m here Bella” he says.
“Will you come closer, please…can you come closer” I ask as I continue to move my fingers inside of myself. He’s there before the question is all the way out of my mouth. He lies down beside me, slowly, without touching me.
I wonder inwardly about his self control…if he can actually keep from touching me. I trust him enough to know that he would move away, at least.
I slip another finger inside of myself, and move quicker, turning to look him in the eye. It’s almost a game, seeing how long he can stand it without either touching me or moving to the other side of the room.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “Oh god, yes” I moan, “I’m just…great.” I pant and ask “Can I kiss you, is that okay…please.”
He freezes besides me, weighing his options before pressing his lips to mine. I move closer to him, so that my hand is between us, still deep inside of me and my moans fall into his mouth. He sucks the breath right out of my lungs. I’m getting louder now, I know it. I pull away from his mouth and move my free hand up to my mouth to muffle the sound. I don’t realize it immediately but he moves up from the bed. He’s standing next to me, at least a foot away, groaning and whispering my name.
“Bella, yes. Please…” He whispers, moving just a little further away from me. My eyes snap shut and my insides explode. My toes curl, my stomach lurches and I lose my breath, listening to him saying my name over and over and over.
I’m still now, recovering. He comes and crawls into bed with me again. Before I know it, I’m under the covers. He presses his still clothed body to my naked one and kisses the back of my neck.
“Thank you.” He whispers. “Why are you thanking me!” I laugh, “I ought to be thanking you!”
He laughs and says “I didn’t do anything, you did it all.” “Ha! Well, I’ve done it before and it was nothing like that…nothing. Your presence is…overwhelming, to say the least.”
“I love you, Bella” He says, holding me again. “I love you too…” I can feel myself drifting off into sleep where above me, Edward is humming my lullaby.