Oneness and solitude
So I'm still struggling with figuring out myself and my head. Every once in a while I watch or read something which gives me this boost of motivation or an idea for a positive change. Yesterday I watched "Eat Pray Love" and started feeling like I really need a change of setting to something extreme, like go out find some volunteering job in a hidden corner of the world, where I'm away from all my everyday luxuries and just my life. I even looked up some websites, and found this quite compelling thing in Tibet. But all the logistics of it like getting a visa and health insurance are really bothersome, especially that I don't really have saved up money since I never had a job. It's not impossible, it's just an obstacle. Honestly, I believe going somewhere like that would make a big positive change to my life, giving me a lot of new perspective, but then again I just think about benefits for myself, rather than just truly wanting to help those people, which feels somewhat wrong.
Well either way, I feel like I really should go on some sort of roadtrip or journey into a completely new place, into wilderness. I need this change of scenery every once in a while, that's why moving to Sweden felt so good at the beginning. But in the end is just same old same old. Me sitting in my room, not feeling like focusing on the school or work, while still pulling through pretty well. Most of all though is the social aspect that hasn't changed. 1-2 local friends that I meet occasionally and talk about hobbies and a couple more friends online that I get in touch with every couple of months.
I just read a chapter about "oneness" in a book that a friend borrowed me, about how the author and we are supposed to believe everyone is connected and feel it. But I could never feel that. I always felt incredibly disconnected from everyone, and whenever I try to stay in touch, talk to people, be friendly I'm met with passivity and negativity or just very surface friendliness. That all makes it really difficult for me to believe there's anything more in relationship with people. I was thinking about the same watching "Eat Pray Love" and bunch of other movie. What's the deal about love? Does it really exist? It might sound weird but I have never experienced that. I don't know what it means to love someone. I do have some pretty amazing friends who sometimes make me feel a little bit of what might be love, but I can never imagine them as those super reliable friends from tv and movies, that you can always rely on no matter what and call them in the middle of the night. Everyone has their own life and focuses on that, as people have proved me multiple times. But then again, I'm not the perfect example myself. Sometimes I take incredibly long times to reply to messages, because I'm lazy or just somehow lacking the courage to read what someone wrote to me. Clearly I have a lot of social issues, and some of them, like with replying to the messages, I wonder where those come from.
In "Eat Pray Love" there was something about people finding their word. And it just randomly popped in my head a while ago that my word would be "solitude". That was even the name of my first blog back in 2004. And that aspect of my life hasn't really change since then. I'm just so used to doing everything alone, not waiting for people to join me in activities and not waiting for them to offer me to join. And my previous experiences mostly taught me not to trust people in general, and that groups of great and reliable friends exist in a different world from mine. Same as relationships. I really don't understand what it means to be close to someone and to feel connected. Am I broken? Is part of my brain or something underdeveloped so I just can't form connections with people? Or that I can't see them? Feel them? And how am I supposed to suddenly believe that we're all connected if I haven't felt that with even one single person before? Really this entire concept of love that the world seems to be so obsessed about, singing songs, making movies, writing novels, just seems so completely foreign. All I've even known and experienced was isolation, disconnection, solitude, just on various levels of depth. Is there a way I can just learn the opposite? Try to believe and "fake it till you make it"? Unconditionally caring about someone and someone unconditionally caring about me? Is that even possible?
There was this TED talk I once watched and the speaker mentioned "chronic loneliness", and that somehow resonated with me. I don't know if that's what I feel, mostly because I never really had a contrast, it's my default state to be alone and disconnected, sometimes by choice, sometimes because that's just how it is and how it's always been.
I'm messed up. It's really like my mind is broken not understanding the basic concepts that seem to rule the world.