I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It’s been 3 months since I decided to take a break, and I haven’t done anything ever since. The first days, maybe first 2 weeks were amazing, I finally felt free, I could breathe again. I kept telling myself that until GDC I don’t wanna have to focus on anything else but making portfolio and business cards and having something to show for myself once I’m there. I knew that eventually I should find a job, but preparing for GDC was more important. I never, however, did that. I managed to do some last minute business cards, but the more important portfolio part stayed as unfinished as it ever was. And while there I realised that even if I had a portfolio I had nothing relevant in there, and I felt like the only person there who never actually have worked on a game. It was overwhelming and intimidating rather than inspiring. But it did give me a boost of motivation to start working on a game.
Meanwhile, the university library offered me a project, to collect their materials into a presentable way, something they could show at conferences etc. It was for money and I need money, so of course I agreed, seems like something I can pull off. I’ve had a couple of meetings with them now, and the last meeting got me particularly motivated and inspired, even though to be honest, I’m not so excited about the topic itself. It’s the first time I’d be working on a non-school project. I have never ever had a job and never had to approach anything seriously and professionally. Can I do that? Can I break my working right before the deadline habit? It’s like I want to work, but there’s something there telling me I still have time and prevents me from actually doing anything. And there also fear and doubt of how can I do something I’ve never done before and I have no one to help me out. I’m so bad at working on my own, I feel I need constant input from others, some sort of validation, feedback. I hate being stuck in my own head. On one side I know I can do this, because it’s graphic design, I’ve done it for long enough, and people tend to like what I’ve done. On the other side, it’s a completely new audience, a new challenge. I want it to look professional, impressive, unique, but I’ve never done stuff like that.
I also recently decided to sign up for game design course online. Because in the end I want to make games, and just a small complementary course on game design would be great to go with my recent general design education. I also have too much time on my hands, so adding something seemed like a good choice. Until a week passed and I was rushing assignments in less than 24 hours before the deadline, again. I also have this awful attitude that I just wanna keep doing what I know, and just wing something because it seems good enough. It’s not helping with learning.
Really, I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like a looser I never wanted to become. From student union VP and chief editor of the school magazine to this. I’ve been sitting at home for 3 months, thinking that I have to work on my portfolio, thinking about the things I should and have to do, but instead I just end up playing League of Legends and Xbox games all day until I feel sick of it. I don’t even have as much motivation and energy to go to the gym anymore. I’m feeling so drained. And everyone around me have their life and their jobs. But I don’t know what it feels like to work, or to apply for a job, because I never did. All my life I've been led by the hend, pushed between educational institutions, and I just don't know how to get into the real world. "Just do it" does not work, it's too overwhelming... And I know I have to do that if I want to stay here, and I do, because I have my friends and my life here now. Nothing scares me more now than the thought I might need to go back home to Poland if I can’t find anything. And that i will be stuck in my tiny uncomfortable and cluttered room living with my mom under her constant observation. The thought about it is like a paralysing fear. So I should do everything I can to prevent that from happening, but I don’t know how. Everywhere I go I hear how hard it is to get a job while not speaking Swedish. And I can’t afford taking an advanced Swedish course, and I can’t find motivation to take the books myself and start studying on my own.
Again, I’m stuck in the cycle of thinking of what I have to do, what I should do, what I could do. And it stresses me out. I can’t focus on anything. Once I start doing something I get this irrational anxiety I should be doing something else right now, because it feels more important, even though I know it’s not. And in the end I dabble on everything and can’t do anything, just think and think and think more. I can’t focus on video games anymore either, because escaping doesn’t work anymore.
I would like to have a job where I don’t have to work alone, where all I have to do is complete my task for the day, go home and chill. Where I don’t have to think about the million other things I should or could be doing at that time. But jobs like that are mostly customer service jobs are these are obviously in (native) Swedish only… I want a job where someone tells me what to do and the freedom to complain that I don't like it, rather than having to figure everything out on my own.
Meanwhile, the university library offered me a project, to collect their materials into a presentable way, something they could show at conferences etc. It was for money and I need money, so of course I agreed, seems like something I can pull off. I’ve had a couple of meetings with them now, and the last meeting got me particularly motivated and inspired, even though to be honest, I’m not so excited about the topic itself. It’s the first time I’d be working on a non-school project. I have never ever had a job and never had to approach anything seriously and professionally. Can I do that? Can I break my working right before the deadline habit? It’s like I want to work, but there’s something there telling me I still have time and prevents me from actually doing anything. And there also fear and doubt of how can I do something I’ve never done before and I have no one to help me out. I’m so bad at working on my own, I feel I need constant input from others, some sort of validation, feedback. I hate being stuck in my own head. On one side I know I can do this, because it’s graphic design, I’ve done it for long enough, and people tend to like what I’ve done. On the other side, it’s a completely new audience, a new challenge. I want it to look professional, impressive, unique, but I’ve never done stuff like that.
I also recently decided to sign up for game design course online. Because in the end I want to make games, and just a small complementary course on game design would be great to go with my recent general design education. I also have too much time on my hands, so adding something seemed like a good choice. Until a week passed and I was rushing assignments in less than 24 hours before the deadline, again. I also have this awful attitude that I just wanna keep doing what I know, and just wing something because it seems good enough. It’s not helping with learning.
Really, I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like a looser I never wanted to become. From student union VP and chief editor of the school magazine to this. I’ve been sitting at home for 3 months, thinking that I have to work on my portfolio, thinking about the things I should and have to do, but instead I just end up playing League of Legends and Xbox games all day until I feel sick of it. I don’t even have as much motivation and energy to go to the gym anymore. I’m feeling so drained. And everyone around me have their life and their jobs. But I don’t know what it feels like to work, or to apply for a job, because I never did. All my life I've been led by the hend, pushed between educational institutions, and I just don't know how to get into the real world. "Just do it" does not work, it's too overwhelming... And I know I have to do that if I want to stay here, and I do, because I have my friends and my life here now. Nothing scares me more now than the thought I might need to go back home to Poland if I can’t find anything. And that i will be stuck in my tiny uncomfortable and cluttered room living with my mom under her constant observation. The thought about it is like a paralysing fear. So I should do everything I can to prevent that from happening, but I don’t know how. Everywhere I go I hear how hard it is to get a job while not speaking Swedish. And I can’t afford taking an advanced Swedish course, and I can’t find motivation to take the books myself and start studying on my own.
Again, I’m stuck in the cycle of thinking of what I have to do, what I should do, what I could do. And it stresses me out. I can’t focus on anything. Once I start doing something I get this irrational anxiety I should be doing something else right now, because it feels more important, even though I know it’s not. And in the end I dabble on everything and can’t do anything, just think and think and think more. I can’t focus on video games anymore either, because escaping doesn’t work anymore.
I would like to have a job where I don’t have to work alone, where all I have to do is complete my task for the day, go home and chill. Where I don’t have to think about the million other things I should or could be doing at that time. But jobs like that are mostly customer service jobs are these are obviously in (native) Swedish only… I want a job where someone tells me what to do and the freedom to complain that I don't like it, rather than having to figure everything out on my own.