Look at the stars
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and the past is the main subject. My past is something I have always hidden deep inside because it's easier to barry it then open it up. I have many secretes and hid many things. But I started thinking about two days ago why am I doing this to myself? WHy do I bury all my emotions and keep them bottled. Then I explode for no reason because it gets to be too much to deal with. College is something I always wanted to do but never thought I would, but I am and I love it. Yes its extremely stressful to juggle school, my daughter, work, my boyfriend, my friends and my family. It's hard to find time to fit all of them in my schedule but somehow I'll manage. I guess I just needed a little push to actually get off my ass and do something positive :-). But as I was saying my past is very dark and painful but why do I find the need to hang on to it. Instead of facing the pain and getting over it I hide it, I stay in my "fine" state of life. If I continue to keep everything dark inside I will become a dark person and I don't want that. I heard the song yellow by coldplay the other day and instantly I cried and got filled with rage. Yes sounds crazy that a simple song can do that but it was so much more then a song to me. It was my dreams and future. It was how I wanted it to be forever with the stupid cement corn. I thought it was how I would end up but now I realize thats not how it will be. I am happy I have so much going for me now that it seems silly to allow a song to fill me with emotion. I have loved and lost. I have dreamed and fell flat on my ass. I have gone though hell but made it out. I will always be fine, nothing can hurt me except me. So I started to let the pain out. Which is why I have been weird the past few days. But all the hate and pain and sorrow and guilt and anger and stress is slowly coming out. It's hard to look at the most hurtful parts of your life and make them ok, but it's something that must be done to be happy. Roberts ring is a simple piece of metal but to me it was him. He was always with me when I had that ring on but I have come to understand that he will always be in my heart, he will always be the most amazing friend I could of ever had. He will live on it spirit rather then in metal. So I stopped wearing it. My dolphin shit that I loved but had locked away in boxes because of the pain the memories caused me have all been washed and are around my room and my bathroom. WHy do I allow simple things to hold so much meaning anymore? The other things that will remain untold are a bit harder to deal with. The fear, the loss, the feeling to total helplessness are gone. SHit happens, it's better to get over it then allow it to consume you. I have had crappy boyfriends, we all know this but it's because with crappy boyfriends I was safe, I was better then they were and they knew it. Now I am with my equal, my other half if you will. It's weird to be on the same playing field with someone that I never thought would be like he is. But I found myself playing the same stupid games and stupid lies that I played with the others because it was funny to watch them get mad, with him. But instead of the reaction I expected I got a feeling of understanding. He knows I hurt, he knows I'm sad he knows me........ That may be something you don't understand but there are only 2 people other then him who actually know me, who know how I think and feel. They are my best friends although one of them is my total opposite she feels the same way I do about things and the other I have a lot in common with and he gives me the truth weather I want it or not. There is no reason to lie, esp about the lame ass things I have ever lied about. Why? I'm not going to get into trouble, the lie is what causes that. So you may be wondering what the hell I am talking about and yes this is very hard to follow but I guess the main part is I forgive everyone who has ever hurt me. I allowed the pain to be set free. I am not afraid of me secrets, they are the past and today is my future. If you get any thing out of this just realize that shit happens, you can't change it fix it or prevent it. It's moving on from it and accepting it is how you deal with it. Every need a shoulder I am here because honestly, I can pretty much understand anything. Wow I'm a therapist now lmao sorry had to say it. Yeah I'm done