life sucks
I am so numb lately. Well aside from loosing the one man that I felt ever actually loved me for me and everything about me, I had to get a new transmission in my car. Life is sucky right now but things have to get better... They cant get any worse I suppose. Not sure if anyone actually reads this anymore but I need to vent. I am sick of living these lies to act like I am ok when in reality I am falling apart. I let my best friend go and nothign will bring him back. I don't even know where to find Randy at anymore but I hope only good things happen to him. I started looking for new jobs and everything. I wish wish all the pain would go away. I feel as I cant breath at times, my world is closing up around me and I can't get out. I smile and laugh and act like a dork to hide the pain, to make people stop telling me they are sorry and everything. It's justs o fucking hard. Katelyn is going to be three and I feel worthless. Is she going to look at me one day adn blame me for everyhitng that goes wrong in her life because I fucked up over a year ago? Who knows. May of next year is going to suck and the thoiugh of it being less then a year away scares me. Yes a lot can happen in a year but who knows. Shane that mother fucking asshole that tried to say Katelyn was his actually had the nerve to ask me out. Is he fuckin kidding himself? I don't want a man, I want to be able to just breath but I cant breath beacsue I feel like I am carring the weight of the world on my shoulders. It is so hard being me, being the responsible mom for Katelyn, the good daughter for my parents, and the strong and happy one for my friends, the few I have left. Maybe I am just loosing my mind. All I ask is that if anyone reads this, take the time to read the songs. They are all by stabbing westward and are directed at two men..... back to the fake smile....
"I Remember"
Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl (man) I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her (his) face
And I can't forget her (his) kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still remember so much
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much
"Darkest Days"
There are times when I'm just a shell
When I do not feel anything for anyone
All I feel is hollow and bruised
Used up and misused
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
Have I failed somehow or some way
Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown
In the depths of despair
Where I am alone
Except for my rage
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My darkest days
"Sometimes It Hurts"
Six o'clock in the morning
My head is ready to explode
I can't believe I made it home alive
I don't remember where I went
Or what I was drinking
And now it's made me sick
And I'm not denying
That I get this way
When I try to get over you
I get this way
When I try to get over you
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
I tried so hard to hate you
But it only makes it all worse
I only end up hating myself
And as my hatred grows
So do the lies
It's hard to face the truth sometimes
God I feel so useless
God I hate myself
When I try to get over you
I hate myself
Will I ever get over you
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
And after all this time you'd think I'd understand the way you feel
But no
I only think about myself
And it's driving you away
I always knew it would one day
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
"I Remember"
Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl (man) I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her (his) face
And I can't forget her (his) kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still remember so much
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcend space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much
"Darkest Days"
There are times when I'm just a shell
When I do not feel anything for anyone
All I feel is hollow and bruised
Used up and misused
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
Have I failed somehow or some way
Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown
In the depths of despair
Where I am alone
Except for my rage
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My rage
My pain
I hate my darkest days
My darkest days
"Sometimes It Hurts"
Six o'clock in the morning
My head is ready to explode
I can't believe I made it home alive
I don't remember where I went
Or what I was drinking
And now it's made me sick
And I'm not denying
That I get this way
When I try to get over you
I get this way
When I try to get over you
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
I tried so hard to hate you
But it only makes it all worse
I only end up hating myself
And as my hatred grows
So do the lies
It's hard to face the truth sometimes
God I feel so useless
God I hate myself
When I try to get over you
I hate myself
Will I ever get over you
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
And after all this time you'd think I'd understand the way you feel
But no
I only think about myself
And it's driving you away
I always knew it would one day
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love
Sometimes it hurts
So much to lose the one you love