[One Shot] Oh my, Bad!fic
Title : Oh my, Bad!fic.
Length : One Shot (1.1 words)
Author : lollyribena
Pairing : Yunjae/Jaeho
Rating : G
Genre : Crack to the maximum, smut.
Summary : When smut scene clashes with bad!fic.
Beta-ed by: No one, because bad!fics are usually un-beta-ed.
Idea of writing bad!fic from dear *insert tiny human LJ figure here* akagasuki who spammed me with a series of extremely hilarious bad!fic XD And for that, I dedicate this fic to you ;D
This is going to be a bad!fic. Yes, so in all bad!fics, there is usually minimal introduction or in few cases, no introduction at all, because why do we need one when we have bad smut scene in our hand? And lots of exclamation marks and caps lock turned on. And yes, this includes usage of wrong terms, spellings and half hanging sentence and everything that makes a bad fic. Just so you know, I fail in smut scene. Esp. bad!fic smut scene. And yeah, *points at icon* Yunho approves of this 8D ENJOY.
“Yunho ahhh, why are you tying me up with my good gold thread !!!!11!”
“Shhhhhhhhhh, patience my dear lurve. Good food awaits us.”
“Food????? There’s food?????!!!!?”
“Of course. Why would I tie you up otherwise?”
Yunho left Jaejoong; hands and legs tied against bedpost, and went out. He came back, with a fruit basket in hand and a bottle of Olive Oil. Jaejoong drew an inwards gasp.
“OH MA GAWD MY GOOD OLIVE OIL!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!”
“What, this!? I though it was the lubricant.”
“No you STUPID bastard. It’s my good Olive Oil!!!!!! Put it back into the kitchen this INSTANCE!!!!”
“But I need lubricant. Yoochun took mine the other day. He said his door was creaking.”
“Creaking my ass. It’s my good Olive Oil…” He pleaded, but Yunho took no notice of him and continue humming to Mirotic.
“Stop that blasphemy song. It’s killing my ears!!!!! Which IDIOT sang this, tell me.”
“Dong Bulge Shin Ki and it’s not stupid. They’re my favourite band of all time!! You’re the dumb one here!!”
“The only bulge I want is yours and make it fast! My little Jaejoong is getting tired.”
Yunho lets out a grin and place the basket on the floor as he crouched down in front of Jaejoong. He took a yellow banana and dangled it front of Jaejoong.
“OooooOooooh, banaaanaaaaaaa. My favourite. How thoughtful of you.”
“I chose a bigger one this time.” He said to Jaejoong’s member.
Yunho grabbed the Olive Oil on the nightstand and then carelessly uncapped it; receiving a knock from Jaejoong’s head, “Don’t spill so much of it you NUT HEAD!!!!”. He then slapped his hands together, rubbed the oil and clamped them hard on Jaejoong’s member.
“OUCH WTFBBQDUCK !!!! Are you trying to kill my Joongie!!!? DAMN, you cock killer!!”
“But Jaejoongie, that’s how smut scene is supposed to be. When I rub lubricant on you, you’re supposed to shouuuuuuuut and mooooaaaaaan like a kitten.”
“Really? Like this? Argghhhhhh, meow, arghhhhhhh, meowww, ARGHHH, MEEEOWWWW! Did I get it right?”
“Yes, yes, good kitty.”
Jaejoong beamed with pride. Yunho in turn massaged Jaejoong’s hard-on, making circular motions, pushing his hands up and down the length.
“ARGHHHHH MEOOWWW ARGH- NOO NO STOP THAT STOP THAT!!!!!” He attempted to thrust his member at Yunho to swat him away, “Shooo shoo!”
“What’s wrong?!!!” Yunho bends down and licks the tip.
“Thattt… OOOHHH MEOWWWWW… this.. isss soooo GOOD… OH YES YESS NOOOOOOOO NO GET OFF GET OFF!!!!!1111!!!”
“Now, what? Can’t you shut up?!!! What the fuck is wrong with you??? You should go, ‘YESS YESS OH YESS MOARRR YESSS’ all the way.”
Jaejoong hung his head in shame and muttered okay. Yunho licked up and down, up and down, repeating for a few times, until the 5th time;
“When are you going to change!!! UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, It’s boring the HELL OUTTA ME!! I. WANT. THAT. BANANA. IN. ME. NOW.”
“Okay, Okay, Calm down, you sex kitten.”
“MWWEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!!111!!!”
Yunho stopped licking and thrust the banana into Jaejoong’s tight hole.
“DAMMIT. Stop poking it blindly!!!! What am I??!! A PIPE HOLE!???”
“JAEJOONG, shut the FUCKING UP. I do the THRUSTING, and you do the MOANING. Get it!???!!!”
“FINE FINE. SHOVE IT IN THEN. If my sausage DIES, I’m gonna DISFIGURE YOURS and cello tape it ONTO MINE!!!!1111!!!!!”
Yunho started shoving the yellow fruit into Jaejoong’s now expanding hole. Shove, shove, shove. A BIG SHOVE, followed by “FUCKKKKKKKKKK IT!!!!!!!! STOP IT. THERE’S NO SPACE LEFT!!!!!!”
“Whut?”
“I SAY GET THE DAMN BANANA OUT. It’s too long DAMMIT!!”
Yunho pulled the banana out, but the long fruit did not even budge a single inch. Yunho pulled again with all his strength, but the fruit just stayed where it was.
“Uh oh.”
“What do you mean by Uh OH!??!!”
“Uh. I can’t pulled out the banana?”
“JUNG YUNHO, YOU PULLED OUT THE YELLOW STUFF NOW OR- I’LL-“
“What the PORN is going IN THERE!!!! ARE YOU TWO HAVING SEX?!!!”
“WHAT? SEX? NO WAY. I’M JUST TEACHING JAEJOONG HOW TO REARRANGE THE FRUIT BASKET.”
“THE WHATTTT? FOOD BASKET?!!”
“FRUIT!! FERRRR-RROOTTTTTT BUSTTTTT-KIRTTT!!!!!”
“OH. SAY SO YOU DUMBASS.“
“Damn Changmin!! He HAVE to come and SPOIL EVERYTHING. Now where were we?!”
“THE BANANA, HO. TAKE THE FECKING THING OUT OF MY HOLE NOW.”
“I TOLD’YA, THE BANANA WON’T COME OUT!!!111111”
“WHAT YOU MEAN, IT WON’T COME OUT? IF THERE’S A WAY IN, THERE’S WAY OUT. EITHER YOU PULLED IT OR YOU BITE IT OR I CUT OFF YOUR MANHOOD.”
“NO, NO. NO MANHOOD CUTTING. OKAY, OKAY, I’M PULLING IT OUT NOW”
Once again, Yunho placed himself squarely in front of Jaejoong’s hard on, clamped both hands on the dangling banana and pulled and pulled and pulled.
“OH SHITE.”
“WHAT?! WHAT SHITE DO YOU SPEAK OF!!??”
“THE SKIN CAME OUT!!!!!!111”
“OMYGOD, MY FORESKIN CAME OUT????!!!! KLDFHGKDFGHKGHSK”
“NO, NO YOU IDIOT. THE BANANA SKIN!!!”
“Oh. That. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, EAT IT!!!!!”
“Eat what? Would you like an apple?”
“JUNG FUCKING HO!!! EAT THE BANANA. THE BANANA. THE YELLOW FRUIT. THE B-A-N-A-N-A!!!!!111111!!!”
“Oh, say so. You don’t need to spell it out for me. I’m not Junsu.”
“EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT!!!!”
Yunho leaned forward and engulfed the fruit in his mouth, slowly biting the end off.
“FUCK. STOP TICKLING MY HOLE. SEX LATER, BANANA NOW.”
“Would you stop shouting at me??!! I can’t bite it off properly!!!!!!11111!!!!! THE BANANA’S VIBRATING”
Yunho grabbed the Jaejoong’s hips and hold it still, while munching the fruit in his mouth. He cautiously bite and pull the banana out of Jaejoong’s hole. It refused to budge. Yunho stretched the hole with his index fingers and pull again. The fruit slide out.
“IS IT OUT YET? IS IT?!!!!”
“Hmmmm -munch- yes… it has your juice in it.. -munch- hmmm yummy”
“OH THANK GOD”. Chanting on Kamasutra lines.
“Hmm yeah -munch- anyway, Jaejoong.”
“What?”
“Would you like a strawberry now?”
* I can't believe I wrote this. God help me and return my sanity please. *bows down*