here I am, once again
It's a good thing I dismantled my panicked responses to being rejected by my partner sexually.
When I was a child I had severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's a real bitch. It put a target on my back for every bully or kid just trying to make themselves look better.
Through 5 years of good counseling, I was able to kind of rewire myself.
As a teen and adult I have this reputation for being fearless; but really I just dismantled my ability to give a fuck about what other people think of me.
Except that, so ce I was a preadolescent, we never really dug into the fact that as someone in sexual relationships, I was going to encounter people I loved, trusted, and desired telling me they weren't interested.
Throw in my mom's shitty relationship with my father, where I watched her become increasingly agitated by his pulling away from her, and I've got a recipe for disaster.
Because nearly every partner I've ever had was less interested in sex than I am. My only exceptions are someone I had a friends with benefits relationship with, and someone too disorganized to arrange time to see me.
My main partner is most likely someone in the grey sexuality spectrum. This used to make me literally crazy. At one point, he was maintaining a relationship with me and our secondary, and she got pissed off at me. When I went to the source and asked her to talk about her beef with me, it came out that she thought I was "using him up" on our nights together. I dug out a calendar and showed her exactly how much sex we weren't having. She got differently upset and said, "I'm the one hoarding him? OMG what is WRONG with him!?!"
Now he's added a new partner.
I'm actually delighted about it. He's with someone I love like family and trust with my life. Someone who deserves to be treated well.
But he's shifting to the grey, and it's starting to freak her out.
I tried to talk to him about asexuality, and demisexuality. I'm not sure he agrees with me, and it's his call. On the other hand, it helps me keep my sanity when I can make this a "Him" problem.
Because I'm not going to flip out, obsess, chase him constantly, beg him for attention, and spin my wheels endlessly wondering what's wrong with me.
If something is wrong, I've told him that I trust him to come to me to discuss it. He knows the ball is in his court.
So I live with someone who does want sex sometimes, but not with me.
Of course I have another partner, too. Our comparability remains absolutely spectacular. He can't believe his luck in finding someone that he connects with intellectually who also is 100% down to clown all the time.
But I can't just fold myself into his life anymore. My new disability (thanks for nothing, Covid-19 you insufferable prick) means I can't be around certain smells; which his house is permeated with. Weed is sort of legal around here so there's a lot of blatant smoking going on over there, and not only is that a Bad Smell, it actually makes me sick.
And his household doesn't keep up on their Google calendar, so in addition to managing my entire household's calendar, I'm trying to figure things out with my other partner through psychic guesswork.
So earlier this year I sat him down. I explained the problem. I told him that I will keep my calendar up to date, and that since I had No Fucking Clue what was going on at his house, I needed for him to pick up the reins. I begged him to schedule time in advance with me.
You know.
1. Make a date. Choose a time and date, mark it on the calendar.
2. Keep the date. Make sure that some other obligation doesn't bump our time slot.
But no.
We are right back to never seeing each other unless *I* beg him at the last minute to visit.
Oh, he misses me. The dates are great. But he can't make the logistics a priority for him.
So here I am. Once again. I have no desire to be torn into pieces, but I'm not sure how to roll forward with this.
When I was a child I had severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's a real bitch. It put a target on my back for every bully or kid just trying to make themselves look better.
Through 5 years of good counseling, I was able to kind of rewire myself.
As a teen and adult I have this reputation for being fearless; but really I just dismantled my ability to give a fuck about what other people think of me.
Except that, so ce I was a preadolescent, we never really dug into the fact that as someone in sexual relationships, I was going to encounter people I loved, trusted, and desired telling me they weren't interested.
Throw in my mom's shitty relationship with my father, where I watched her become increasingly agitated by his pulling away from her, and I've got a recipe for disaster.
Because nearly every partner I've ever had was less interested in sex than I am. My only exceptions are someone I had a friends with benefits relationship with, and someone too disorganized to arrange time to see me.
My main partner is most likely someone in the grey sexuality spectrum. This used to make me literally crazy. At one point, he was maintaining a relationship with me and our secondary, and she got pissed off at me. When I went to the source and asked her to talk about her beef with me, it came out that she thought I was "using him up" on our nights together. I dug out a calendar and showed her exactly how much sex we weren't having. She got differently upset and said, "I'm the one hoarding him? OMG what is WRONG with him!?!"
Now he's added a new partner.
I'm actually delighted about it. He's with someone I love like family and trust with my life. Someone who deserves to be treated well.
But he's shifting to the grey, and it's starting to freak her out.
I tried to talk to him about asexuality, and demisexuality. I'm not sure he agrees with me, and it's his call. On the other hand, it helps me keep my sanity when I can make this a "Him" problem.
Because I'm not going to flip out, obsess, chase him constantly, beg him for attention, and spin my wheels endlessly wondering what's wrong with me.
If something is wrong, I've told him that I trust him to come to me to discuss it. He knows the ball is in his court.
So I live with someone who does want sex sometimes, but not with me.
Of course I have another partner, too. Our comparability remains absolutely spectacular. He can't believe his luck in finding someone that he connects with intellectually who also is 100% down to clown all the time.
But I can't just fold myself into his life anymore. My new disability (thanks for nothing, Covid-19 you insufferable prick) means I can't be around certain smells; which his house is permeated with. Weed is sort of legal around here so there's a lot of blatant smoking going on over there, and not only is that a Bad Smell, it actually makes me sick.
And his household doesn't keep up on their Google calendar, so in addition to managing my entire household's calendar, I'm trying to figure things out with my other partner through psychic guesswork.
So earlier this year I sat him down. I explained the problem. I told him that I will keep my calendar up to date, and that since I had No Fucking Clue what was going on at his house, I needed for him to pick up the reins. I begged him to schedule time in advance with me.
You know.
1. Make a date. Choose a time and date, mark it on the calendar.
2. Keep the date. Make sure that some other obligation doesn't bump our time slot.
But no.
We are right back to never seeing each other unless *I* beg him at the last minute to visit.
Oh, he misses me. The dates are great. But he can't make the logistics a priority for him.
So here I am. Once again. I have no desire to be torn into pieces, but I'm not sure how to roll forward with this.