(no subject)
Obviously I'm still at home.
Since the doctor's office is closed, and the Insurance people haven't called back with informatino on medical facilities, I'm stuck at home until monday.
My mother asked me today what I was doing tomorrow. "Nothing" was my generic answer. She then asked if I'd help her burn some CD's. I agreed.
Of course I couldn't let her leave before talking to her. So, I was like.."Wait..mom.. Can I talk to you about something?" She stood in the door way for a moment, looked around as if she had somewhere to be, then agreed.
"I'm admitting myself to the hospital." I figured this time I should tell her before she freaked out and thought a friend had kidnapped me and started performing satanic rituals on me or something. (Cor, Ruthie! I'm so sorry for that!)
I spoke to her for a good hour or so. Or should I say, I spoke for 20 minutes, and was spoken to for the rest.
Its interesting how she sees my situation. Incredibly frustrating, but interesting. I'm not saying things went good, or bad. Because it was a bit of both, but, it was enlightening.
I now know that there are some things she'll never understand about me. Things that no matter how much I try and explain, she won't understand it.
We touched a bit on the Dad issue, and she just looked at me and said. "Yeah, I know how it was, I was with him for 5 years."
5 years of all sorts of beatings, life threats, and other odd happenings, that my father put her through.
I can't help but feel slightly angry. I was asking her for help, and it became about how he treated her.
I listened, and nodded, and in the end didn't get to explain the issues I had intended on touching on. Actually feeling worse when I was done.
Jim, my moms boyfriend, has been asking her "when is she going to move out?" I didn't even realize i was a burden on them. Huh.
She touched a bit on the mental "issues" issue today. Asked me if I thought I might be skitzophranic like my dad.
(isn't that interesting?) I shrugged. "I don't know whats wrong with me."
I wonder what compelled her to ask it. Maybe I have paranoid thoughts or something? Who knows.
I'm really sorry guys if I've been "woe is me" ish lately. I really do feel like the world is against me right now. Suprisingly enough I didn't even really realize that until today.
She told me to fight for everything I need. "Make sure those doctors know you HAVE TO HAVE THAT APPT so you can get your perscription filled... Don't give up when they tell you to call back later."
Yeah. Sounds good. Wish it was as simple as that.
She left after the conversation, asking me to go decorate the christmas tree with her. I'd been crying most of our conversation, and didn't really feel like doing anything but sleeping. So cordially I declined.
Basking in self pitty, or, something of the sort (emotional) I cried myself to sleep.
I had a dream that I was punched in the eye by ...something.. I cant remember what punched me. ANyway, when I woke up, my face was still swollen from all the crying I'd done (its weird, but my face gets balloonish when I cry) my left eye was swollen shut. The weird part about it is in the dream I was punched in the left eye.
I spent a while icing my eye, trying to get the swelling down.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed.
Night.
~Lynds
Since the doctor's office is closed, and the Insurance people haven't called back with informatino on medical facilities, I'm stuck at home until monday.
My mother asked me today what I was doing tomorrow. "Nothing" was my generic answer. She then asked if I'd help her burn some CD's. I agreed.
Of course I couldn't let her leave before talking to her. So, I was like.."Wait..mom.. Can I talk to you about something?" She stood in the door way for a moment, looked around as if she had somewhere to be, then agreed.
"I'm admitting myself to the hospital." I figured this time I should tell her before she freaked out and thought a friend had kidnapped me and started performing satanic rituals on me or something. (Cor, Ruthie! I'm so sorry for that!)
I spoke to her for a good hour or so. Or should I say, I spoke for 20 minutes, and was spoken to for the rest.
Its interesting how she sees my situation. Incredibly frustrating, but interesting. I'm not saying things went good, or bad. Because it was a bit of both, but, it was enlightening.
I now know that there are some things she'll never understand about me. Things that no matter how much I try and explain, she won't understand it.
We touched a bit on the Dad issue, and she just looked at me and said. "Yeah, I know how it was, I was with him for 5 years."
5 years of all sorts of beatings, life threats, and other odd happenings, that my father put her through.
I can't help but feel slightly angry. I was asking her for help, and it became about how he treated her.
I listened, and nodded, and in the end didn't get to explain the issues I had intended on touching on. Actually feeling worse when I was done.
Jim, my moms boyfriend, has been asking her "when is she going to move out?" I didn't even realize i was a burden on them. Huh.
She touched a bit on the mental "issues" issue today. Asked me if I thought I might be skitzophranic like my dad.
(isn't that interesting?) I shrugged. "I don't know whats wrong with me."
I wonder what compelled her to ask it. Maybe I have paranoid thoughts or something? Who knows.
I'm really sorry guys if I've been "woe is me" ish lately. I really do feel like the world is against me right now. Suprisingly enough I didn't even really realize that until today.
She told me to fight for everything I need. "Make sure those doctors know you HAVE TO HAVE THAT APPT so you can get your perscription filled... Don't give up when they tell you to call back later."
Yeah. Sounds good. Wish it was as simple as that.
She left after the conversation, asking me to go decorate the christmas tree with her. I'd been crying most of our conversation, and didn't really feel like doing anything but sleeping. So cordially I declined.
Basking in self pitty, or, something of the sort (emotional) I cried myself to sleep.
I had a dream that I was punched in the eye by ...something.. I cant remember what punched me. ANyway, when I woke up, my face was still swollen from all the crying I'd done (its weird, but my face gets balloonish when I cry) my left eye was swollen shut. The weird part about it is in the dream I was punched in the left eye.
I spent a while icing my eye, trying to get the swelling down.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go to bed.
Night.
~Lynds