(no subject)
So I haven't posted in abouuuuuut forever, so i keep sitting down and thinking i will, and then realizing i have nothing to say.
but it doesn't really matter. I'm gonna sit here and type, dammit, and maybe something will come out.
maybe not, and then it'll be a huge waste on your friends page, and a waste of my time. but what else should i be doing while i'm hoping that a certain guy gets online tonight so i can talk to him.
i think i'm a little obsessed. with this guy. pretty much because he's famous (seriously) and he talks to me. i don't think i'm going to explain why he's famous, because it's not that important, plus you all don't care. But he is famous, for a kentucky high school student. and a lot of people know of him. and he's an AMAZING athlete (he currently holds the national record in 5k cross country. he ran it in 14:35. and that means nothing to any of you except maybe masaru, but it's a big deal.)
so i just explained why he's famous, and i said i wouldn't, but i don't care. you all don't have to read this if you dont' want to.
so annnnnnnyway. i don't know why he talks to ME, of all people. he gives me crap reasons like, "i don't care about looks, i care about a girl's smile and sense of humor." but there are plenty of xc girls at those meets who look better, and run better, and act better, and would be a better girlfriend than me.
not that we're like, talking about being serious girlfriends/boyfriends, here. obviously. since boys just don't date me. it's a law of physics.
speaking of physics, he wants to be a physics teacher. after he's done running, i guess. he wants to run in the olympic trials some day. all i can think is "wouldn't it be cool to be an olympic athelete's girlfriend?" which is 1. ridiculous and 2. selfish. Because first of all, he's way too well-behaved for me. And he lives like an hour+ away. And we haven't even been on a date, or even talked seriously about GOING on a date. We have talked un-seriously. But i seriously doubt it'll happen, since i'm excited about it, and things don't happen when they make me excited. And secondly, even if we ever DID date, it shouldn't be about me being a famous person's girlfriend. Do i really like him, or do i like the idea of being a successful person's girlfriend?
Which i guess is what bothers me most about this whole thing. I don't know him THAT well. I have no idea what he's like, other than on saturday mornings and the 2 whole times i've talked to him on the internet. and the emails he's sent me. I don't know if we'd get along at all, since we're obviously still just meeting. I don't know if that's something i should even be CONCERNED about. I don't know if we'll ever GO on a date. I don't know if he even LIKES me enough to go out on a date. I mean, honestly.
And then all these insecurities pop out. like, what if i'm NOT pretty enough (i'm not stupid enough to think it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER) or what if he finds out that i'm a big whore (or at least, i was) or what if he doesn't like me like that, and why WOULD he like me like that, because if no one else does, why should HE?
The one guy i thought i could rely on to always like me LIKE THAT has copped out on me and told me he just thinks of me as a friend. this guy who has had a crush on me since about 5th grade. and i know i'm being stupid and selfish because duh, it's leslie we're talking about here, but it MATTERS TO ME.
Have you ever noticed that you look better at certain times of the month than others? Well, I have. And I look horrible right now, all the time. And it shouldn't matter, blah blah blah. but it does. and i think that, for me, it always will. and i don't even know whether that's a bad thing or not.
I like how all my entries have been about boys, or looks, or both. always. i swear, i hope no one who doesn't know me reads this. because i look like a very shallow person. maybe i am. but most of the time, in real life, i can hide it. it all just surfaces when you give me a blank screen to type in.
so i just read kathleen's entry, and she said she doesn't hate herself and never could, and i was thinking that. but then when i read the stuff that's coming out of my head and onto this screen, i find it really hard to like myself. or think that other people could like me.
I'm sorry. I'm so emo and bitchy and whiny. SHUT UP LESLIE.
Jesus Christ, that's the most pathetic thing i've ever read. I was having a happy day today. What is wrong with me. I have no control over my brain.
So I'm going to stop being stupid now. I'm really a happy person. I would like a boyfriend. I would like my skin to clear up. I would like free time. But still. I am happy. I have fun. Isn't that what happy means?
I'm stopping now. I'm not in as depressed a mood as it sounds like, I swear. Or maybe I am? And I just don't realize it until i start typing in this livejournal? ehhhhh. I don't carrrrre.
but it doesn't really matter. I'm gonna sit here and type, dammit, and maybe something will come out.
maybe not, and then it'll be a huge waste on your friends page, and a waste of my time. but what else should i be doing while i'm hoping that a certain guy gets online tonight so i can talk to him.
i think i'm a little obsessed. with this guy. pretty much because he's famous (seriously) and he talks to me. i don't think i'm going to explain why he's famous, because it's not that important, plus you all don't care. But he is famous, for a kentucky high school student. and a lot of people know of him. and he's an AMAZING athlete (he currently holds the national record in 5k cross country. he ran it in 14:35. and that means nothing to any of you except maybe masaru, but it's a big deal.)
so i just explained why he's famous, and i said i wouldn't, but i don't care. you all don't have to read this if you dont' want to.
so annnnnnnyway. i don't know why he talks to ME, of all people. he gives me crap reasons like, "i don't care about looks, i care about a girl's smile and sense of humor." but there are plenty of xc girls at those meets who look better, and run better, and act better, and would be a better girlfriend than me.
not that we're like, talking about being serious girlfriends/boyfriends, here. obviously. since boys just don't date me. it's a law of physics.
speaking of physics, he wants to be a physics teacher. after he's done running, i guess. he wants to run in the olympic trials some day. all i can think is "wouldn't it be cool to be an olympic athelete's girlfriend?" which is 1. ridiculous and 2. selfish. Because first of all, he's way too well-behaved for me. And he lives like an hour+ away. And we haven't even been on a date, or even talked seriously about GOING on a date. We have talked un-seriously. But i seriously doubt it'll happen, since i'm excited about it, and things don't happen when they make me excited. And secondly, even if we ever DID date, it shouldn't be about me being a famous person's girlfriend. Do i really like him, or do i like the idea of being a successful person's girlfriend?
Which i guess is what bothers me most about this whole thing. I don't know him THAT well. I have no idea what he's like, other than on saturday mornings and the 2 whole times i've talked to him on the internet. and the emails he's sent me. I don't know if we'd get along at all, since we're obviously still just meeting. I don't know if that's something i should even be CONCERNED about. I don't know if we'll ever GO on a date. I don't know if he even LIKES me enough to go out on a date. I mean, honestly.
And then all these insecurities pop out. like, what if i'm NOT pretty enough (i'm not stupid enough to think it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER) or what if he finds out that i'm a big whore (or at least, i was) or what if he doesn't like me like that, and why WOULD he like me like that, because if no one else does, why should HE?
The one guy i thought i could rely on to always like me LIKE THAT has copped out on me and told me he just thinks of me as a friend. this guy who has had a crush on me since about 5th grade. and i know i'm being stupid and selfish because duh, it's leslie we're talking about here, but it MATTERS TO ME.
Have you ever noticed that you look better at certain times of the month than others? Well, I have. And I look horrible right now, all the time. And it shouldn't matter, blah blah blah. but it does. and i think that, for me, it always will. and i don't even know whether that's a bad thing or not.
I like how all my entries have been about boys, or looks, or both. always. i swear, i hope no one who doesn't know me reads this. because i look like a very shallow person. maybe i am. but most of the time, in real life, i can hide it. it all just surfaces when you give me a blank screen to type in.
so i just read kathleen's entry, and she said she doesn't hate herself and never could, and i was thinking that. but then when i read the stuff that's coming out of my head and onto this screen, i find it really hard to like myself. or think that other people could like me.
I'm sorry. I'm so emo and bitchy and whiny. SHUT UP LESLIE.
Jesus Christ, that's the most pathetic thing i've ever read. I was having a happy day today. What is wrong with me. I have no control over my brain.
So I'm going to stop being stupid now. I'm really a happy person. I would like a boyfriend. I would like my skin to clear up. I would like free time. But still. I am happy. I have fun. Isn't that what happy means?
I'm stopping now. I'm not in as depressed a mood as it sounds like, I swear. Or maybe I am? And I just don't realize it until i start typing in this livejournal? ehhhhh. I don't carrrrre.