tell it like you still believe
Does anyone else feel as confused as I do? About absolutely everything and nothing all at once? There is something inside of me always crying, but it only comes out when I get upset. Nothing makes too much sense. Nothing is tangible, I can't even verbally express things...the change that I've been feeling for the past few years...when will it come? Is it just me, or is it a larger scale? Something is happening...can't all of you feel it? I hate it...and the fact that I can't live in the present, and procrastinate, and dream but don't do, and am so totally lost in everything doesn't help. I need to find where I belong...I doon't mean that I feel the need to "fit in" with a particular group or anything...I can't explain it...no matter where I've gone, it never feels like home. This is not home because my real family, my friends, are so far away...and I need all of you. Delaware isn't home b/c I can't make myself do anything there but sleep all day and have fun all night till 7 am...not that that's SO bad, but I'd have to work if I came back, b/c I can't live with my dad...*shudder*I'm supposed to start school again in the fall...but I just don't feel it...and I have no idea what I want to do...I mean, I know it isn't that big of a deal, I can get a degree in anything and then go do whatever the hell I want, but what? Currently, it's a toss-up between education and midwifery...the only thing that I've ever been sure about wanting to do, is travel, now, most people would say "why not just work for money to travel?" Good question, to which I have no answer, cause I dunno. I'm not lazy, just unhappy-ish and unmotivated. The earpieces on my glasses always smell like vanilla, my last pair did as well-but here's the odd thing...they don't smell that way because of shampoo or anything like that, it's me. Wierder still? Tastes like vanilla too. If I don't find some people to hang out with around here soon, I am gonna freak out. We had to live in Poulsbo...couldn't have been a really good town like port townsend, or even Bainbridge Island...oh well. In fierce invalids home from hot climates, Switter's maestra tells him that self-pity is the root of depression, I totally believe that. I think if I could just be constantly high while living here, that would cut my boredom and lonliness in half...I've been thinking about picking up the guitar, I'm not really planning on getting good or anything, I just need something else to occupy my time...I can't wait til Aaron moves to Portland! That'll be wicked fun-and I get Victor Pulack back...sweeeeet. I really like the way that a 14$ is actually better than a 300$ one...not that I don't love the devil bitch...alright, I'm rambling. I don't expect anyone to read this, because I don't read anyone else's these days...although ashley and camilo will probably read this...Why are there so many periods in this entry? When I went outside a couple hours ago, there was a rad little tree frog on the side of my house...that is the most exciting thing that's happened alll day-I did watch Lost in Translation w/ ma mere tonight though, and that was great- it reminded me of Marky, so I left him a message, I really miss he and Dean, and I worry about them. Kevin Clough IMed me last night and we talked for like 2 hours...it was the most random thing ever-Ashley, he wanted me to give you his cell # so you can call him-he misses you. So, in conclusion, I am going crazy and I wish everyone would move out here...or come visit!