The Cheet is to the limit
I made a goal to go back to school in the fall, because if I didn't make a goal I was afraid that I would spiral uncontrollably downward.
I want to go to school and some part of me somewhere is excited but the rest of me is heavily medicated and detached.
I am going to get off of anti-psychotics. Not only because I feel detached and faceless but because I now weigh something like 260 pounds, so i have gained almost 50 pounds since starting seraquel. When the psychotic relapse occurred my doctor said she thought it would be temporary. SO. Maybe it's over. I don't really care.
If by next February I am still homeless I will maybe kill myself. I can't imagine my life moving forward if by then nothing has changed. While I love phil and amanda desperately for allowing me to live on their couch and providing me so much support, having no privacy leaves my nerves exposed. I often feel like I am not a person, not because of anyone else's behavior towards me, but because I have lived until now being able to sleep in a bed and close a door when I needed to. Saying the word homeless makes me feel guilty because I know that I am welcome to stay at my grandpas house, but I can't stay more than a night or so there without sobbing and feeling suffocated. Plus I would have no control over my environment there either, really. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a horrible person who doesn't appreciate what they have. If that is the case, then I'm sorry to whomever I am supposed to be sorry to. I cannot stay alive like this for very much longer.
I am coming to realize that my relationship related PTSD runs deeper than I thought it did and that it has a bigger impact on my day-to-day perception that I had previously noticed.
Sometimes when I got to the speedway on mentor avenue (which is all the time) I feel myself beginning to have a panic attack, because that is the gas station that seth and i would go to. 8 years ago. what, am i worried im going to see him? that hes going to attack me? maybe im worried that im going to see a ghost of my former self and i won't be able to warn her.
There is a really big part of me that is broken, but I know that I am capable of giving and receiving love. I think that I just to be around very patient and understanding people. Most of my friends fit that description so that is good i guess. Part of me worries that I will never be in a healthy relationship but I think that might be the broken part. I hope that's the broken part.
I don't know if i meant what I said about killing myself next year or not.
Maybe.
I don't have enough money to live on my own and no one wants to/can live with me so it seems unlikely that the situation will be remedied easily. Section 8 is closed and the only public housing assistance available is in painesville, there are only a couple buildings and the waiting list is 2 years. Even if I was given public housing i wouldn't accept it, first of all because I dont have a car and paineseville is far away from everything and secondly, there are people with children who need homes more than I do.
I don't know.
whatever forever.
or something.
I want to go to school and some part of me somewhere is excited but the rest of me is heavily medicated and detached.
I am going to get off of anti-psychotics. Not only because I feel detached and faceless but because I now weigh something like 260 pounds, so i have gained almost 50 pounds since starting seraquel. When the psychotic relapse occurred my doctor said she thought it would be temporary. SO. Maybe it's over. I don't really care.
If by next February I am still homeless I will maybe kill myself. I can't imagine my life moving forward if by then nothing has changed. While I love phil and amanda desperately for allowing me to live on their couch and providing me so much support, having no privacy leaves my nerves exposed. I often feel like I am not a person, not because of anyone else's behavior towards me, but because I have lived until now being able to sleep in a bed and close a door when I needed to. Saying the word homeless makes me feel guilty because I know that I am welcome to stay at my grandpas house, but I can't stay more than a night or so there without sobbing and feeling suffocated. Plus I would have no control over my environment there either, really. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a horrible person who doesn't appreciate what they have. If that is the case, then I'm sorry to whomever I am supposed to be sorry to. I cannot stay alive like this for very much longer.
I am coming to realize that my relationship related PTSD runs deeper than I thought it did and that it has a bigger impact on my day-to-day perception that I had previously noticed.
Sometimes when I got to the speedway on mentor avenue (which is all the time) I feel myself beginning to have a panic attack, because that is the gas station that seth and i would go to. 8 years ago. what, am i worried im going to see him? that hes going to attack me? maybe im worried that im going to see a ghost of my former self and i won't be able to warn her.
There is a really big part of me that is broken, but I know that I am capable of giving and receiving love. I think that I just to be around very patient and understanding people. Most of my friends fit that description so that is good i guess. Part of me worries that I will never be in a healthy relationship but I think that might be the broken part. I hope that's the broken part.
I don't know if i meant what I said about killing myself next year or not.
Maybe.
I don't have enough money to live on my own and no one wants to/can live with me so it seems unlikely that the situation will be remedied easily. Section 8 is closed and the only public housing assistance available is in painesville, there are only a couple buildings and the waiting list is 2 years. Even if I was given public housing i wouldn't accept it, first of all because I dont have a car and paineseville is far away from everything and secondly, there are people with children who need homes more than I do.
I don't know.
whatever forever.
or something.