Sapientia Et Veritas, Et Non
"Today is born the seventh one
Born of woman the seventh son
And he in turn of a seventh son
He has the power to heal
He has the gift of the second sight
He is the chosen one
So it shall be written
So it shall be done"
You might've guessed it: We are on the 7th prompt post. Hurray!
And although seven is "the most magical number there is", the rules for ( Read more... )
By: the collective Guardian TV critic and drama review teams, having for the moment escaped the beady eyes of the Weekend and Review editors enough to get away with the below.
So it's been a bumpy week for Daniel Stewart, on-screen and off. Probably. Actually, he seems to be one of the few people taking the whole thing calmly, Rocky Horror Show footage, links to spin doctors real and fictional, and all. Of course, that might just be practice: red top wailing about the THoC “GAY AGENDA” has become a seasonal sign on a par with falling leaves, and it's not the first time it has been centred on Stewart, alone or in some alignment with Moorland or Hope. Or that loud squee (as we have now all learnt to call it) has focused on exactly those same three, albeit usually not from the tabloids. The addition of Nik Anderson to the picture has not helped people keep level heads, of course, or quieted down the still ongoing calls to Bring Back Laws. But then, nothing ever does.
Still, let's try and take stock sensibly, shall we? Knew you'd say yes. Settle down comfortably, this may take a while. And yes, of course we researched and wrote this purely out of the public interest angle of engaging in media analysis, why do you ask?
All right, then, that settled, here's roughly what we could claim to know at this point:
Confirmed: that really is genuine footage of Stewart as Frank'N'Furter, and that really is his own singing voice. Of course, even if this wasn't so, the footage would still fuel any number of fan wet dreams. Not confirmed: rumours he still has that outfit, or something very much like it, and wears it on a fairly regular basis for the benefit of special friends. Or on special occasions for the benefit of regular friends. Or under his suit while playing a Tory Chancellor on THoC. We'll get back to speculation about his other past roles and their supposedly sinister significance further on, once we've got the more immediately juicy bits out of the way.
Confirmed: Stewart is sharing half of a duplex owned by Moorland and Hope with Anderson, and the other half of the duplex is occupied by Moorland and Hope, who by now must be rather tired of both fictional and real life fusses over gay men owning houses, though we're sure Moorland will respond with his trademark elegantly world-weary banter.
Not confirmed: any version of the exact nature of the landlord-tenant relationship(s), including the bit about connecting doors inside the duplex, or the exact nature of the Stewart-Anderson relationship. Yes, this also means we can't be sure the writers were cocking a snook at the red tops beyond what was suspected at the time with the whole Lawsgate storyline, but of course it does look suspicious. Also also not confirmed: rumours that Stewart was involved with one or both of Moorland and Hope during their rumoured period of estrangement, was the cause of the estrangement, or was the one who brought them together again, or is currently (still?) a third party to one or both of them. Or some combination of the above. Possibly all of them. With possibly bonus Anderson-involvement somewhere.
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Also not confirmed: tabloid hints that Sweden is one great big free-for-all omnisexual orgy, only further fuelled by the Swedish embassy's cultural attache's refusal to comment on the THoC “gay agenda” issue on the grounds of it being “profoundly silly”. Clearly, as the THoC's fictional tabloid, the Daily Mail, would doubtlessly have it, the man is hiding the fact that the Swedes are also secret Moslems who plot against the pound, speculate to increase UK mortgages, and breed new mutant strains of superflu. In between orgies, that is.
Aside: our own little joint TV and drama critic team don't find the idea of the “Duplex Four” as a menage à quatre either sordid or off-putting, but then we are Grauniad journalists, and we know not everyone's broad minded like us. We could add that who does what to whom among consenting adults is surely only their business as long as nobody's harmed, but we're not sure it's worth the trouble. If there is any truth to the speculation that the four of them like to get themselves up in Rocky Horror drag together, though, there may be a market for pictures.
Confirmed: Stewart and former No. 10 press officer Jamie “Berserker” MacDonald were at school together. Pretty much confirmed: MacDonald used to pick on Stewart in a manner suggesting a barely repressed and not least unrequited crush, at least to bystanders. Confirmed (bizarrely): Malcolm Tucker keeps a photo from an old Edinburgh Fringe events magazine of Stewart in full parody Brideshead Revisited rig on his fridge (teddy bear included). Not confirmed: this picture being a constant source of jealous rows between Tucker and MacDonald. Also not confirmed, while we're on the subject: whether Tucker and MacDonald's recent insistent PDAing amounts to coming out as a couple, or just, as suggested by “insider sources”, “more of their usual fucking with people's heads and need to keep themselves in the papers”.
Getting back to Danny, it is also not confirmed that Stewart, asked about MacDonald, responded that “some people take an awfy long time to get past a hand-job in the run-up to Highers”. BBC “sources” have apparently confirmed that MacDonald has repeatedly been found lurking outside Stewart's THoC dressing room in a menacing way, though sources close to the Labour party have called this into doubt on the grounds that “I'll have that fuckin' jessie” sounds altogether too ladylike to be a real MacDonald quote. (They do however suggest that rumours MacDonald is as upset not to have any character based on himself in THoC as Tucker is to have two based on him are correct.)
Anyway, right, we're getting to the big one now. So, NOT actually confirmed: Stewart has been part, at least since being cast in THoC, of a gay agenda by apparently heterosexual married father of four Matthew Garret (head writer and Michael Gove actor) to subvert the minds of our children, presumably by emanating gayness from the supposedly unlikely direction of a fictional Tory politician. Yeah, we know. Still, let's examine the available evidence, shall we?
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After the Corfugate storyline on THoC (Exhibit B), of course, BBC took it upon themselves to relaunch the drama on DVD, with considerable fanfare, and it became the focus of a considerable amount of speculation about the possible role of Stewart in the aforementioned rumoured estrangement and reconciliation between Moorland and Hope, generally agreed, if it took place at all, to have occurred somewhere around the time of the second Mandelson resignation storyline, i.e. not long after the Dorian Gray mini-series originally aired. For reasons indicated above, we have doubts about the whole thing, much as some of us like to imagine the relevant threesome-scenarios.
Sales were given another small boost about a year later first by the Spectator award ceremony scene between Stewart and Moorland (Exhibit C) and then again by the spin room scenes Stewart was given with Moorland and Hope (separately) during the 2010 election campaign storyline. These, if you are not one of the chronic youtube viewers of both clips, feature (Exhibit D) Osborne quaking in the sights of a predatorily tactile Mandelson, and then later in his turn (Exhibit E) eyeing up Hope's not exactly unresponsive Campbell in a distinctly flirty manner while advising him to be “more macho.” Both scenes have been confirmed as largely ad-libbed by the actors involved.
It has also been confirmed that Stewart went on holiday with Moorland and Hope in the Summer of 2009, albeit this was spent in Tuscany and not, (as suggested by the THoC) by Stewart and Moorland alone in a rowing boat off Hartlepool, or on a yacht off Corfu.
We would however suggest that much of this can be accounted for in more mundane ways. For instance, “established couple befriend younger man, and later agree to share house with him and his new partner; all parties are comfortable enough around each other to manage occasional flirtatious overtones” seems to cover the known facts of Stewart's (and Anderson's) relationship with Moorland and Hope. Moreover, it's hardly as if playing Dorian Gray without homoerotic vibes would make much sense. And Stewart's tendency to get typecast as characters who are posh, not Scots, and of variable moral and intellectual calibre can probably be traced to a) the fact that he just has that posh boy kind of face and b) his being a gifted impressionist who got his first breaks on the stage in student revues for his memorable take-offs of southern public school boy types.
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Furthermore, having originally been cast by Báthory as Raskolnikov's well-meaning and thoroughly good best friend Razoumikhine in Crime and Punishment, he was promoted in her subsequent adaptations of The Brothers Karamazov to joint headliner as Alexis Karamazov, and then to lead as Prince Myshkin in The Idiot, for (in her words) his “ability to play characters too good for this sinful earth without becoming insipid or losing any of his sex appeal”. (Note to readers: the quote will sound better if you imagine it in Báthory's natural husky and Middle European accented voice, rather than what she herself calls the “Anglo-Saxon shrill” of her be-wigged THoC character.) Not always posh, then, and not always useless, let alone malign, and - the title of The Idiot aside - not necessarily given to mental, moral or spiritual dimness, either. And yes, we're aware of the basic earthiness exuded by Stewart in his few actual interviews, but we do not imagine this means he's incapable of reaching at higher ground.
The nearest to playing a classic "darkside Tory" in a semi-serious way Stewart came before THoC was in fact trying out for the role of the young Francis Urquhart in the planned Channel 4 mockumentary “FU: Prelude to Power”. As you'll know, that one got buried before it was born in yet another of the Widow Urky's moves to kill all suggestions that her late husband was not in fact either dull or decent, let alone that even he was outdone in the not being dull or decent stakes from early on by her fragrant self, who had nothing at all to do with his unnatural death. For what it's worth, the Channel 4 producers, while impressed by Stewart's audition, apparently felt he had “the right accent and vibe, but the wrong nose” to play Urky.
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Granted, this has not always been helped by Stewart's own difficulties with the transition between stage- and screen acting, which has sometimes led to awkward moments of over- and under-emoting. Yes, we know he claims that what Henry Moorland refers to as “the boy's rather disturbing out-of-body experience expression” was always deliberate, not a fluke that became part of the character, but we still suspect it is due to someone more used to the particular sharp on/off of stage spotlights than the equally-but-differently sharp capacity of a camera to catch you if you zone out.
And we're still not quite sure what to make of the surprise appearances of what Báthory memorably called his “heart-stopping baby smile” at the end of, for example, Osborne's otherwise rather B'Stardly delivery of his 2008 party conference speech. At the time we thought it might be meant as an ironic echo of the peculiarly disturbing un-smile Charlie Johnstone invented for Gordon Brown (the character, obviously, not the producer), but given that it is nowhere as wrong, and in fact rather melts us every time, we're really not sure. If anything, though, we are more inclined to see Stewart as involved in a sinister plot to make us find Tories cute than a sinister plot to turn kids gay by suggesting onscreen Tory characters may be a bit less than a hundred per cent heterosexual.
The uncertain writing consistency can hardly be blamed on the THoC team being unwilling to have blatantly off-the-wall but charming Tory characters, though, after they have given us, just to name a few, Anton “CallMeTony” Palook's Michael Heseltine, Nikolai “Nicky” Nevajno's Boris Johnson, Vladimir “Vlad” Stroganoff's Oliver Letwin and most recently, Sacha Skidelsky's John Bercow. And no, we don't know what's up with all the East Europeans that have, in Gillian Duffy's words, flocked into the cast over the years either, especially as Tories. (And let's not get started on actors from other parts of the EU) We're just ongoingly baffled by the red tops' failure to develop a conspiracy theory about it. But we live in hope that they, and Danny Boy, will manage to fully realize the potential of George Osborne the character.
In the meantime we do rather admire the ability of the THoC team as well as Stewart himself to work around glitches, from casting Osborne's oddities of body language as “not so focus-grouped as DCam”, “was a bullying victim even in college” and “don't imagine this means he's actually daft” through the capacity to fixate a nation-wide audience on the shape of a soap character's wrists and the length of his hair as if these were fundamental issues of the human condition with which we all need to wrestle. And Jamie, we feel your pain.
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Urky, Bathory, Stroganoff! A veritable Chelsea line-up of stars. And Danny Boy himself - I think it's love. :D
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ALL THE LITTLE WONDERFUL THINGS IN THIS -clutches-
Absolutely sterling work!
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Gids as Frank-N-Furter!
Frankie!Gids with RockyHorror!DLaws and RockyHorror!Mandelbell!
Lawsborne wedding!
DorianGray!Gids with evil lord Mandy and brooding artist Campbell!
And Jamie/Malcolm PDA *sigh*
Somebody with manip skills, please do something about it?
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OK, teams, you know we always catch you out in these attempts, right? Because they always happen when you have your staff drinks, that's why. So just a few points:
We'd love to print this, as soon as we have the funds for the legal actions we can expect from the Urquhart Foundation, and enough for the medical and furniture replacement expenses involved in antagonizing Jamie MacDonald. This is tentatively penciled in for the issue dated “hell freezes over”.
We'd add that MacDonald is supposedly additionally sensitive about the issue because the end of high school also coincided with his giving up training to be a priest. (Yes, we know, we still find that hard to believe too. Still, at least the world was spared a second, much swearier inquisition. Or “Vatican spokesman KOs Archbishop of Canterbury, Richard Dawkins”)
Also, everytime that “two characters in the THoC based on Malcolm Tucker” thing does its rounds, Lord Nicholson of Arnage's press officer calls to complain that he's not getting enough credit for inspiring Mandelson. Pointing out the difference in hair does not go over well.
In terms of research, may I also point out that with the two whole drama and TV writing teams together, at least ONE of you should have known that Gillian Duffy was played by the THoC's long-term casting director of the same name, who presumably knows exactly where the Eastern Europeans in the cast have been "flocking in" from.
Relevant staff have been warned about letting anything any of you write for us in the next while go through without detailed editorial approval and possibly clearing by the legal advisor, by the way.
And we wash our hands of anything any of you might do in your own time on the newly added wiki bits of the unofficial THoC fansite we know you all keep hanging out on. Just so that's clear.
Ed.
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Classic clips update, in honour of Duplexgate!
* Henry Moorland and Chester Hope on Graham Norton: includes the giant “No comment” smirk when he asks HM if he's ever asked CH to “channel Alastair” for him. Watch it before the TV company request it taken down (again)!
* Clip somebody took with their phone camera of Danny Stewart dancing around rather drunkenly in the VIP section at a 2009 Lady Gaga concert, wearing a t-shirt with the News of the World “THoC's Osborne Is Moorland-Hope Boy Toy” frontpage on it. Slightly out of focus picture of smaller strawberry blond guy next to him, but unfortunately the face isn't clearly visible. Still, you know what we're thinking. And let's not even get started on the dancing in a kilt thing.
* And yes, of course, we have reinstated the “Sweet Transvestite” clip.
THoC bloopers out-takes! some of them ahem, from special sources
* Nik randomly puts on Viking helmet during “First Paxman interview” scene as camera is off him, and then watches Paxo's breakdown in haughty deadpan, continuing with his own lines as if nothing had happened.
* Nik scuttles off Danny's lap hurriedly as the cameras start for the Laws/Osborne first joint press appearance scene. Side camera view shows them going back to holding hands repeatedly whenever the main camera is on neck-up shots.
* Nik bursts into “Money (Makes The World Go Around)” from Cabaret during a break in filming his “arrival at the Treasury” scene, having refused requests for ABBA (“Don't be silly, that's about gold-diggers. Wannabe gold-diggers. At least this one sounds vaguely political”).
* Henry sings “Mad About the Boy” to helplessly giggling Danny in spin room. Followed by deleted scene in which Danny, having finished his “David won that debate” lines, theatrically clutches the shoulder HM patted and calls “And I'm never cleaning this jacket again” (still in character-voice) after nearby-lurking Moorland, who blows a kiss back at him. Rumours that HM wasn't just patting Danny's shoulder, if you know what we mean, still not definitely confirmed.
* Chester and Danny play “snog chicken” at the end of their Spin Room clip - director can be heard shrieking “Cut! Cut!” Chester wins, btw. Or is it the one that goes for the snog first that loses? We forget. Anyway, Danny boy is not exactly uncooperative, considering CH practically folds him in half backwards like a tango-dancer. “More macho” indeed.
* Danny struggling out of the DCam/Clegg/DAlex group hug when it continues just a little too long: “Get aff! I'm no' that kind of boy anymore!”
Oh, and nothing directly to do with Duplexgate, but we love them anyway, although we're a bit worried about the politically suspect nature of the last one:
* Danny trying to teach [Vince Cable] and [Alistair Darling] the moves to “Boys Boys Boys” during a break in the filming of the Chancellors' Debate. (They do surprisingly well.)
* Danny makes Stefan [Clegg] lose the thread in his first stand-in PMQs scene by gazing at him torridly.
* Danny starting the Spending Review shoot by screaming “Now get this, ya scrounging wee schemies!” from the despatch box, adding, “An' you, pal” at [Alan Johnson] on the opposing bench.
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