(no subject)
Labor day came, I fought back tears on the couch and dug myself into some poetry which didn't help. I got up and fought my way east to Frederick, the strangest cloud in the sky. Since May I haven't thought much about the situation, but now it's about that time where we went off into the burning orange, beautiful fall, and you left me on the couch. How broken and alone I felt, if only you knew how hard I cried. You didn't value my tenderness, my heart aching. I remember being in love with the feel of venue for the reception dinner. I remember the plates, I remember the cabin. I remember pulling up and imagining you and I snuggled up alone there. Alone it was. A deeper loneliness, for hours that seemed to last forever. Anyways, soon after that it will be close to the time when we walked into the empty place, and it was ours. I was so scared, we fought the whole way. Then, alone again. Alone and empty in a place that we would soon fill with things, and words, blood and tears, fights and love. I started crying and told you how scared I was and you held me to tell me it would all be okay. I still believed you then. But I didn't know. I remember the night, so wet, I let it all go for once. The sheets were soaked, and I cried again, but for feeling the release and feeling better for once. I thought it would get better from there. I remember some nights so cold in our simple little bed. And that was all okay with me. I remember the dark, the shows, the showers, the food. I remember the first night, the kiss that doomed me, the magnetism to you, the craving. I remember your skin, always burning hot. Do you really believe all the things you said? Do you regret anything at all? How can you not see the truth? Not to say anything will ever change, the tides have all come and gone, brought whatever was left out with it to the vastness that we will never be able to dive into again, a depth we will never again reach.
I'm better in a sense. I'm sure you're better. I'm finding again the things about myself that disappeared. I have a comfort in my routine. I warm myself with whiskey and coffee. I read and focus and write as much as I can. I want to lose myself into magical things. I want to feel the push. What love do I even feel anymore? I was so ecstatically high from June through July. Now I've fallen down a bit and I keep looking towards something that's not there, or that is far. I'm so confused.
My mom and I had a long talk last night. About finances, and careers, and life. I got scared shitless. But then we talked about the property and I imagine all the things that could come to me. I imagine having babies and living simply and a big white kitchen with open cabinets and jade dishware. I imagine walking my babes down the mountain to sit on my mom's porch. I imagine the sun shining in, I imagine all the beautiful moments. I don't know I'll have to try again later. Too many thoughts for me at once to capture half the time.
I'm better in a sense. I'm sure you're better. I'm finding again the things about myself that disappeared. I have a comfort in my routine. I warm myself with whiskey and coffee. I read and focus and write as much as I can. I want to lose myself into magical things. I want to feel the push. What love do I even feel anymore? I was so ecstatically high from June through July. Now I've fallen down a bit and I keep looking towards something that's not there, or that is far. I'm so confused.
My mom and I had a long talk last night. About finances, and careers, and life. I got scared shitless. But then we talked about the property and I imagine all the things that could come to me. I imagine having babies and living simply and a big white kitchen with open cabinets and jade dishware. I imagine walking my babes down the mountain to sit on my mom's porch. I imagine the sun shining in, I imagine all the beautiful moments. I don't know I'll have to try again later. Too many thoughts for me at once to capture half the time.