"White Fur, Green Scarf" - an Achievement Hunter/Rooster Teeth fanfic
Rating: PG-13 (cursing, but that's expected)
Word count: 3932
Pairing: none
Summary: Our own Michael Jones stumbles into the rabbit hole and meets some strange counterparts, searching for a way back home.
It's not every day that Michael Jones wakes up to discover that he had been crossdressing in his sleep with a live rabbit on his stomach. "What the fuck?" were the first words out of his dry mouth.
It wasn't the dress that pissed him off; embarrassing himself in the office was a daily occurrence anyway. Rather, it was the irritating warm lump on top of his new outfit that woke him up from a particularly pleasant nap that made him angry. He tried to shift his position on the office couch to get the rabbit to move, with no avail. "Get off asshole," he insisted, though shouting abuse didn't seem to affect the animal.
The white rabbit seemed content where he was, sniffing at the soft blue cloth it laid on. Michael rubbed his eyes and re-examined the rabbit. Its soft white fur clashed with the bright green patterned scarf it wore that resembled the skin of a...Creeper.
"Gavin?" Michael asked the rabbit, ignoring the fact that he's now talking to animals. In a dress.
The rabbit looked up at him in surprise and hopped off, running out of the room in a hurry. Michael groaned and got up, still too sleep-logged to deal with this shit. He brushed off any invisible rabbit germs from his dress, making a note to change as soon as possible, and followed the rabbit out.
After a few more minutes of chasing, Michael was given the slip by the pesky rabbit. He wondered the halls, noticing the strange silence. The entire building seemed completely empty besides himself and the rabbit. Michael went to check the time on his phone, but discovered that the dress had no pockets. Of fucking course.
As Michael walked back to the Achievement Hunter office, he heard a crash coming from the room. He barged in and discovered the rabbit lying on the ground, surrounded by the fallen trinkets that usually occupied Gavin's desk. It was nursing its head like it was hurt which made Michael's annoyance with the animal cool down. As he approached it, however, the rabbit suddenly took off again. This time, it hopped on Gavin's chair, onto the desk, then into the computer monitor.
Michael stared at the blank screen for a full ten seconds before blinking again. "What. The. Fuck."
Before he could react any further, Michael was sucked into a vortex.
><><
The trip to where ever the Hell he was going was, well, trippy. Images flashed across his eyes with such speed he could barely make out the blur before it disappeared. He could have sworn he saw the rabbit at one point, but it was too hard to tell.
Just as suddenly as the journey began, it ended. Michael found himself dropped unceremoniously on the ground in a painful thump. He cursed under his breath and stood up slowly, his legs still wobbly from the sudden hyperspace warp.
A thick scent of alcohol hit him in the face and nearly knocked him down again. He somehow managed to regain his balance and stared at his surrounding environment. It was a forest, but everything was blown up like someone had jacked up this place with plant steroids. Each flower hung down like its own petals were too heavy for its thick stems.
The strangest sight, however, was the big-ass caterpillar that was in front of Michael. It was laying across a giant daisy, cradling a beer bottle and examining an Xbox controller. When it took a swig of beer, it burped out bubbles that burst in Michael's face, emitting the concentrated scent of a bar during St. Patrick's Day. Michael was too scared to consider what would happen if the air were to come from the opposite end.
"Did you need anything?" the caterpillar asked lazily, rolling its head slowly towards Michael.
Michael jumped at the sound of the caterpillar's voice. Not really because it was talking, but because it sounded awfully familiar. "Geoff?"
"Who?" the bug asked, eyeing at Michael suspiciously. "Never heard of him. Never seen you before either."
"But you sound exactly like him!" protested Michael.
The caterpillar rolled his eyes, "I sound like a lot of people as long as you want to hear them."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"How about you shut up and tell me what you want. This beer isn't going to finish itself."
Michael could tell from its irritated yet authoritative voice that it was pointless to argue. Instead, he explained his entire adventure to this point, from waking up with a dress on to falling through the void. "How do I get out of here?"
The caterpillar was laughing, tears coming to its eyes. "You tried chasing the rabbit? Why in the hell did you decide to do that?"
"I don't know! It woke me up and I just went after it! Are you going to help me or what?"
The caterpillar calmed down and pointed to his right, "The rabbit went that way."
"Wait, but that's not what I wanted!" Michael pointed out. "I wanted to get back to where I was before."
"Do you?" the caterpillar asked.
Before Michael could respond, it tossed him the Xbox controller, "By the way, get this to the Cat for me. I'm too busy to do it myself."
With a final swig of beer, the caterpillar disappeared. Michael gripped the controller, a piece of reality that felt comfortable in his hands. He headed towards the rabbit's supposed location, eager to find a way home.
><><
After what felt like hours hiking through the giant forest and praying there weren't any more giant bugs around, Michael finally stumbled on evidence of civilization. A small wooden sign in the fork of a road. One arrow pointed left towards "Ice Caverns." The other pointed forward towards "Mad Hatter's Party." Since parties always sound better than caverns, Michael continued forward on his trek.
It didn't take long to stumble on the party, though it wasn't much; he felt overdressed for the occasion. Four figures were seated around a table, hunched over on the slightly rotting wood. It was set with a variety of pizzas and sources of caffeine. One sat before a giant hat which Michael could safely assume is the "Mad Hatter." The other three were a mouse, a brown rabbit, and the goddamn white rabbit he's been chasing all day. "There you are!" he exclaimed, reaching for the rabbit's green scarf.
In a fright, everyone scrambled awake. The white rabbit, being the quickest, hid underneath the giant top hat before Michael could get it. The "Mad Hatter" woke up with a loud yawn and placed the hat on his head. With a chuckle, he reached underneath and pulled out the rabbit, setting it on the table. "You can't stay there, buddy."
"But he's going to kill me!" it protested, pointing at Michael.
"You idiot. I'm not going to kill you," Michael clarified.
"W-what? 's someone going to kill Gavin?" the mouse murmured, half-awake. It rubbed its eyes and smoothed out its red fur.
"Wait, your name's actually Gavin?" Michael asked the white rabbit.
"Of course it is!"
"Gavin Free?"
"I wouldn't say he's exactly free," the top hatted one commented.
"No one's actually free here," the brown rabbit added.
"Maybe not free, but I am Lindsay!" the mouse exclaimed in a sudden burst of energy, giggling at her own rhyme.
The Mad Hatter chuckled and poured everyone what appeared to be a cup of coffee, including Michael. He gestured for everyone to take a seat. Michael, not wanting to be rude and still completely confused, sat down in one of the available chairs. The white rabbit cautiously scooted away from him. Everyone else drank their coffee in unison, erupting in excited murmurs about the quality of the drink. Michael took a tentative sip and nearly spat it out. It tasted like battery acid splooge.
Michael pushed his cup away from him, "Who the fuck are you guys?"
"I'm the Mad Hatter," the other man replied, stirring his coffee with what appeared to be a mini Tower of Pimps. "Though some people just call me Jack. You know Gavin already. That's Lindsay and Caleb." He pointed to the mouse and the brown rabbit respectively.
"Who are you?" Caleb asked, stirring his drink with his finger.
"I'm Michael."
"And why were you trying to kill Gavin?" asked Lindsay.
"I'm not trying to kill him! He woke me up, and I followed him, that's it! I'm just trying to get back."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" Jack replied zealously. "If you go a bit further, the Mad King could help you get home!"
"Are you sure? King Ryan is a bit...on edge," Caleb reminded the top hatted man.
"He'll get over it. Besides, it's not like it was Michael's fault," Jack remarked. He pointed to his right, "Just go that way and you'll see the castle. They'll help you there."
Michael thanked the hatter and got up to leave, "Oh, before I go. Do you know where I can find the Cat? The Caterpillar told me to give him something."
The group at the table shrugged. "He appears whenever and where ever he wants," explained Caleb. "Maybe you'll bump into him. Maybe not."
"Oh, well, thanks anyway."
"Good luck," Gavin piped up weakly, hiding in the back.
"See you soon," Lindsay remarked.
Michael smiled and waved goodbye to the group before heading closer towards his goal, leaving their chatters behind.
><><
As Michael walked through the seemingly infinite forest, the trees seemed to shrink down to its normal size which eased his fears but not his aching feet. He regretted not sitting at the Mad Hatter's, er, Jack's table, longer to rest. Then again, he didn't want to spend any longer in this weird place than necessary.
The familiar names and voices were creeping him out. Jack, Lindsay, Caleb, Gavin and his scarf. The Tower of Pimps. This can't be a coincidence. Michael wasn't sure where he was transported to, but where ever he was, he knew he needed to get out and back to reality.
The forest trail he had been following slowly grew less and less pronounced. Soon enough, he was walking on completely untrodden ground, his feet the first steps in this uncharted territory. A thick fog was filling the forest and he could feel his heartbeat racing faster. A chill ran down his back. A pair of eyes stared at him in the fog.
"Holy shit!" yelled Michael as he jumped what seemed like fifty feet in the air. He could have sworn his heart stopped for several seconds.
"Oh shit, sorry man," a voice apologized.
"Jesus what the fuck is this place?" Michael asked under his breath, still panting from the jump scare.
A paw handed him a handkerchief, "I don't know if this'll help, but here."
Michael took the cloth and wiped his face with it. It was monogrammed with a rose that seemed to blossom before his eyes. Freaked out, he quickly handed back the cloth to the stranger, "Thanks."
A cat materialized in the air front of him to take it back, "No problem. Good cat Ray doesn't leave someone he scared half to death in the middle of the Forest of Kingdoms."
"Ray?"
"Yeah, short for Ray-ose. Or something like that anyway. I heard Geoff gave you my controller."
"Geoff?" Michael thought for a moment, "Oh shit, that caterpillar? I knew he was Geoff!"
"Ha, did he tell you that he was anybody you wanted to sound like? Yeah, he got me the first time too. Anyway, you got that controller on you?"
"Yeah, here." Michael handed the cat the controller he had been holding onto like a lifeline the entire time.
"Awesome!" The cat twirled in the air, admiring his new item. "Finally! Now I can go get some achievements!"
“Typical Ray,” thought Michael before realizing that he was referring to a cat.
"Hey, you wanna help me with something?" Ray asked, snapping Michael back into reality, well, this reality.
"I guess, though I need to go to the castle so I can get back," Michael explained.
"That's fine. It's on the way. Come on, follow me."
The floating cat led Michael through the fog and into a giant clearing. As they walked along, Michael could spot a house in the distance. It wasn't much, just a rectangle made of dirt, but it was a strangely comforting sight. After all, houses means civilization at the very least.
Finally, the cat stopped before the wooden door and knocked. Silence. With a grin, the cat phased through the door. Michael, being made of bones and muscles and substance, opted to open the door instead.
Inside were a few chests and a large painting that depicted a martial arts fight scene. In the corner was a glass case that housed a chicken who eyed them very suspiciously. Beside the chicken cage was a sign that Ray was busy writing on. Below them was more glass, except this one housed a cow. It mooed at the intruders, though Michael couldn't help but feel bad for it.
"Where are we?" he asked the cat who was still writing on the sign.
"We're at the site of liberation," Ray replied eagerly, revealing his handiwork. The sign now read, "Free Edgar 2013."
Michael stared at Ray in confusion, "What?" Who's Edgar?"
"You're standing over him," explained the cat, pointing at the floor. "He's been here for a while, and now's the time for his escape. We gotta be quick though while the guards are away."
"Who the fuck sends guards a locked cow?"
"Beats me. Anyway, help me out here."
"What can I do? You're a floating ghost cat! I'm just a human!"
The cat smiled sheepishly, "Well, I can't break the glass. Or anything really. I can't affect the environment around me. It's like I'm a glitch in the matrix or something."
Michael looked around the house, "How do you expect me to break the glass? There's nothing here!"
"There's a pickax in the chest over there," the cat pointed. "Don't worry, it's unlocked."
Michael sighed, trying to play off the strangeness of the situation, and went to retrieve the weapon. Pickax in hand, he aimed the sharp point at the glass and struck it as hard as possible. The glass shattered, raining down on the cow who is now going berserk. Ray floated down to the cow and seemed to be talking to it, leading it out of its cage. He motioned to Michael to create some steps for the cow and widen the entrance which Michael promptly did.
After several minutes of maneuvering and pushing the cow, it finally left the small room and walked off. Ray let out a victorious yell, "Yeah! Free Edgar 2013!"
Michael joined in, caught up with the cat's spirit, "Be free bitch! Don't come back!"
Ray grinned widely, "That was awesome! Thanks for helping."
"Hey, good guy Michael's gotta help out whenever he can," replied Michael.
The cat smiled even wider, "Come on, let's get you to the castle."
Before either one of them took another step, a thunderous called out both of their names, "Ray and Michael Jones. Report to the King's Court immediately for judgment."
"Shit," the cat cursed.
"Fuck," agreed Michael.
><><
To say today has not been going as planned is an understatement. First it started with waking up in a frilly dress and an annoying rabbit after an afternoon nap. Then winding up in some strange alternative universe where animals talk and forests change sizes and pockets appear on clothing. Then somehow ending up freeing a cow and being summoned to be tried for treason. This was not a good day for Michael Jones.
"Michael Jones has been charged with the highest treason there is for aiding in the escape of Edgar the Royal Cow. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Michael squinted at the bright light that was shining down on him. He stared in the face of who he presumed to be the owner of Edgar and the high king of this place: King Ryan. Because of course the one time when Michael chooses to help a ghost cat free a cow, it had to be the Mad King's special cow. "I'm sorry, your highness. I didn't know."
"Didn't know? You were found conspiring with the Chesh-Ray Cat, known for his vandalizing and radical support for Edgar's freedom. Because of your activities together, you will both be held in contempt of the kingdom, and therefore, executed at once."
"What? Wait, I just met him! I didn't know he was a criminal!"
"You didn't find it strange that he was a floating cat that disappears and appears at will?"
"After the day I've been having, no, your Highness. But he's been helping me and-"
"He is not who you think he is. The ghost you've been scheming with is no more than a petty criminal He has no place here in the Kingdom! He will be executed along with his accomplice, you!"
"Hang on! I've been here barely a day! You can't just kill me!"
"We've also received reports of your other offenses."
"What? What other offenses?"
The King smiled and ordered one of his servants to bring him something. Michael recognized the white rabbit handing the king a piece of paper, but the rabbit looked quickly away from the accused.
"I shall read off all of your despicable deeds, Michael Jones," the King began. "First off, trespassing into the Kingdom without a passport."
"But how was I suppo-"
"Silence!" the King boomed. "I will not allow any further interruptions, or you will be immediately executed! Do you understand?"
Michael stammered, "Y-yes, my liege."
"Very well. Continuing on the list. Your second offense, wearing clothes that clearly do not fit you in any aspect with failure to consult a tailor. Third, interrupting the Caterpillar as he enjoyed his afternoon beverage. Fourth, attending the Mad Hatter's party and rejecting his specialty coffee. Fifth, coming into contact with a known criminal and failing to report him directly to the Kingdom. Sixth, conspiring with said fugitive and releasing Edgar from his home. And finally, your last offense, failing to acknowledge what you truly wanted."
"What?"
"These are your offenses, Michael Jones. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"What do you mean by that last one? What I truly wanted?"
"Isn't it quite obvious? You committed it, surely you understand what you did."
"That doesn't make any sense! I want to go back and get out of here and this dress! And how was I supposed to consult a tailor if I didn't know where I was?"
"But don't you know where you are?" Another voice asked. With the scent of fermented grain, the Caterpillar, Geoff, appeared before Michael. "Don't you know where you are?"
"No, I don't! This is just some weird, fucked up place where crazy shit happens and animals talk and drink energy drinks and cats need Xbox controllers and cows are locked up and I just want to go back!"
"Where do you want to go back to?" the Caterpillar asked.
"Home!"
"To Texas?"
"Of course, where else?"
"Remember? You asked yourself, and I quote, 'What if it was time for me to get-"
"'-a real job.'" Michael finished.
The thought crossed his mind once in a while, especially now that he's engaged. Was Achievement Hunter enough for the future? Is this all he was going to do with his life, play video games with a bunch of other dudes in a cramped office, creating videos for thousands of strangers? It was fun, but was it enough?
"Of course it's enough," Michael murmured to himself.
It had to be. It was. Going to the office every day, seeing who was there already and talking to them before sitting down and editing. Hearing the occasional shout or laughter from one of the guys while working. Recording let's plays and striking up random conversations about all kinds of shit while murdering each other. Getting lunch and occasionally, if the weather's especially nice, going to "afternoon bevs and swimmy time" with Gavin. Finishing the day with some editing before leaving the room behind, sometimes with a few stragglers that still had work to do. Going home to his fiancée and enjoying a nice meal together.
"It is enough," Michael repeated, smiling.
The caterpillar took another swig of his bottle, "I'm glad you think that, Michael."
"But now is not the time for fuzzy character development," King Ryan boomed from his throne. "There are still six other offenses that have not been forgiven, including releasing Edgar from his home."
"Calm down Ryan," Geoff the caterpillar replied. "He didn't know what he was doing. And if he was, well, it's about that cow got some fresh air."
"Are you saying that you also wished for the cow to escape?" angrily accused the King.
"No, your majesty. I'm just saying that maybe you should've let that cow out sometimes. Let it roam freely and be a cow. No one deserves to be locked up, literally or metaphorically. Besides, your cow won't leave forever. Just wait and he'll come back eventually."
The King looked at the caterpillar suspiciously as if deciding whether or not to believe him. "Very well. I trust your judgement. I will drop that charge. But the other five-"
"-do not deserve death." Geoff finished. "Just let him go. He's not going to let another cow free any time soon."
King Ryan pondered this proposition and nodded, "Very well. Michael Jones. If you agree to not repeat your offenses that I have listed, then you are free to go back home."
"Thank you, your majesty. I won't do it again." Michael agreed, bowing.
"Now, since that is settled," the King pointed to the door, "leave my Court before I change my mind."
Michael thanked the King and ran out the door. Once outside, he breathed in a deep gulp of fresh air. The sun was setting, and he realized how long this day has been. He thought about the office where he came from, wondering if anyone was back now from where ever they disappeared to.
"I can take you back to the office, if you want," caterpillar Geoff offered, appearing beside him.
Michael looked at Geoff incredulously, "Seriously? This whole time you could have taken me home?"
"I could've, but you didn't know where you wanted to go," the caterpillar replied nonchalantly, opening another beer bottle.
"Then I want to go back to Texas and the Achievement Hunter office."
The caterpillar smirked, "Then wake up already idiot."
><><
Michael woke up in a start. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. How long was he out?
"Hey! He's alive!" Ray exclaimed nearby.
"Dammit, I wanted to wake him up," Gavin whined from another part of the room.
"Like hell I'd let you jump on me," Michael argued playfully. He sat up and found that Geoff looking at him, grinning and not a drunk caterpillar.
"We got a let's play to record, if you're up for it," Geoff explained.
"Sure, what are we playing?" Michael asked, happy to be back.
After sorting a mess of cables, waiting for everyone to return and settle in with drinks and snacks, and syncing up the equipment, the group began doing what they did best: hanging out, shooting each other, and having a great time.
This alone is more than enough for Michael Jones, Achievement Hunter.
Word count: 3932
Pairing: none
Summary: Our own Michael Jones stumbles into the rabbit hole and meets some strange counterparts, searching for a way back home.
It's not every day that Michael Jones wakes up to discover that he had been crossdressing in his sleep with a live rabbit on his stomach. "What the fuck?" were the first words out of his dry mouth.
It wasn't the dress that pissed him off; embarrassing himself in the office was a daily occurrence anyway. Rather, it was the irritating warm lump on top of his new outfit that woke him up from a particularly pleasant nap that made him angry. He tried to shift his position on the office couch to get the rabbit to move, with no avail. "Get off asshole," he insisted, though shouting abuse didn't seem to affect the animal.
The white rabbit seemed content where he was, sniffing at the soft blue cloth it laid on. Michael rubbed his eyes and re-examined the rabbit. Its soft white fur clashed with the bright green patterned scarf it wore that resembled the skin of a...Creeper.
"Gavin?" Michael asked the rabbit, ignoring the fact that he's now talking to animals. In a dress.
The rabbit looked up at him in surprise and hopped off, running out of the room in a hurry. Michael groaned and got up, still too sleep-logged to deal with this shit. He brushed off any invisible rabbit germs from his dress, making a note to change as soon as possible, and followed the rabbit out.
After a few more minutes of chasing, Michael was given the slip by the pesky rabbit. He wondered the halls, noticing the strange silence. The entire building seemed completely empty besides himself and the rabbit. Michael went to check the time on his phone, but discovered that the dress had no pockets. Of fucking course.
As Michael walked back to the Achievement Hunter office, he heard a crash coming from the room. He barged in and discovered the rabbit lying on the ground, surrounded by the fallen trinkets that usually occupied Gavin's desk. It was nursing its head like it was hurt which made Michael's annoyance with the animal cool down. As he approached it, however, the rabbit suddenly took off again. This time, it hopped on Gavin's chair, onto the desk, then into the computer monitor.
Michael stared at the blank screen for a full ten seconds before blinking again. "What. The. Fuck."
Before he could react any further, Michael was sucked into a vortex.
><><
The trip to where ever the Hell he was going was, well, trippy. Images flashed across his eyes with such speed he could barely make out the blur before it disappeared. He could have sworn he saw the rabbit at one point, but it was too hard to tell.
Just as suddenly as the journey began, it ended. Michael found himself dropped unceremoniously on the ground in a painful thump. He cursed under his breath and stood up slowly, his legs still wobbly from the sudden hyperspace warp.
A thick scent of alcohol hit him in the face and nearly knocked him down again. He somehow managed to regain his balance and stared at his surrounding environment. It was a forest, but everything was blown up like someone had jacked up this place with plant steroids. Each flower hung down like its own petals were too heavy for its thick stems.
The strangest sight, however, was the big-ass caterpillar that was in front of Michael. It was laying across a giant daisy, cradling a beer bottle and examining an Xbox controller. When it took a swig of beer, it burped out bubbles that burst in Michael's face, emitting the concentrated scent of a bar during St. Patrick's Day. Michael was too scared to consider what would happen if the air were to come from the opposite end.
"Did you need anything?" the caterpillar asked lazily, rolling its head slowly towards Michael.
Michael jumped at the sound of the caterpillar's voice. Not really because it was talking, but because it sounded awfully familiar. "Geoff?"
"Who?" the bug asked, eyeing at Michael suspiciously. "Never heard of him. Never seen you before either."
"But you sound exactly like him!" protested Michael.
The caterpillar rolled his eyes, "I sound like a lot of people as long as you want to hear them."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"How about you shut up and tell me what you want. This beer isn't going to finish itself."
Michael could tell from its irritated yet authoritative voice that it was pointless to argue. Instead, he explained his entire adventure to this point, from waking up with a dress on to falling through the void. "How do I get out of here?"
The caterpillar was laughing, tears coming to its eyes. "You tried chasing the rabbit? Why in the hell did you decide to do that?"
"I don't know! It woke me up and I just went after it! Are you going to help me or what?"
The caterpillar calmed down and pointed to his right, "The rabbit went that way."
"Wait, but that's not what I wanted!" Michael pointed out. "I wanted to get back to where I was before."
"Do you?" the caterpillar asked.
Before Michael could respond, it tossed him the Xbox controller, "By the way, get this to the Cat for me. I'm too busy to do it myself."
With a final swig of beer, the caterpillar disappeared. Michael gripped the controller, a piece of reality that felt comfortable in his hands. He headed towards the rabbit's supposed location, eager to find a way home.
><><
After what felt like hours hiking through the giant forest and praying there weren't any more giant bugs around, Michael finally stumbled on evidence of civilization. A small wooden sign in the fork of a road. One arrow pointed left towards "Ice Caverns." The other pointed forward towards "Mad Hatter's Party." Since parties always sound better than caverns, Michael continued forward on his trek.
It didn't take long to stumble on the party, though it wasn't much; he felt overdressed for the occasion. Four figures were seated around a table, hunched over on the slightly rotting wood. It was set with a variety of pizzas and sources of caffeine. One sat before a giant hat which Michael could safely assume is the "Mad Hatter." The other three were a mouse, a brown rabbit, and the goddamn white rabbit he's been chasing all day. "There you are!" he exclaimed, reaching for the rabbit's green scarf.
In a fright, everyone scrambled awake. The white rabbit, being the quickest, hid underneath the giant top hat before Michael could get it. The "Mad Hatter" woke up with a loud yawn and placed the hat on his head. With a chuckle, he reached underneath and pulled out the rabbit, setting it on the table. "You can't stay there, buddy."
"But he's going to kill me!" it protested, pointing at Michael.
"You idiot. I'm not going to kill you," Michael clarified.
"W-what? 's someone going to kill Gavin?" the mouse murmured, half-awake. It rubbed its eyes and smoothed out its red fur.
"Wait, your name's actually Gavin?" Michael asked the white rabbit.
"Of course it is!"
"Gavin Free?"
"I wouldn't say he's exactly free," the top hatted one commented.
"No one's actually free here," the brown rabbit added.
"Maybe not free, but I am Lindsay!" the mouse exclaimed in a sudden burst of energy, giggling at her own rhyme.
The Mad Hatter chuckled and poured everyone what appeared to be a cup of coffee, including Michael. He gestured for everyone to take a seat. Michael, not wanting to be rude and still completely confused, sat down in one of the available chairs. The white rabbit cautiously scooted away from him. Everyone else drank their coffee in unison, erupting in excited murmurs about the quality of the drink. Michael took a tentative sip and nearly spat it out. It tasted like battery acid splooge.
Michael pushed his cup away from him, "Who the fuck are you guys?"
"I'm the Mad Hatter," the other man replied, stirring his coffee with what appeared to be a mini Tower of Pimps. "Though some people just call me Jack. You know Gavin already. That's Lindsay and Caleb." He pointed to the mouse and the brown rabbit respectively.
"Who are you?" Caleb asked, stirring his drink with his finger.
"I'm Michael."
"And why were you trying to kill Gavin?" asked Lindsay.
"I'm not trying to kill him! He woke me up, and I followed him, that's it! I'm just trying to get back."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" Jack replied zealously. "If you go a bit further, the Mad King could help you get home!"
"Are you sure? King Ryan is a bit...on edge," Caleb reminded the top hatted man.
"He'll get over it. Besides, it's not like it was Michael's fault," Jack remarked. He pointed to his right, "Just go that way and you'll see the castle. They'll help you there."
Michael thanked the hatter and got up to leave, "Oh, before I go. Do you know where I can find the Cat? The Caterpillar told me to give him something."
The group at the table shrugged. "He appears whenever and where ever he wants," explained Caleb. "Maybe you'll bump into him. Maybe not."
"Oh, well, thanks anyway."
"Good luck," Gavin piped up weakly, hiding in the back.
"See you soon," Lindsay remarked.
Michael smiled and waved goodbye to the group before heading closer towards his goal, leaving their chatters behind.
><><
As Michael walked through the seemingly infinite forest, the trees seemed to shrink down to its normal size which eased his fears but not his aching feet. He regretted not sitting at the Mad Hatter's, er, Jack's table, longer to rest. Then again, he didn't want to spend any longer in this weird place than necessary.
The familiar names and voices were creeping him out. Jack, Lindsay, Caleb, Gavin and his scarf. The Tower of Pimps. This can't be a coincidence. Michael wasn't sure where he was transported to, but where ever he was, he knew he needed to get out and back to reality.
The forest trail he had been following slowly grew less and less pronounced. Soon enough, he was walking on completely untrodden ground, his feet the first steps in this uncharted territory. A thick fog was filling the forest and he could feel his heartbeat racing faster. A chill ran down his back. A pair of eyes stared at him in the fog.
"Holy shit!" yelled Michael as he jumped what seemed like fifty feet in the air. He could have sworn his heart stopped for several seconds.
"Oh shit, sorry man," a voice apologized.
"Jesus what the fuck is this place?" Michael asked under his breath, still panting from the jump scare.
A paw handed him a handkerchief, "I don't know if this'll help, but here."
Michael took the cloth and wiped his face with it. It was monogrammed with a rose that seemed to blossom before his eyes. Freaked out, he quickly handed back the cloth to the stranger, "Thanks."
A cat materialized in the air front of him to take it back, "No problem. Good cat Ray doesn't leave someone he scared half to death in the middle of the Forest of Kingdoms."
"Ray?"
"Yeah, short for Ray-ose. Or something like that anyway. I heard Geoff gave you my controller."
"Geoff?" Michael thought for a moment, "Oh shit, that caterpillar? I knew he was Geoff!"
"Ha, did he tell you that he was anybody you wanted to sound like? Yeah, he got me the first time too. Anyway, you got that controller on you?"
"Yeah, here." Michael handed the cat the controller he had been holding onto like a lifeline the entire time.
"Awesome!" The cat twirled in the air, admiring his new item. "Finally! Now I can go get some achievements!"
“Typical Ray,” thought Michael before realizing that he was referring to a cat.
"Hey, you wanna help me with something?" Ray asked, snapping Michael back into reality, well, this reality.
"I guess, though I need to go to the castle so I can get back," Michael explained.
"That's fine. It's on the way. Come on, follow me."
The floating cat led Michael through the fog and into a giant clearing. As they walked along, Michael could spot a house in the distance. It wasn't much, just a rectangle made of dirt, but it was a strangely comforting sight. After all, houses means civilization at the very least.
Finally, the cat stopped before the wooden door and knocked. Silence. With a grin, the cat phased through the door. Michael, being made of bones and muscles and substance, opted to open the door instead.
Inside were a few chests and a large painting that depicted a martial arts fight scene. In the corner was a glass case that housed a chicken who eyed them very suspiciously. Beside the chicken cage was a sign that Ray was busy writing on. Below them was more glass, except this one housed a cow. It mooed at the intruders, though Michael couldn't help but feel bad for it.
"Where are we?" he asked the cat who was still writing on the sign.
"We're at the site of liberation," Ray replied eagerly, revealing his handiwork. The sign now read, "Free Edgar 2013."
Michael stared at Ray in confusion, "What?" Who's Edgar?"
"You're standing over him," explained the cat, pointing at the floor. "He's been here for a while, and now's the time for his escape. We gotta be quick though while the guards are away."
"Who the fuck sends guards a locked cow?"
"Beats me. Anyway, help me out here."
"What can I do? You're a floating ghost cat! I'm just a human!"
The cat smiled sheepishly, "Well, I can't break the glass. Or anything really. I can't affect the environment around me. It's like I'm a glitch in the matrix or something."
Michael looked around the house, "How do you expect me to break the glass? There's nothing here!"
"There's a pickax in the chest over there," the cat pointed. "Don't worry, it's unlocked."
Michael sighed, trying to play off the strangeness of the situation, and went to retrieve the weapon. Pickax in hand, he aimed the sharp point at the glass and struck it as hard as possible. The glass shattered, raining down on the cow who is now going berserk. Ray floated down to the cow and seemed to be talking to it, leading it out of its cage. He motioned to Michael to create some steps for the cow and widen the entrance which Michael promptly did.
After several minutes of maneuvering and pushing the cow, it finally left the small room and walked off. Ray let out a victorious yell, "Yeah! Free Edgar 2013!"
Michael joined in, caught up with the cat's spirit, "Be free bitch! Don't come back!"
Ray grinned widely, "That was awesome! Thanks for helping."
"Hey, good guy Michael's gotta help out whenever he can," replied Michael.
The cat smiled even wider, "Come on, let's get you to the castle."
Before either one of them took another step, a thunderous called out both of their names, "Ray and Michael Jones. Report to the King's Court immediately for judgment."
"Shit," the cat cursed.
"Fuck," agreed Michael.
><><
To say today has not been going as planned is an understatement. First it started with waking up in a frilly dress and an annoying rabbit after an afternoon nap. Then winding up in some strange alternative universe where animals talk and forests change sizes and pockets appear on clothing. Then somehow ending up freeing a cow and being summoned to be tried for treason. This was not a good day for Michael Jones.
"Michael Jones has been charged with the highest treason there is for aiding in the escape of Edgar the Royal Cow. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Michael squinted at the bright light that was shining down on him. He stared in the face of who he presumed to be the owner of Edgar and the high king of this place: King Ryan. Because of course the one time when Michael chooses to help a ghost cat free a cow, it had to be the Mad King's special cow. "I'm sorry, your highness. I didn't know."
"Didn't know? You were found conspiring with the Chesh-Ray Cat, known for his vandalizing and radical support for Edgar's freedom. Because of your activities together, you will both be held in contempt of the kingdom, and therefore, executed at once."
"What? Wait, I just met him! I didn't know he was a criminal!"
"You didn't find it strange that he was a floating cat that disappears and appears at will?"
"After the day I've been having, no, your Highness. But he's been helping me and-"
"He is not who you think he is. The ghost you've been scheming with is no more than a petty criminal He has no place here in the Kingdom! He will be executed along with his accomplice, you!"
"Hang on! I've been here barely a day! You can't just kill me!"
"We've also received reports of your other offenses."
"What? What other offenses?"
The King smiled and ordered one of his servants to bring him something. Michael recognized the white rabbit handing the king a piece of paper, but the rabbit looked quickly away from the accused.
"I shall read off all of your despicable deeds, Michael Jones," the King began. "First off, trespassing into the Kingdom without a passport."
"But how was I suppo-"
"Silence!" the King boomed. "I will not allow any further interruptions, or you will be immediately executed! Do you understand?"
Michael stammered, "Y-yes, my liege."
"Very well. Continuing on the list. Your second offense, wearing clothes that clearly do not fit you in any aspect with failure to consult a tailor. Third, interrupting the Caterpillar as he enjoyed his afternoon beverage. Fourth, attending the Mad Hatter's party and rejecting his specialty coffee. Fifth, coming into contact with a known criminal and failing to report him directly to the Kingdom. Sixth, conspiring with said fugitive and releasing Edgar from his home. And finally, your last offense, failing to acknowledge what you truly wanted."
"What?"
"These are your offenses, Michael Jones. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"What do you mean by that last one? What I truly wanted?"
"Isn't it quite obvious? You committed it, surely you understand what you did."
"That doesn't make any sense! I want to go back and get out of here and this dress! And how was I supposed to consult a tailor if I didn't know where I was?"
"But don't you know where you are?" Another voice asked. With the scent of fermented grain, the Caterpillar, Geoff, appeared before Michael. "Don't you know where you are?"
"No, I don't! This is just some weird, fucked up place where crazy shit happens and animals talk and drink energy drinks and cats need Xbox controllers and cows are locked up and I just want to go back!"
"Where do you want to go back to?" the Caterpillar asked.
"Home!"
"To Texas?"
"Of course, where else?"
"Remember? You asked yourself, and I quote, 'What if it was time for me to get-"
"'-a real job.'" Michael finished.
The thought crossed his mind once in a while, especially now that he's engaged. Was Achievement Hunter enough for the future? Is this all he was going to do with his life, play video games with a bunch of other dudes in a cramped office, creating videos for thousands of strangers? It was fun, but was it enough?
"Of course it's enough," Michael murmured to himself.
It had to be. It was. Going to the office every day, seeing who was there already and talking to them before sitting down and editing. Hearing the occasional shout or laughter from one of the guys while working. Recording let's plays and striking up random conversations about all kinds of shit while murdering each other. Getting lunch and occasionally, if the weather's especially nice, going to "afternoon bevs and swimmy time" with Gavin. Finishing the day with some editing before leaving the room behind, sometimes with a few stragglers that still had work to do. Going home to his fiancée and enjoying a nice meal together.
"It is enough," Michael repeated, smiling.
The caterpillar took another swig of his bottle, "I'm glad you think that, Michael."
"But now is not the time for fuzzy character development," King Ryan boomed from his throne. "There are still six other offenses that have not been forgiven, including releasing Edgar from his home."
"Calm down Ryan," Geoff the caterpillar replied. "He didn't know what he was doing. And if he was, well, it's about that cow got some fresh air."
"Are you saying that you also wished for the cow to escape?" angrily accused the King.
"No, your majesty. I'm just saying that maybe you should've let that cow out sometimes. Let it roam freely and be a cow. No one deserves to be locked up, literally or metaphorically. Besides, your cow won't leave forever. Just wait and he'll come back eventually."
The King looked at the caterpillar suspiciously as if deciding whether or not to believe him. "Very well. I trust your judgement. I will drop that charge. But the other five-"
"-do not deserve death." Geoff finished. "Just let him go. He's not going to let another cow free any time soon."
King Ryan pondered this proposition and nodded, "Very well. Michael Jones. If you agree to not repeat your offenses that I have listed, then you are free to go back home."
"Thank you, your majesty. I won't do it again." Michael agreed, bowing.
"Now, since that is settled," the King pointed to the door, "leave my Court before I change my mind."
Michael thanked the King and ran out the door. Once outside, he breathed in a deep gulp of fresh air. The sun was setting, and he realized how long this day has been. He thought about the office where he came from, wondering if anyone was back now from where ever they disappeared to.
"I can take you back to the office, if you want," caterpillar Geoff offered, appearing beside him.
Michael looked at Geoff incredulously, "Seriously? This whole time you could have taken me home?"
"I could've, but you didn't know where you wanted to go," the caterpillar replied nonchalantly, opening another beer bottle.
"Then I want to go back to Texas and the Achievement Hunter office."
The caterpillar smirked, "Then wake up already idiot."
><><
Michael woke up in a start. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. How long was he out?
"Hey! He's alive!" Ray exclaimed nearby.
"Dammit, I wanted to wake him up," Gavin whined from another part of the room.
"Like hell I'd let you jump on me," Michael argued playfully. He sat up and found that Geoff looking at him, grinning and not a drunk caterpillar.
"We got a let's play to record, if you're up for it," Geoff explained.
"Sure, what are we playing?" Michael asked, happy to be back.
After sorting a mess of cables, waiting for everyone to return and settle in with drinks and snacks, and syncing up the equipment, the group began doing what they did best: hanging out, shooting each other, and having a great time.
This alone is more than enough for Michael Jones, Achievement Hunter.