BSG: Coping - A LA/SA fic
TITLE: Coping
Pairing: Lee Adama/Sam Anders
Rating: light R
WARNINGS: Sexual frustration and a bit of teasing… but that’s more on the reader’s part.
Word Count: ~4500
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything in the Battlestar Galactica universe. I don’t make any monies from this.
A/N: Set during season three in the episode titled “The Son Also Rises”. I lifted the first and last scenes directly from this episode. The original dialogue from this episode is bolded. I just added in what I thought the characters were thinking.
For nursedarry: I’m sorry it’s late, but I hope you like it. :) I truly enjoyed writing in this fandom. I hope to do it again.
Kara was gone.
He had seen it with his own eyes and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move past it. It’s just a picture, a stellar tombstone next to Kat’s image saying that Kara Thrace had died, but he couldn’t let it go.
There had been so many others who had gone before, people who were more compassionate, more loving, and truly good. He was able to move past those deaths and continue his job. Why was he having so many problems moving past hers? It was just a godsdamn picture! He had to let it go… he had to let her go.
As Lee Adama stood in front of the wall of remembrance, picture in hand, trying to put Kara Thrace’s picture up on the makeshift memorial, he is lurched out of his thoughts by the sound of Racetrack calling him over to the hanger.
“Major?” Her strained voice called.
“Yeah.” He replies as he puts the picture away. He’d have to say good-bye to Kara some other time.
As he neared the hanger he could see a group of people milling about and then he could hear that voice laughing and calling out from inside. It had to be Sam Anders.
Sam had been drinking non-stop for the better part of three days. For the first two days, everyone had left him alone; they knew how hard these things could be. They’d each gone through it before. But here he was standing, almost blind drunk, on the Viper tossing a coin in the air, swaying, and dangerously close to falling off. As much as he hated to do it, Lee knew that he had to get Sam down from there so that the others could get back to work.
“Heads! Did you see that? My girl’s too lucky to check-out.” Sam looked down at the coin. Lee suspected that the man couldn’t properly see it. It broke his heart to see him hurting, broken. Hell, if he’d just admit it, he knew they were both broken from this.
As Lee made his way up the Viper, he called out to try and not startle the other man.
“Hey, Sam”
“Lee … giggle… Apollo.” Sam wouldn’t look him in the face and kept staring at the coin.
Damn it, Sam. Don’t do this to me, Lee thought. I don’t have the strength to get us both through this.
“You stay there, buddy. You’re flying,” Lee says, as he puts his hands on both of Sam’s arms too try to balance him. ”Let’s just get down and get some sleep. Come on.”
Sam turns and starts to sit on the ship.
“I’m fine, I’m gonna sit down. Ow!” His coordination was off as he dropped the last two feet to sit on top of the Viper.
“You alright?” Lee says as he crouches down.
“It wasn’t supposed…. It was …” Sam mumbles as he begins weeping.
“Come on.” Lee gently tries to grab his arm.
“No, I gotta go.” Sam turns to move and instead slips off the Viper and crumples to the ground.
“Frak! Is he ok?” Lee shouts as he quickly scrambled down the other side of the Viper. Something inside of him jerked when he saw Sam fall off like that.
“Ah, I think I fell…” Sam mumbles as he tries to sit up.
“Sam… Sam”
“She’s still alive, right?” Sam’s hopeful eyes finally look into Lee’s face hoping somehow that it wasn’t true.
“She’s gone, Sam. She’s gone,” As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Lee felt a huge load lift off his shoulders. Somehow saying the words out loud, outside the frantic rush of being in the Viper made it finally ring true in his ears.
“I know,” Sam mumbles as he begins to cry again.
---------------------------------------------------
“How’s he doing, Doc?” Lee whispers as he comes into sickbay and makes his way over to Dr. Cottle.
“He’s lucky he didn’t break his frakin’ neck. He’s just got a sprained ankle. He’ll be up and about in a couple of days. I want to keep him here until I know he’s sobered up and won’t do anything stupid again,” Cottle says as a cigarette dangles precariously between his lips. It’s subtle shakes fleck ash all over as he motions to the bed where Sam is sleeping.
“Mind if I go look in on him?” Lee asks as he turns to watch Sam sleeping. Something about the vulnerability of watching the other man sleep, probably for the first time in days, pulls at Lee’s heart. Some part of him wants to wrap Sam up in his arms and tell him that it’s going to be all right. Some how, they’ll get through this together.
“Help yourself,” Cottle gruffly muttered as he used his current cigarette to light another one. He walked away to attend another patient leaving Lee standing there alone.
Lee silently walks over to sit at the provided chair by Sam’s bed. The sickbay’s area was eerily quiet as he sat there watching Sam sleep. He liked the quiet. It gave him time to think and try to collect his thoughts. Being around other people made him insecure and feel like he was out of control. He didn’t like feeling that way. Being in the quiet, alone and numb, suited him just fine.
As he stared out into space, his mind once again returned to Kara’s last words telling him it was alright to let her go. When he closed his eyes he could see it again and again as her ship exploded, scattering all directions into space. He wanted to go back and some how stop that moment, stop them from getting into the Vipers, stop them from getting on the Galactica, stop the Cylons from attacking the twelve colonies. This last death had been too much even for him.
Feeling the weight of the moment weigh him down again, Lee laid his head down on the bed’s edge as he began to silently weep. It was the first time he’d had let his emotions go since he’d come back from that fated mission. He could feel the tears just coming and he didn’t know if they would ever stop. To be honest, he didn’t know if he wanted them to. His hands were on either side of his head gripping the soft, white blankets and the bed beneath it. His shoulders were shaking and his nose was running from the release. It felt liberating to let himself go.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he felt fingers card through his hair. The sudden touch startled him. It was the first time anyone had touched him since Kara had died. It was then that he remembered that he wasn’t alone. Lee bolted his head up, looking as the hand was drawn away from him, and saw Sam lower his hand back to his stomach. Sam’s face showed concern and sadness as he watched Lee. He lifted his hand again and very slowly moved it to Lee’s face. He cupped Lee’s check in his hand, and tenderly brushed a tear away with his thumb before he brought it back down to his side.
“Are you alright?” Sam asked. His voice was rough and gentle. His eyebrows were creased together as he stared into Lee’s eyes, not allowing the other man to look away. The concern in his voice caused Lee’s stomach to tighten. He suddenly felt awkward and a little nervous. He had come here to see if he could provide comfort to Sam, but instead found Sam trying to console him. The situation had changed from how he’d envisioned it when he came into the area.
Lee had come here to see how Sam was doing or at least lend him a listening ear, but instead found himself the vulnerable one. He swallowed the lump that had found itself in his throat and slowly licked his lips trying to think about what he was going to say. He wanted to be careful what he said or else he’d open his mouth and find he couldn’t stop babbling. He watched as Sam’s eyes shifted and began watching his tongue move across his lips. As Sam’s eyes watched the movement, Lee could see his face soften with a look of longing. The intensity in those eyes, though, remained the same.
“Um, yeah, I’m alright, I guess. You know, it’s been kind of rough these past few days. I guess it’s just a matter of taking it one day at a time, isn’t it?” Lee said as looked down at his hands. He noticed he still had the blanket tightly clinched in his grips. He let go of the blanket, but kept his hands on the bed as he tried to look at ease. He tried desperately to think of something to change the subject.
“So, I came by to check on how you were doing before I go play babysitter to Baltar’s new attorney. I ran into Doc Cottle who tells me that you sprained your ankle. That’s not too bad, I guess and before you know it, you’ll be back on your feet soon.” Lee was fidgeting as he began to wring his hands together.
“Yeah, that’s much better than the way he told it to me. He said I was lucky I hadn’t broken my godsdamn neck,” Sam laughed as he looked down at his own hands. The silence between the two men was awkward. What they once had in common was gone now, and even then the tension between them was intense. Lee had always suspected it was due to the ongoing rivalry between them for Kara’s affection, but now he wondered if it was something else.
In the quiet, they would briefly look at each other before making eye contact and looking away. There had always been some sort of energy or tension between them. It was still there, but somehow it felt different, more personal and intimate.
After a few minutes, Sam took a long breath and continued, “Hey, I wanted to say thanks for, you know, back there in the hanger. I was drunk and acting stupid. I know you were trying to help me and all. And I… I should have taken it somewhere else, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Lee sighed.
Kara was more than a woman that they had loved. She was a force of nature that had entered their lives and swept them up within her turbulent storm. Now that she was gone, it felt like they had some how been cast out of a vortex, left to drift alone, and make their way through space again.
He never thought that anybody truly understood Kara Thrace. She was dynamic, hard, tender, sarcastic, tough and gentle. But if anyone could have gotten near enough to understand and love her, it was Sam and himself.
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to go into the pilot ready rooms, that’s where I see her the most. I hear her making smart cracks from the seats. She had such a mouth on her. Some of the things that she said, it was hard to remember that she was still a woman,” Lee chuckled.
“Yeah, she had a mouth on her alright. It got her into so much trouble. Sometimes when we would fight, I just wanted to wrap my hands around her mouth just to shut her up. Just a moment, to have my say before she went off again.” Sam replied as he shook his head with a slight smile.
“I did that one time, you know, grabbed her face to shut her up. We were arguing about something, I can’t remember what now, and I just needed her to stop talking. I just needed a moment of silence before she threw the first punch.” Lee looked off as he remembered the moment back on New Caprica. They had both been running high on adrenaline and sexual tension. He was getting tired of arguing with her.
“You did? What did she do? Did she bite you?” Sam asked sitting up and taking a keen interest in the direction of the conversation. His reply brought Lee back to the moment.
“Nah,” Lee said, his voice now quiet, “She licked me. It startled me at first. I figured she was going to sink those teeth into me, but she grabbed my hand and began to suck on my fingers.” The memories of what happened afterwards caused Lee’s cock to take notice. When Kara had taken his fingers into his mouth, the soft, warm wetness of her tongue had caused his cock to immediately harden. Even now, Lee had to shift in his chair as he recalled the way her lips felt as they moved down each digit, one at a time.
“Hey, come sit up here on the bed. I know how uncomfortable those chairs are,” Sam said, jolting Lee back to the present. “I don’t think they want visitors around here for long,” he continued, moving over, careful of his leg, and patted the bed next to him until Lee got up and sat down next to him.
“Yeah, I never met a woman as talented as she was. She could do things with her tongue and lips that I didn’t think were possible. You know what I mean? If I didn’t know better, I would swear she had been a man once, the way she knew how to drive me insane,” Sam smiled as he stared at Lee. The way his blue eyes narrowed as he stared Lee, almost as if he were a succulent steak. The fire and intensity in those eyes made the other man uneasy.
“What do you mean?” Lee asked. His own mind lost in the memories of times he had had sex with Kara. He desperately wanted to press the palm of his hand against his erection to ease the throbbing. Every shift of his body caused the head of his cock to rub against the cotton pants. He was beginning to soak through his briefs and knew it’d seep into his black dress trousers if he didn’t calm down or take care of this soon.
“You know how it is. Girls usually give head different than guys do. When a girl gives head, it’s usually too much teeth and not enough throat and tongue. They don’t know how to set a decent rhythm and then they’re afraid of gagging or worrying about if they’re going to have to swallow. Kara was different. I don’t even know if she ever had a gag reflex. Once she started on giving a guy head, she made sure she’d do whatever it took to see him come hard,” Sam continued as he rubbed his hand over his body. Lee thought he was going to start stroking himself, but then his hand shifted at the last second and he ended up gripping his thigh instead. Lee couldn’t look away and could see the beginning signs of a growing bulge that he didn’t think was there before. His cock pulsed up in response.
Lee briefly imagined rubbing his hard cock against Sam’s, both of them naked and panting, as his hand wrapped around both of them, bringing them together. His empty hand clenched against the bed sheet as he imagined feeling the warm, velvet skin against his calloused fingers. He had to close his eyes and try to clear his dirty thoughts from making him unzip right there in the sickbay. Sam’s baritone voice was still talking and Lee knew he needed to pay attention, even if the topic of conversation wasn’t helping matters any.
“Then there was this one time when we were in the duty lockers, she had just finished giving a lecture to the Nuggets. I thought she’d be thirsty, so I waited for her before heading to Joe’s Bar. Well, she was thirsty, alright, but not from the distiller. I think the frakin’ toasters could have walked into the room that day and I wouldn’t have noticed. You know what I mean?” Sam said, no longer making eye contact with Lee, but looking straight up at the ceiling. Lee watched as Sam’s Adam’s apple moved up and down his throat. The movements along that tawny neck made him lick his lips with desire.
All this talk of blowjobs and sex was starting to affect him. Sitting here next to Sam was making him harder than he imagined. He had often thought the man was rather attractive and wondered what it would be like to have sex with him. He knew Sam had to be a decent lover if Kara had married him. Sometimes he wished his own marriage had been brought together with that in mind.
It had been awhile since he and Dee had done anything sexual. When they were in the room together, they shared moments of either icy silence or heated, nasty barbs.
Sitting here reminiscing with Sam, thinking about all the times Kara and he had had sex all the stolen moments fucking fast and hard in the raptors, was bringing his own sexual desires back to the forefront. He needed to make his excuses to Sam, go back to his quarters and jerk off. He turned to tell Sam that he’d better go check in with Baltar’s lawyer when he saw a slight movement out of the corner of his eye.
The hospital blankets were thin, hardly blankets at all, and they left little to the imagination of anyone coming into see a visitor. Sam’s broken leg had been elevated, which helped hide the bulge some, but he could see that Sam was bigger than average. Much bigger.
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Lee replied. He’d had this kind of conversation before with his brother, long ago. He’d felt guilty because he and Kara had been having sex behind Zak’s back. Back then, he was overly cautious because he didn’t want to slip up and have his brother find out about their affair. This time was different, though. This time, in addition to thinking about Kara, Lee found himself thinking about Sam as well. He had long admired the former jock’s good looks and well defined body, but he hadn’t said anything, in case the other man wasn’t interested. Hearing the other man continually refer to Kara giving head like a man made him think otherwise.
“I see I’m not the only one being affected by this conversation,” Lee smirked as he motioned to Sam’s growing erection.
Sam blushed as his hand came down to try to adjust the material there. His fingers curved slightly around his cock as he briefly closed his eyes at the contact. “Yeah, it’s been awhile. I guess all this talk has gotten to me. That woman could give great head when she wanted to.” At those last words, Lee could see Sam’s cock twitch a little. It was hypnotic to watch the other man’s cock move like that. Before he could stop himself, Lee’s own hand came down to his own groin and pushed down hard to keep it from straining against the fabric of his pants.
“Yeah, my leg propped up helps conceal it, but you know how it is. Kara liked her men big, so it’s hard not to be noticed,” Sam sighed as he lightly stroked his fingers over his cock again. His boldness shocked some of Lee’s more conservative morals. “You don’t mind do you? It’s not like I can get out of this bed and go to the duty lockers to take care of myself.” Sam smiled as Lee saw him bring his hand under the blanket. It’s target was quite clear as he could see Sam’s knuckles bulging under the blanket, the slow motion up and down that cock made Lee bite his lip as his mouth began to water. If he stayed much longer, Lee would want to open his own fly, shoving his hand into his briefs and begin jerking off in a mirroring motion.
“Well, then, I guess I better get going,” Lee said, he was still staring at Sam’s cock, watching as the other man continued to stroke himself.
“You don’t understand, Lee. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. Maybe we can help each other out here,” Sam said as he wrapped the fingers to his other hand around Lee’s wrist to keep him seated on the bed. “Why don’t you close the curtains and come lay down beside me. Maybe we can reminiscence so more about and help each other out.” Sam released his wrist and began to move over his thigh. Lee watched as thick fingers crawled quickly up to his leg, moving in between his legs as Sam’s palm softly brushed along the outside of his erection. Sharply drawing in breath, he gave a small thrust as his eyes closed from such an intense, personal contact right where everyone could see them.
Sam’s hand was warm and his fingers were strong, as Lee’s gaze watched Sam move both hands, each one stroking a cock with the same rhythm. He felt like he was under a spell as he silently nodded and got up to close the curtains around them.
After he made sure nobody could look in, Lee turned back to see that Sam had pulled back the blanket. He had shoved his sickbay pants down to his mid-thighs and opened his shirt. His fingers were lightly stroking his rather large cock as his hooded eyes watch Lee move about the room.
Lying, unashamed and mostly naked on the sickbay bed, Sam looked beautiful. Lee breathed in a great gulp of air as he stood and stared.
“Take off your clothes, Lee, I want to see you naked,” Sam whispered. His voice was breathy and it hitched as he twisted his palm on the upstroke around the head of his cock.
Lee couldn’t believe he had found himself in this situation. Without any hesitation, he began unbuttoning and then removing each piece of his uniform until he was standing naked before Sam. The sickbay was a bit cool and he felt his nipples harden, while his own cock began to refill with blood, lengthening out.
He walked across the small space and lay under the covers next to Sam. Even though the blanket was thin, Sam was warm, and Lee could feel his body heat against his slightly sweaty skin. It felt good to lay naked next to another man again. He could feel Sam starting to turn and wrap himself over Lee, but then jerked back making a painful hissing sound.
“Fraking leg,” he muttered as he rolled onto his back. He was panting and Lee could see the sudden flush in his face and chest begin to fade away. “I guess this wasn’t a great idea, after all,” he chuckled as he looked away from Lee.
Lee could hear the sudden uncertainty in Sam’s voice and actions as he realized that he probably wasn’t the only person here who was nervous. The brave façade of the former athlete had begun to slip. Some part of Lee’s heart tugged hard in his chest at the idea that Sam was being brave for him. It had been a long time since anyone had stood strong for him. Usually he was doing that for others.
Lee understood that for all his shameless talk, Sam was just as uncertain of the future as he was. Lee could see, as Sam swallowed nervously, that they were both entering new-chartered space. The actions between the two of them would forge a new direction, a new relationship between the two men, a physical, sexual world where Kara Thrace did not exist. The idea both excited and terrified him.
Watching Sam, he waited for the other man to face him again, but when Sam refused to turn toward him, Lee felt that he needed to be brave, even if for a moment, for the both of them.
“You know, if Kara was here, I’m certain she would have found a solution to this situation. Let me try something,” Lee said as he rolled onto his side and lightly placed his hand on Sam’s chest. He could feel the other man’s heart, beating strong and steady. His skin was warm and soft. There was life here and it felt good. He watched Sam’s face as he slowly turned back towards Lee, seeing the hand on his chest, and then staring back into those blue eyes.
Lee could feel himself smiling for the first time in days as he sat up a little, resting his upper body on his elbow, as his other hand began to explore the near hairless chest beside him. The look in Sam’s face, as a similar smile began to blossom, silently spoke of a mutual understanding between them.
Somehow, they’d help each other out and get through this together.
---------------------------------------------------
Kara had always said she wanted her picture below and to the right of Kat’s. She’d told him that she had wanted her picture right there. ‘Kat was always a good wingman,’ she’d once said to Lee.
It was time to move on now. Lee thought as he pinned the picture to the wall.
He heard the airlock door open and a slight thumping alternating with approaching steps. He turned to see Sam coming toward him on crutches.
“Hey, how’s the leg?” Lee asked.
“You mean my lucky break? It gave me a reason not to come up here. Sooner or later you run out of excuses,” Sam said as he looked down.
“It’s hard to let her go.” Lee turned to leave. He knew this situation with Sam wasn’t over. They had found comfort with each other and for a small moment, they’d escaped the pain of Kara’s death. That time together, Lee realized, helped each of them move past some of the pain of her death.
Sam was a good man. Lee could see him being happy with someone else. If this were another time, Lee would have held hope that he’d be the one, but he still had to try to work things out with Dee. It wasn’t fair to keep running into someone else’s arms every time things got rough. He needed to give her a chance and hope she’d do the same.
If it didn’t work, though, he could always hope for another chance to spend with Sam. Maybe even more.
“Lee, I’ll see you around.” Sam looked into his eyes again, only this time with a different look. This time, he looked at Lee with eyes that shined with promise.
Lee looked back at Sam and gave a little smile as he walked out the door.
Pairing: Lee Adama/Sam Anders
Rating: light R
WARNINGS: Sexual frustration and a bit of teasing… but that’s more on the reader’s part.
Word Count: ~4500
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything in the Battlestar Galactica universe. I don’t make any monies from this.
A/N: Set during season three in the episode titled “The Son Also Rises”. I lifted the first and last scenes directly from this episode. The original dialogue from this episode is bolded. I just added in what I thought the characters were thinking.
For nursedarry: I’m sorry it’s late, but I hope you like it. :) I truly enjoyed writing in this fandom. I hope to do it again.
Kara was gone.
He had seen it with his own eyes and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move past it. It’s just a picture, a stellar tombstone next to Kat’s image saying that Kara Thrace had died, but he couldn’t let it go.
There had been so many others who had gone before, people who were more compassionate, more loving, and truly good. He was able to move past those deaths and continue his job. Why was he having so many problems moving past hers? It was just a godsdamn picture! He had to let it go… he had to let her go.
As Lee Adama stood in front of the wall of remembrance, picture in hand, trying to put Kara Thrace’s picture up on the makeshift memorial, he is lurched out of his thoughts by the sound of Racetrack calling him over to the hanger.
“Major?” Her strained voice called.
“Yeah.” He replies as he puts the picture away. He’d have to say good-bye to Kara some other time.
As he neared the hanger he could see a group of people milling about and then he could hear that voice laughing and calling out from inside. It had to be Sam Anders.
Sam had been drinking non-stop for the better part of three days. For the first two days, everyone had left him alone; they knew how hard these things could be. They’d each gone through it before. But here he was standing, almost blind drunk, on the Viper tossing a coin in the air, swaying, and dangerously close to falling off. As much as he hated to do it, Lee knew that he had to get Sam down from there so that the others could get back to work.
“Heads! Did you see that? My girl’s too lucky to check-out.” Sam looked down at the coin. Lee suspected that the man couldn’t properly see it. It broke his heart to see him hurting, broken. Hell, if he’d just admit it, he knew they were both broken from this.
As Lee made his way up the Viper, he called out to try and not startle the other man.
“Hey, Sam”
“Lee … giggle… Apollo.” Sam wouldn’t look him in the face and kept staring at the coin.
Damn it, Sam. Don’t do this to me, Lee thought. I don’t have the strength to get us both through this.
“You stay there, buddy. You’re flying,” Lee says, as he puts his hands on both of Sam’s arms too try to balance him. ”Let’s just get down and get some sleep. Come on.”
Sam turns and starts to sit on the ship.
“I’m fine, I’m gonna sit down. Ow!” His coordination was off as he dropped the last two feet to sit on top of the Viper.
“You alright?” Lee says as he crouches down.
“It wasn’t supposed…. It was …” Sam mumbles as he begins weeping.
“Come on.” Lee gently tries to grab his arm.
“No, I gotta go.” Sam turns to move and instead slips off the Viper and crumples to the ground.
“Frak! Is he ok?” Lee shouts as he quickly scrambled down the other side of the Viper. Something inside of him jerked when he saw Sam fall off like that.
“Ah, I think I fell…” Sam mumbles as he tries to sit up.
“Sam… Sam”
“She’s still alive, right?” Sam’s hopeful eyes finally look into Lee’s face hoping somehow that it wasn’t true.
“She’s gone, Sam. She’s gone,” As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Lee felt a huge load lift off his shoulders. Somehow saying the words out loud, outside the frantic rush of being in the Viper made it finally ring true in his ears.
“I know,” Sam mumbles as he begins to cry again.
---------------------------------------------------
“How’s he doing, Doc?” Lee whispers as he comes into sickbay and makes his way over to Dr. Cottle.
“He’s lucky he didn’t break his frakin’ neck. He’s just got a sprained ankle. He’ll be up and about in a couple of days. I want to keep him here until I know he’s sobered up and won’t do anything stupid again,” Cottle says as a cigarette dangles precariously between his lips. It’s subtle shakes fleck ash all over as he motions to the bed where Sam is sleeping.
“Mind if I go look in on him?” Lee asks as he turns to watch Sam sleeping. Something about the vulnerability of watching the other man sleep, probably for the first time in days, pulls at Lee’s heart. Some part of him wants to wrap Sam up in his arms and tell him that it’s going to be all right. Some how, they’ll get through this together.
“Help yourself,” Cottle gruffly muttered as he used his current cigarette to light another one. He walked away to attend another patient leaving Lee standing there alone.
Lee silently walks over to sit at the provided chair by Sam’s bed. The sickbay’s area was eerily quiet as he sat there watching Sam sleep. He liked the quiet. It gave him time to think and try to collect his thoughts. Being around other people made him insecure and feel like he was out of control. He didn’t like feeling that way. Being in the quiet, alone and numb, suited him just fine.
As he stared out into space, his mind once again returned to Kara’s last words telling him it was alright to let her go. When he closed his eyes he could see it again and again as her ship exploded, scattering all directions into space. He wanted to go back and some how stop that moment, stop them from getting into the Vipers, stop them from getting on the Galactica, stop the Cylons from attacking the twelve colonies. This last death had been too much even for him.
Feeling the weight of the moment weigh him down again, Lee laid his head down on the bed’s edge as he began to silently weep. It was the first time he’d had let his emotions go since he’d come back from that fated mission. He could feel the tears just coming and he didn’t know if they would ever stop. To be honest, he didn’t know if he wanted them to. His hands were on either side of his head gripping the soft, white blankets and the bed beneath it. His shoulders were shaking and his nose was running from the release. It felt liberating to let himself go.
He had no idea how much time had passed when he felt fingers card through his hair. The sudden touch startled him. It was the first time anyone had touched him since Kara had died. It was then that he remembered that he wasn’t alone. Lee bolted his head up, looking as the hand was drawn away from him, and saw Sam lower his hand back to his stomach. Sam’s face showed concern and sadness as he watched Lee. He lifted his hand again and very slowly moved it to Lee’s face. He cupped Lee’s check in his hand, and tenderly brushed a tear away with his thumb before he brought it back down to his side.
“Are you alright?” Sam asked. His voice was rough and gentle. His eyebrows were creased together as he stared into Lee’s eyes, not allowing the other man to look away. The concern in his voice caused Lee’s stomach to tighten. He suddenly felt awkward and a little nervous. He had come here to see if he could provide comfort to Sam, but instead found Sam trying to console him. The situation had changed from how he’d envisioned it when he came into the area.
Lee had come here to see how Sam was doing or at least lend him a listening ear, but instead found himself the vulnerable one. He swallowed the lump that had found itself in his throat and slowly licked his lips trying to think about what he was going to say. He wanted to be careful what he said or else he’d open his mouth and find he couldn’t stop babbling. He watched as Sam’s eyes shifted and began watching his tongue move across his lips. As Sam’s eyes watched the movement, Lee could see his face soften with a look of longing. The intensity in those eyes, though, remained the same.
“Um, yeah, I’m alright, I guess. You know, it’s been kind of rough these past few days. I guess it’s just a matter of taking it one day at a time, isn’t it?” Lee said as looked down at his hands. He noticed he still had the blanket tightly clinched in his grips. He let go of the blanket, but kept his hands on the bed as he tried to look at ease. He tried desperately to think of something to change the subject.
“So, I came by to check on how you were doing before I go play babysitter to Baltar’s new attorney. I ran into Doc Cottle who tells me that you sprained your ankle. That’s not too bad, I guess and before you know it, you’ll be back on your feet soon.” Lee was fidgeting as he began to wring his hands together.
“Yeah, that’s much better than the way he told it to me. He said I was lucky I hadn’t broken my godsdamn neck,” Sam laughed as he looked down at his own hands. The silence between the two men was awkward. What they once had in common was gone now, and even then the tension between them was intense. Lee had always suspected it was due to the ongoing rivalry between them for Kara’s affection, but now he wondered if it was something else.
In the quiet, they would briefly look at each other before making eye contact and looking away. There had always been some sort of energy or tension between them. It was still there, but somehow it felt different, more personal and intimate.
After a few minutes, Sam took a long breath and continued, “Hey, I wanted to say thanks for, you know, back there in the hanger. I was drunk and acting stupid. I know you were trying to help me and all. And I… I should have taken it somewhere else, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Lee sighed.
Kara was more than a woman that they had loved. She was a force of nature that had entered their lives and swept them up within her turbulent storm. Now that she was gone, it felt like they had some how been cast out of a vortex, left to drift alone, and make their way through space again.
He never thought that anybody truly understood Kara Thrace. She was dynamic, hard, tender, sarcastic, tough and gentle. But if anyone could have gotten near enough to understand and love her, it was Sam and himself.
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to go into the pilot ready rooms, that’s where I see her the most. I hear her making smart cracks from the seats. She had such a mouth on her. Some of the things that she said, it was hard to remember that she was still a woman,” Lee chuckled.
“Yeah, she had a mouth on her alright. It got her into so much trouble. Sometimes when we would fight, I just wanted to wrap my hands around her mouth just to shut her up. Just a moment, to have my say before she went off again.” Sam replied as he shook his head with a slight smile.
“I did that one time, you know, grabbed her face to shut her up. We were arguing about something, I can’t remember what now, and I just needed her to stop talking. I just needed a moment of silence before she threw the first punch.” Lee looked off as he remembered the moment back on New Caprica. They had both been running high on adrenaline and sexual tension. He was getting tired of arguing with her.
“You did? What did she do? Did she bite you?” Sam asked sitting up and taking a keen interest in the direction of the conversation. His reply brought Lee back to the moment.
“Nah,” Lee said, his voice now quiet, “She licked me. It startled me at first. I figured she was going to sink those teeth into me, but she grabbed my hand and began to suck on my fingers.” The memories of what happened afterwards caused Lee’s cock to take notice. When Kara had taken his fingers into his mouth, the soft, warm wetness of her tongue had caused his cock to immediately harden. Even now, Lee had to shift in his chair as he recalled the way her lips felt as they moved down each digit, one at a time.
“Hey, come sit up here on the bed. I know how uncomfortable those chairs are,” Sam said, jolting Lee back to the present. “I don’t think they want visitors around here for long,” he continued, moving over, careful of his leg, and patted the bed next to him until Lee got up and sat down next to him.
“Yeah, I never met a woman as talented as she was. She could do things with her tongue and lips that I didn’t think were possible. You know what I mean? If I didn’t know better, I would swear she had been a man once, the way she knew how to drive me insane,” Sam smiled as he stared at Lee. The way his blue eyes narrowed as he stared Lee, almost as if he were a succulent steak. The fire and intensity in those eyes made the other man uneasy.
“What do you mean?” Lee asked. His own mind lost in the memories of times he had had sex with Kara. He desperately wanted to press the palm of his hand against his erection to ease the throbbing. Every shift of his body caused the head of his cock to rub against the cotton pants. He was beginning to soak through his briefs and knew it’d seep into his black dress trousers if he didn’t calm down or take care of this soon.
“You know how it is. Girls usually give head different than guys do. When a girl gives head, it’s usually too much teeth and not enough throat and tongue. They don’t know how to set a decent rhythm and then they’re afraid of gagging or worrying about if they’re going to have to swallow. Kara was different. I don’t even know if she ever had a gag reflex. Once she started on giving a guy head, she made sure she’d do whatever it took to see him come hard,” Sam continued as he rubbed his hand over his body. Lee thought he was going to start stroking himself, but then his hand shifted at the last second and he ended up gripping his thigh instead. Lee couldn’t look away and could see the beginning signs of a growing bulge that he didn’t think was there before. His cock pulsed up in response.
Lee briefly imagined rubbing his hard cock against Sam’s, both of them naked and panting, as his hand wrapped around both of them, bringing them together. His empty hand clenched against the bed sheet as he imagined feeling the warm, velvet skin against his calloused fingers. He had to close his eyes and try to clear his dirty thoughts from making him unzip right there in the sickbay. Sam’s baritone voice was still talking and Lee knew he needed to pay attention, even if the topic of conversation wasn’t helping matters any.
“Then there was this one time when we were in the duty lockers, she had just finished giving a lecture to the Nuggets. I thought she’d be thirsty, so I waited for her before heading to Joe’s Bar. Well, she was thirsty, alright, but not from the distiller. I think the frakin’ toasters could have walked into the room that day and I wouldn’t have noticed. You know what I mean?” Sam said, no longer making eye contact with Lee, but looking straight up at the ceiling. Lee watched as Sam’s Adam’s apple moved up and down his throat. The movements along that tawny neck made him lick his lips with desire.
All this talk of blowjobs and sex was starting to affect him. Sitting here next to Sam was making him harder than he imagined. He had often thought the man was rather attractive and wondered what it would be like to have sex with him. He knew Sam had to be a decent lover if Kara had married him. Sometimes he wished his own marriage had been brought together with that in mind.
It had been awhile since he and Dee had done anything sexual. When they were in the room together, they shared moments of either icy silence or heated, nasty barbs.
Sitting here reminiscing with Sam, thinking about all the times Kara and he had had sex all the stolen moments fucking fast and hard in the raptors, was bringing his own sexual desires back to the forefront. He needed to make his excuses to Sam, go back to his quarters and jerk off. He turned to tell Sam that he’d better go check in with Baltar’s lawyer when he saw a slight movement out of the corner of his eye.
The hospital blankets were thin, hardly blankets at all, and they left little to the imagination of anyone coming into see a visitor. Sam’s broken leg had been elevated, which helped hide the bulge some, but he could see that Sam was bigger than average. Much bigger.
“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Lee replied. He’d had this kind of conversation before with his brother, long ago. He’d felt guilty because he and Kara had been having sex behind Zak’s back. Back then, he was overly cautious because he didn’t want to slip up and have his brother find out about their affair. This time was different, though. This time, in addition to thinking about Kara, Lee found himself thinking about Sam as well. He had long admired the former jock’s good looks and well defined body, but he hadn’t said anything, in case the other man wasn’t interested. Hearing the other man continually refer to Kara giving head like a man made him think otherwise.
“I see I’m not the only one being affected by this conversation,” Lee smirked as he motioned to Sam’s growing erection.
Sam blushed as his hand came down to try to adjust the material there. His fingers curved slightly around his cock as he briefly closed his eyes at the contact. “Yeah, it’s been awhile. I guess all this talk has gotten to me. That woman could give great head when she wanted to.” At those last words, Lee could see Sam’s cock twitch a little. It was hypnotic to watch the other man’s cock move like that. Before he could stop himself, Lee’s own hand came down to his own groin and pushed down hard to keep it from straining against the fabric of his pants.
“Yeah, my leg propped up helps conceal it, but you know how it is. Kara liked her men big, so it’s hard not to be noticed,” Sam sighed as he lightly stroked his fingers over his cock again. His boldness shocked some of Lee’s more conservative morals. “You don’t mind do you? It’s not like I can get out of this bed and go to the duty lockers to take care of myself.” Sam smiled as Lee saw him bring his hand under the blanket. It’s target was quite clear as he could see Sam’s knuckles bulging under the blanket, the slow motion up and down that cock made Lee bite his lip as his mouth began to water. If he stayed much longer, Lee would want to open his own fly, shoving his hand into his briefs and begin jerking off in a mirroring motion.
“Well, then, I guess I better get going,” Lee said, he was still staring at Sam’s cock, watching as the other man continued to stroke himself.
“You don’t understand, Lee. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. Maybe we can help each other out here,” Sam said as he wrapped the fingers to his other hand around Lee’s wrist to keep him seated on the bed. “Why don’t you close the curtains and come lay down beside me. Maybe we can reminiscence so more about and help each other out.” Sam released his wrist and began to move over his thigh. Lee watched as thick fingers crawled quickly up to his leg, moving in between his legs as Sam’s palm softly brushed along the outside of his erection. Sharply drawing in breath, he gave a small thrust as his eyes closed from such an intense, personal contact right where everyone could see them.
Sam’s hand was warm and his fingers were strong, as Lee’s gaze watched Sam move both hands, each one stroking a cock with the same rhythm. He felt like he was under a spell as he silently nodded and got up to close the curtains around them.
After he made sure nobody could look in, Lee turned back to see that Sam had pulled back the blanket. He had shoved his sickbay pants down to his mid-thighs and opened his shirt. His fingers were lightly stroking his rather large cock as his hooded eyes watch Lee move about the room.
Lying, unashamed and mostly naked on the sickbay bed, Sam looked beautiful. Lee breathed in a great gulp of air as he stood and stared.
“Take off your clothes, Lee, I want to see you naked,” Sam whispered. His voice was breathy and it hitched as he twisted his palm on the upstroke around the head of his cock.
Lee couldn’t believe he had found himself in this situation. Without any hesitation, he began unbuttoning and then removing each piece of his uniform until he was standing naked before Sam. The sickbay was a bit cool and he felt his nipples harden, while his own cock began to refill with blood, lengthening out.
He walked across the small space and lay under the covers next to Sam. Even though the blanket was thin, Sam was warm, and Lee could feel his body heat against his slightly sweaty skin. It felt good to lay naked next to another man again. He could feel Sam starting to turn and wrap himself over Lee, but then jerked back making a painful hissing sound.
“Fraking leg,” he muttered as he rolled onto his back. He was panting and Lee could see the sudden flush in his face and chest begin to fade away. “I guess this wasn’t a great idea, after all,” he chuckled as he looked away from Lee.
Lee could hear the sudden uncertainty in Sam’s voice and actions as he realized that he probably wasn’t the only person here who was nervous. The brave façade of the former athlete had begun to slip. Some part of Lee’s heart tugged hard in his chest at the idea that Sam was being brave for him. It had been a long time since anyone had stood strong for him. Usually he was doing that for others.
Lee understood that for all his shameless talk, Sam was just as uncertain of the future as he was. Lee could see, as Sam swallowed nervously, that they were both entering new-chartered space. The actions between the two of them would forge a new direction, a new relationship between the two men, a physical, sexual world where Kara Thrace did not exist. The idea both excited and terrified him.
Watching Sam, he waited for the other man to face him again, but when Sam refused to turn toward him, Lee felt that he needed to be brave, even if for a moment, for the both of them.
“You know, if Kara was here, I’m certain she would have found a solution to this situation. Let me try something,” Lee said as he rolled onto his side and lightly placed his hand on Sam’s chest. He could feel the other man’s heart, beating strong and steady. His skin was warm and soft. There was life here and it felt good. He watched Sam’s face as he slowly turned back towards Lee, seeing the hand on his chest, and then staring back into those blue eyes.
Lee could feel himself smiling for the first time in days as he sat up a little, resting his upper body on his elbow, as his other hand began to explore the near hairless chest beside him. The look in Sam’s face, as a similar smile began to blossom, silently spoke of a mutual understanding between them.
Somehow, they’d help each other out and get through this together.
---------------------------------------------------
Kara had always said she wanted her picture below and to the right of Kat’s. She’d told him that she had wanted her picture right there. ‘Kat was always a good wingman,’ she’d once said to Lee.
It was time to move on now. Lee thought as he pinned the picture to the wall.
He heard the airlock door open and a slight thumping alternating with approaching steps. He turned to see Sam coming toward him on crutches.
“Hey, how’s the leg?” Lee asked.
“You mean my lucky break? It gave me a reason not to come up here. Sooner or later you run out of excuses,” Sam said as he looked down.
“It’s hard to let her go.” Lee turned to leave. He knew this situation with Sam wasn’t over. They had found comfort with each other and for a small moment, they’d escaped the pain of Kara’s death. That time together, Lee realized, helped each of them move past some of the pain of her death.
Sam was a good man. Lee could see him being happy with someone else. If this were another time, Lee would have held hope that he’d be the one, but he still had to try to work things out with Dee. It wasn’t fair to keep running into someone else’s arms every time things got rough. He needed to give her a chance and hope she’d do the same.
If it didn’t work, though, he could always hope for another chance to spend with Sam. Maybe even more.
“Lee, I’ll see you around.” Sam looked into his eyes again, only this time with a different look. This time, he looked at Lee with eyes that shined with promise.
Lee looked back at Sam and gave a little smile as he walked out the door.