living in cycles
Today, more than in recent memory, I hear God calling me to himself. Maybe it's the weather, I don't know. The Christian walk is strange; I know I am never truly away from God yet I am responsible for my consciousness of it to some extent. I am reading a book on prayer right now, and last night when I read the chapter on covenant prayer before I went to sleep I had to cry. I looked back on my entire day and realized I had lived none of it conscious of God's presence. It just seems so stupid to call yourself a Christian and to orient your life around that viewpoint if you aren't stopping to hear from God himself during your day. I bother trying to make decisions through the lens of my values but don't ask for wisdom from the source himself. It grieved me to see myself as that flaky sort of daughter that doesn't have perspective on what's really going on besides my own life.
I am noticing that marriage is hard. It's weird because I totally love Miguel and it's great sharing our lives. But. Because I love him so much I am tempted to butt God out of the center and put Miguel there. And if Miguel is my god, everything is out of whack because if I fail him, I'm nothing, and there is no rescue; if he fails me, I despair and find it impossible to be kind, submissive, or even loving at all. So I fail and find my way back to the center, to God ruling me and loving me best, and everything else settling into place. Sometimes I start to feel guilty that I'm putting so much priority on time with God, so then I inch my way closer to only spending quality time with Miguel and kind of forgetting about God, and the cycle repeats itself. It's sad to look at in hindsight; it seems like I could be growing so much more in my faith if I wasn't such a sinner(!).
It's been two years since Jesus drew me in. The month of May is sweet to me for this reason, and I sometimes draw back into the memories of those first euphoric times with God, really discovering his love and character, seeing everything new and good. It gives me a reason to praise him, because I have tasted and seen that the LORD is good, and it is precious to my heart that he wooed me like that. Yet I must be careful not to long too much to have that time again, somehow I must see the value in the pettier-feeling squabbles of marriage and a different season in life.
Life IS beautiful now; I am transformed because of the Holy Spirit's work in my life in the past two years, and I am following the path he has set before me. What that entails I do not yet know, but today I long to be satisfied in God alone and let that be enough.
I am noticing that marriage is hard. It's weird because I totally love Miguel and it's great sharing our lives. But. Because I love him so much I am tempted to butt God out of the center and put Miguel there. And if Miguel is my god, everything is out of whack because if I fail him, I'm nothing, and there is no rescue; if he fails me, I despair and find it impossible to be kind, submissive, or even loving at all. So I fail and find my way back to the center, to God ruling me and loving me best, and everything else settling into place. Sometimes I start to feel guilty that I'm putting so much priority on time with God, so then I inch my way closer to only spending quality time with Miguel and kind of forgetting about God, and the cycle repeats itself. It's sad to look at in hindsight; it seems like I could be growing so much more in my faith if I wasn't such a sinner(!).
It's been two years since Jesus drew me in. The month of May is sweet to me for this reason, and I sometimes draw back into the memories of those first euphoric times with God, really discovering his love and character, seeing everything new and good. It gives me a reason to praise him, because I have tasted and seen that the LORD is good, and it is precious to my heart that he wooed me like that. Yet I must be careful not to long too much to have that time again, somehow I must see the value in the pettier-feeling squabbles of marriage and a different season in life.
Life IS beautiful now; I am transformed because of the Holy Spirit's work in my life in the past two years, and I am following the path he has set before me. What that entails I do not yet know, but today I long to be satisfied in God alone and let that be enough.