(no subject)
isn't it odd how depression just strikes. from the littlest things. for me its a combination of many things. but what triggered it first was the VMA's. its a year anniversary of tony and me. not really a year anniversary. but its a memorable time for me. it brings back a million memories i've been trying to forget for half a year. 6 fucking months i've tried and tried to forget. and i've almost forgot him. but now here comes the vma's and here comes the memories. flooding back. the good...and the bad.
then. music. music depresses me beyond reason. certain songs. i don't even know why sometimes. i never know why i get depressed a lot of the time. which worries me. the song metal heart does not explain me anymore. at all. it makes me want to puke now. it used to be me. now...now i don't' want to be courageous and true. and i don't' want to be dependable.
so many people are depressed. but i never thought i would be one of them. i never did. i knew about them when i was younger. my mom was severely depressed and always sick. for years. one of the most memorable moments that i've had with my mom ever since i was little is wetting a wash cloth and putting it in the microwave for 10 seconds, then giving it to her. then make another one. switch them out every 5 minutes. always. for hours on end i would do that. my mom depressed for 4 years straight. she lived in my dad's room. it was always dark and sticky and heavy in there. i can barely live in there now. even now i walk in there, and its as cold as ever, and i just remember how it used to be. and. i miss it. thats how i know my mom. and i loved her that way. she was like that last year. but it wasn't as fun. cuz we didn't have a babysitter. we had just me and Andrew. and we had to make her dinner. and she wouldn't lay in her bed. she would go out. and out. and not come home forever. she still does it. even tonight. she's not home. she's at joe's. i like her not being here. but its kinda sad. to think that some people have whole family's. the only person i know is Izzy, and Issy. but otherwise, all my friend's have shit lives. mine isn't nearly as bad as theirs. cuz mom makes sure we're taken care of. but still. i duno where i'm going with this.
i'm not ready for a boyfriend. i haven't been ready for one ever. i still have problems. i cry for no reason. i never feel good. i'm not happy. and any boy deserves way better than me. but they don't get it. they like me. and i don't get it. i know why they like me initially i guess. but. i don't get why they stay with me even when they figure out i'm really messed up. ican't seem to get them to go away. i want to save them. but then i want them to save me. and i can have one or the other i guess. but no body's been able to make me happy. i try and try. i've tried everything i can think of. i can't be happy. it doesn't work. i'm just not made to be happy anymore. and i don't want to draw more people into my life. i'm trying not to. i've already messed up ellie and izzy and sarah. and im afraid. i don't want to ruin other people's lives. i can't seem to be happy. i want to so bad. i really do. i want to be happy like other people. i know people who are actually happy. and i can't figure out how they do it. maybe they're stupid. ignorance is bliss. but. gah. there must be some way to be happy. i hate not being happy. i miss being happy. it was nice. comforting. i can barely remember it actually. and i know other's people's lives are worse. much worse. and it makes me feel not worthy of feeling bad. so i feel worse cuz i shouldn't feel worse. and so i gah...
i don't know what to do. someone please save me.
eve
then. music. music depresses me beyond reason. certain songs. i don't even know why sometimes. i never know why i get depressed a lot of the time. which worries me. the song metal heart does not explain me anymore. at all. it makes me want to puke now. it used to be me. now...now i don't' want to be courageous and true. and i don't' want to be dependable.
so many people are depressed. but i never thought i would be one of them. i never did. i knew about them when i was younger. my mom was severely depressed and always sick. for years. one of the most memorable moments that i've had with my mom ever since i was little is wetting a wash cloth and putting it in the microwave for 10 seconds, then giving it to her. then make another one. switch them out every 5 minutes. always. for hours on end i would do that. my mom depressed for 4 years straight. she lived in my dad's room. it was always dark and sticky and heavy in there. i can barely live in there now. even now i walk in there, and its as cold as ever, and i just remember how it used to be. and. i miss it. thats how i know my mom. and i loved her that way. she was like that last year. but it wasn't as fun. cuz we didn't have a babysitter. we had just me and Andrew. and we had to make her dinner. and she wouldn't lay in her bed. she would go out. and out. and not come home forever. she still does it. even tonight. she's not home. she's at joe's. i like her not being here. but its kinda sad. to think that some people have whole family's. the only person i know is Izzy, and Issy. but otherwise, all my friend's have shit lives. mine isn't nearly as bad as theirs. cuz mom makes sure we're taken care of. but still. i duno where i'm going with this.
i'm not ready for a boyfriend. i haven't been ready for one ever. i still have problems. i cry for no reason. i never feel good. i'm not happy. and any boy deserves way better than me. but they don't get it. they like me. and i don't get it. i know why they like me initially i guess. but. i don't get why they stay with me even when they figure out i'm really messed up. ican't seem to get them to go away. i want to save them. but then i want them to save me. and i can have one or the other i guess. but no body's been able to make me happy. i try and try. i've tried everything i can think of. i can't be happy. it doesn't work. i'm just not made to be happy anymore. and i don't want to draw more people into my life. i'm trying not to. i've already messed up ellie and izzy and sarah. and im afraid. i don't want to ruin other people's lives. i can't seem to be happy. i want to so bad. i really do. i want to be happy like other people. i know people who are actually happy. and i can't figure out how they do it. maybe they're stupid. ignorance is bliss. but. gah. there must be some way to be happy. i hate not being happy. i miss being happy. it was nice. comforting. i can barely remember it actually. and i know other's people's lives are worse. much worse. and it makes me feel not worthy of feeling bad. so i feel worse cuz i shouldn't feel worse. and so i gah...
i don't know what to do. someone please save me.
eve