I know.
I know that when my Mum passes, I will miss her desperately. I know that the "steps" to grief will have me all kinds of mixed up and with a big ol' helping of guilt thrown in for good measure.
Which means that on afternoons like today, when I intended to spend a lazy afternoon, popping into the grocery store then meandering out into the country to sit, with my book and maybe my camera and just enjoy the last of the Autumn sunshine. On afternoons like today when I mention, in passing, to mother that I am popping out, purely so she doesn't call an ambulance if I don't answer the phone. (This is not hyperbole, she's gotten a taxi down at 7.30am bef0re now, when I didn't answer her call, 'cos I was in the shower.)
It means that when she asks if she "can come along for the ride" even when I've told her I am diving to Asda for one item only and says "I'll sit in the car", that I have to take her. That I have to take her and go for a drive through the country with her, and stop for lunch and goddamn it, be sociable.
It means that I can't say no, 'cos I'll feel awful and it means I feel guilty now, because I make myself feel guilt in advance for "what if I said No and she died tonight?" That I feel so fed up with not having any space without feeling guilty for it all the time. That I feel guilty for feeling fed up and it's all one manky mess of misery that means I've come home and am sitting here feeling like the worst daughter in the world, and fighting the urge to tell you all just how many times I have already taken her out this week, in case you realise I am as evil as I clearly am.
On afternoons like this, life sucks.
Which means that on afternoons like today, when I intended to spend a lazy afternoon, popping into the grocery store then meandering out into the country to sit, with my book and maybe my camera and just enjoy the last of the Autumn sunshine. On afternoons like today when I mention, in passing, to mother that I am popping out, purely so she doesn't call an ambulance if I don't answer the phone. (This is not hyperbole, she's gotten a taxi down at 7.30am bef0re now, when I didn't answer her call, 'cos I was in the shower.)
It means that when she asks if she "can come along for the ride" even when I've told her I am diving to Asda for one item only and says "I'll sit in the car", that I have to take her. That I have to take her and go for a drive through the country with her, and stop for lunch and goddamn it, be sociable.
It means that I can't say no, 'cos I'll feel awful and it means I feel guilty now, because I make myself feel guilt in advance for "what if I said No and she died tonight?" That I feel so fed up with not having any space without feeling guilty for it all the time. That I feel guilty for feeling fed up and it's all one manky mess of misery that means I've come home and am sitting here feeling like the worst daughter in the world, and fighting the urge to tell you all just how many times I have already taken her out this week, in case you realise I am as evil as I clearly am.
On afternoons like this, life sucks.