happy birthday, baby
today was Teddy's birthday. he would have been 24.
i miss him. so much.
i couldn't breathe driving down canistear. it was almost as bad today as it was the first few days after it happened..the days when there were some times i had to drive out to 23 via 515 because passing the scene was too much for me.
thats the worst feeling..having to remind yourself to breathe. i must have looked like a nut to anyone driving past me-- hands clenching the steering wheel, knuckles white, breathing methodically in, and then out. i probably looked slightly as though i were giving birth.
anyway. i had work today. it was largely uneventful. but Lisa came in, and i miss her. and i talked to Stacy. and went shopping with Leigh. and talked to Mary Kate. all in all, once i got to work, it was a good day.
after work i went to the king george with Robyn. i love her. she is one of the only people to whom i can talk to, absolutely uncensored. its nice to talk to someone who you know will never judge you or misunderstand you.
i miss Grace.
anyway. here i am. its 1 in the morning, and i have to work in 12 hours. i should probably get to sleep, but i've been thinking about Teddy, and Fucko. and both are making me melancholy, though obviously in different ways.
but fucko is not making me angry. and i call him that half in jest. i dont hate him, though i know it seems like i do. and he has done things that have hurt me deeply, but i cant judge or be angry because i am sure that i have said and done things that have upset him as well.
tonight i came to terms with a lot of things regarding him. im not depressed, though, oddly enough; ive taken an objective stance on things. im surprised at how not sad i am; but i guess that means i'm over the situation.
thank god..i couldnt really handle having to feel that badly all of the time. i love him, dearly (even though i hate the way he treats me)..but i have to let him go. if he comes back someday, then that will be absolutely fantastic. and if not, i have a lot of happy memories.
i dont want to work tomorrow. i want to sleep all day. if only that were an option. its bad enough im going in late.
anyway. after work i'm going to nyc with Kari and her family for her mom's birthday dinner. i'm kind of excited..i love the Forshner/Hughes family.
im excited about Florida. i can't wait. we're down to 22 days not counting today (today being sunday)...and i'm so excited. ive already put aside tanning oil, flip flops, several small bottles of vodka, and 2 bathing suits. this vacation cannot come soon enough...for either of us.
kari and brian broke up the other day, and its been affecting everyone. they, obviously, are upset, but i am upset as well. because they are both my friends, and i cant do anything to fix things. the situation is irrevocable, and my loving both of them doesnt make it all right (or even better). its been a depressing week in the neighborhood.
school is good. its a lot of work. its a lot of driving. but my classes, for the most part, are not too bad. and its nice to only work 2 days a week.
frighteningly nice.
it would be nice to marry a man with enough money to support us without my having to work. i would be content to be the old fashioned italian woman that i am, and be a housewife.
or i could just be a "modern woman", and marry some rich guy who works all the time, take all of his money, and cheat on him.
but sadly, as i am incapable of lying or generally being deceitful..thats not in the cards for me.
but then again, the lack of the abilities of lying and deception will cause me to be single for the rest of my life, since apparently honesty is not a valuable asset, and it seems no one wants that. to be in a relationship, it appears that i have to become a lying, cheating, irrational individual who just wants to fight all the time and then have sex to excuse the fighting. this, it appears, is what it takes to get (and keep) a boy.
being a good person is not on my side. i wonder why this is. in love and business, being a good person seems to hold you back.
if only i could lie. life would be so much easier without telling the truth all the time.
look where telling the truth has gotten me.
i guess i'll go to sleep now. maybe when i wake up, life won't be stupid.
i wish Erry was home. i wish things were the way they used to be. i wish G3 still existed.
i wish--harder than i wish for all of these other things--that you hadnt thrown me away.
i miss him. so much.
i couldn't breathe driving down canistear. it was almost as bad today as it was the first few days after it happened..the days when there were some times i had to drive out to 23 via 515 because passing the scene was too much for me.
thats the worst feeling..having to remind yourself to breathe. i must have looked like a nut to anyone driving past me-- hands clenching the steering wheel, knuckles white, breathing methodically in, and then out. i probably looked slightly as though i were giving birth.
anyway. i had work today. it was largely uneventful. but Lisa came in, and i miss her. and i talked to Stacy. and went shopping with Leigh. and talked to Mary Kate. all in all, once i got to work, it was a good day.
after work i went to the king george with Robyn. i love her. she is one of the only people to whom i can talk to, absolutely uncensored. its nice to talk to someone who you know will never judge you or misunderstand you.
i miss Grace.
anyway. here i am. its 1 in the morning, and i have to work in 12 hours. i should probably get to sleep, but i've been thinking about Teddy, and Fucko. and both are making me melancholy, though obviously in different ways.
but fucko is not making me angry. and i call him that half in jest. i dont hate him, though i know it seems like i do. and he has done things that have hurt me deeply, but i cant judge or be angry because i am sure that i have said and done things that have upset him as well.
tonight i came to terms with a lot of things regarding him. im not depressed, though, oddly enough; ive taken an objective stance on things. im surprised at how not sad i am; but i guess that means i'm over the situation.
thank god..i couldnt really handle having to feel that badly all of the time. i love him, dearly (even though i hate the way he treats me)..but i have to let him go. if he comes back someday, then that will be absolutely fantastic. and if not, i have a lot of happy memories.
i dont want to work tomorrow. i want to sleep all day. if only that were an option. its bad enough im going in late.
anyway. after work i'm going to nyc with Kari and her family for her mom's birthday dinner. i'm kind of excited..i love the Forshner/Hughes family.
im excited about Florida. i can't wait. we're down to 22 days not counting today (today being sunday)...and i'm so excited. ive already put aside tanning oil, flip flops, several small bottles of vodka, and 2 bathing suits. this vacation cannot come soon enough...for either of us.
kari and brian broke up the other day, and its been affecting everyone. they, obviously, are upset, but i am upset as well. because they are both my friends, and i cant do anything to fix things. the situation is irrevocable, and my loving both of them doesnt make it all right (or even better). its been a depressing week in the neighborhood.
school is good. its a lot of work. its a lot of driving. but my classes, for the most part, are not too bad. and its nice to only work 2 days a week.
frighteningly nice.
it would be nice to marry a man with enough money to support us without my having to work. i would be content to be the old fashioned italian woman that i am, and be a housewife.
or i could just be a "modern woman", and marry some rich guy who works all the time, take all of his money, and cheat on him.
but sadly, as i am incapable of lying or generally being deceitful..thats not in the cards for me.
but then again, the lack of the abilities of lying and deception will cause me to be single for the rest of my life, since apparently honesty is not a valuable asset, and it seems no one wants that. to be in a relationship, it appears that i have to become a lying, cheating, irrational individual who just wants to fight all the time and then have sex to excuse the fighting. this, it appears, is what it takes to get (and keep) a boy.
being a good person is not on my side. i wonder why this is. in love and business, being a good person seems to hold you back.
if only i could lie. life would be so much easier without telling the truth all the time.
look where telling the truth has gotten me.
i guess i'll go to sleep now. maybe when i wake up, life won't be stupid.
i wish Erry was home. i wish things were the way they used to be. i wish G3 still existed.
i wish--harder than i wish for all of these other things--that you hadnt thrown me away.