happy fucking new year
dear kari and brian, i love you, thank you for making new years suck less than it would have without you. what i would do without you, i don't know.. without kari, no one would be touching my boobs or molesting me haha..and without brian, i would be the lone asshole in a sea of socially adept people. i love you guys...thanks for a fun, calm evening.
and my erryface, i miss you and love you and cant wait to see you again, whenever that might be.
i hate new years.
and while i know that a lot of people love me, and i am lucky enough to spend every day with at least a few of them, sometimes i feel completely alone. and without my best friends and my family, i really dont think i could have made it through the holidays.
so, love love love, to: erry, grace, dana, kari, bri, the rand family, my immediate and extended family, and my much loved but rarely seen Raffaele boys, who make every time i see them count by showering me with more love and affection that i can handle so that i know how much they love me and so it can (kind of) hold me over until the next time i see them.
i miss you, Dale. a LOT.
tomorrow i have to say goodbye to Dana. 8 more months in Texas, and then one of my most favorite friends is off on her next, as of yet unknown adventure. but hopefully she'll hit up the V before she embarks.
someday i will figure out why all of my friends leave. but luckily they dont leave me, just the state and immediate area.
well. my REAL friends dont leave me. the shitty ones that i wasted years of trust and affection on, they have no problems. but hey, i'm not bitter. have a good life. i hope that when you're old and more miserable than you are now (which seems like a feat, but with your defeatist attitude i'm sure you'll find a negative side to everything that comes your way), you look back on all your failures and remember me as your greatest one. i hope when you are older you can't sleep bec youre wondering how and why you threw me away, the one person who would have done anything to keep you when she was stupid enough to think you were worth keeping.
i hope the memory of losing me haunts you forever. i really, really do. not as vindication, or as justification to the shit i went through, but merely to serve as a lesson learned. i hope, for your sake, that i'm the last good person you throw away...but i really think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that loved you as much as i did or treated you as well as i did. i also hope that you one day find this happening to you, so that you can know the pain you caused me and prevent yourself from hurting someone else this deeply.
may the people you meet in the future be influenced by the mistakes you made with me, so that you never do again to somebody else what you did to me.
and with that, i am done with you. i can throw you to the wind now, until you come back, at which point i can all but promise you that it will be too late, but i will take that opportunity to get the answers that i deserve, and then i will bid adieu to you forever.
that sounds bitter and angry, but i dont mean it that way. i just want you to learn from this experience. i hope you read this, even though i know it will make you angry, and you will deny all of these charges i once so readily absolved you from. but in time, whether months or years, you will know inside that i am right, and i can only hope that you use that knowledge to your advantage, and that you will put your self-destructive days behind you. i wish you not ill will, nor goodwill; just the capacity for learning and looking beyond yourself. right now i know this is hard for you; it always was. but it will pass; it did for me. and when everything is clearer, may you use this knowledge and my goodbye to help yourself instead of committing further acts of estrangement and alienation.
happy new year, all. i'd put my resolution here, but i dont believe in them. no one ever keeps them.
no one keeps anything these days. i will just continue to learn from the people around me, and wait until someone (or something) worth fighting for comes along.
and my erryface, i miss you and love you and cant wait to see you again, whenever that might be.
i hate new years.
and while i know that a lot of people love me, and i am lucky enough to spend every day with at least a few of them, sometimes i feel completely alone. and without my best friends and my family, i really dont think i could have made it through the holidays.
so, love love love, to: erry, grace, dana, kari, bri, the rand family, my immediate and extended family, and my much loved but rarely seen Raffaele boys, who make every time i see them count by showering me with more love and affection that i can handle so that i know how much they love me and so it can (kind of) hold me over until the next time i see them.
i miss you, Dale. a LOT.
tomorrow i have to say goodbye to Dana. 8 more months in Texas, and then one of my most favorite friends is off on her next, as of yet unknown adventure. but hopefully she'll hit up the V before she embarks.
someday i will figure out why all of my friends leave. but luckily they dont leave me, just the state and immediate area.
well. my REAL friends dont leave me. the shitty ones that i wasted years of trust and affection on, they have no problems. but hey, i'm not bitter. have a good life. i hope that when you're old and more miserable than you are now (which seems like a feat, but with your defeatist attitude i'm sure you'll find a negative side to everything that comes your way), you look back on all your failures and remember me as your greatest one. i hope when you are older you can't sleep bec youre wondering how and why you threw me away, the one person who would have done anything to keep you when she was stupid enough to think you were worth keeping.
i hope the memory of losing me haunts you forever. i really, really do. not as vindication, or as justification to the shit i went through, but merely to serve as a lesson learned. i hope, for your sake, that i'm the last good person you throw away...but i really think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone that loved you as much as i did or treated you as well as i did. i also hope that you one day find this happening to you, so that you can know the pain you caused me and prevent yourself from hurting someone else this deeply.
may the people you meet in the future be influenced by the mistakes you made with me, so that you never do again to somebody else what you did to me.
and with that, i am done with you. i can throw you to the wind now, until you come back, at which point i can all but promise you that it will be too late, but i will take that opportunity to get the answers that i deserve, and then i will bid adieu to you forever.
that sounds bitter and angry, but i dont mean it that way. i just want you to learn from this experience. i hope you read this, even though i know it will make you angry, and you will deny all of these charges i once so readily absolved you from. but in time, whether months or years, you will know inside that i am right, and i can only hope that you use that knowledge to your advantage, and that you will put your self-destructive days behind you. i wish you not ill will, nor goodwill; just the capacity for learning and looking beyond yourself. right now i know this is hard for you; it always was. but it will pass; it did for me. and when everything is clearer, may you use this knowledge and my goodbye to help yourself instead of committing further acts of estrangement and alienation.
happy new year, all. i'd put my resolution here, but i dont believe in them. no one ever keeps them.
no one keeps anything these days. i will just continue to learn from the people around me, and wait until someone (or something) worth fighting for comes along.