I honestly feel like
I am losing my mind.
I don't feel like going through this anymore.
I don't like to go through the day because I just waste time sleeping and taking more medicine and drinking more liquid and peeing it all out and sometimes throwing up,just to get to the time where I can start to fall asleep.
And then I lay in bed,sometimes for hours,just staring at my tv,waiting for a phone call,or for one of my parents to get up to check on me,just so I'm not anxious and bored.
Nick called me last night and it was nice to talk to him again.He is a sweetheart and I enjoy hearing about life in Georgia because it seems much more interesting than freaking Ohio.
Then Shawn called and I always like talking to him as well.
I fell asleep around 4 because my dizziness overtook me and I started to freak out,so I took my medicine that makes me drowsy and prayed that it would knock me out.
I tried to go to school today.
Mom took me in at 10.
We went to the clinic and talked to Mrs. McKinley [I'm going to start referring to her as Mrs. M,because I don't feel like taking the time to type out her name.Plus I don't know if I spelled it correctly and that bothers me.] and I always love that.She is the school nurse on Mondays,Tuesdays and Fridays,and Mrs. Rhoads is there Weds&Thurs.I know them both quite well,seeing as how I always end up in there at least once a week.
Mrs. M I've known since elementary school,so I trust her a lot.
She's one of the people that understand that people have problems and not everyone lives in a little cookie cutter world,no matter how much it seems like that's the case.
Take for example,me.
Yeah,I sound selfish talking about myself,but I just read a book and I'm feeling in the mood to write,and I've spent a lot of time with myself lately to figure things out,so I'm going to talk about myself some more. :]
Okay so,back to making an example out of myself.
Okay like,just then.Because I didn't spell myself right,I had to go back and delete it and type it all over again. [I just did it with over too,ugh.]
When my anxiety's really bad,like now,I get all weird with things that I touch or type.It's really annoying if you ask me.
But,back to the example.Oh my lord,my mind is going at like,4598756 miles an hour right now.
Um yeah,like,I've had anxiety for over a year,and it only really got "bad" to the point where I can't function without taking drops or herbal pills [that are supposed to make me calm,and they do,but they all make me feel full,and my stomach poofs out,and I look fat] only like,a little while ago.
It's like it comes and goes.
If I'm at work running around or talking on the phone it doesn't really bother me.
But if I'm sitting in a class or walking through a hall or just sitting at home it really catches up to me.
It's not like I start twitching or anything like that,I just start getting sweaty and my heart starts racing and I start getting lightheaded to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out so I sit up and start drinking water or if I'm in class I normally ask to go to the bathroom.
It's just annoying and I'm sick of it.
I wish I never would of gotten it.
But I guess that was the luck I received.
But it could be worse you know,and I do realize that.
No matter how selfish and bratty this entry seems,you probably haven't even read all of this and if you have,I applaud you,I do understand that some have it worse.
Actually,A LOT have it worse.
Like today in the clinic,I was there from like,10-1:15ish,so I saw a lot of people go in and out of there.
But anyways,this kid with autism came in,and I don't really understand autism,but I understand somewhat.
And he just came right up to me in my chair and started touching my hands and looking at them like there was gold on them or something.
Then he asked me what I had wrong with me,why I felt sick,and I replyed with the fact that I was dizzy.
He patted my head and back and told me to feel better,then went on to go touch Mrs. M's desk and her Garfield calander,and it seemed to make him happy,just,touching things.
I wish I was like that sometimes,just content being simple.
Not saying he's simple minded,he actually seems to be a genius from what I hear,but,you get what I'm saying.
At least I hope you do.
Because if not,then this whole thing probably seems like nonsense babble and you're probably wanting to pull out your eyes from wasting time reading this,but I also hope that it's like a car wreck to you,where you can't look away.
Idk,just saying.
Anyways.
I just feel inspired.
I randomly just went up to my room,originally to grab a bottle of drops sitting by my bed,and ended up reading 40 pages in this book.
And the way she wrote it seemed somewhat like this,so whatever.
Plus Katelyn is seriously inspiring me.
And Kenny too.
To pick apart my brain and get everything out.
Plus Melinda,my homeopathic doctor says that I have stress and emotions built up that I need to get out,so,here they are.
I realize this is seriously incredibly long,but,someday I hope to write a book and this will probably wind up being a chapter.
Yes,a chapter,because it's that long.
Also because I absolutely HATE when there's long chapters in books.
OMG I RAMBLE TOO MUCH.
Anyways,
I also saw Kyle today in the clinic.
I felt like it was my home,I kept going in and out to go to the bathroom,the commons and to fill up my water bottle.
Then that turned into discussions with two teachers,who by the way have been nothing but huge support systems through all of this,I need to still write them all thank you cards.
But that's beyond the point.
Kyle.
Okay,um,mom was still there.
He came in to get snacks,he has diabetes.
Again,I could have it worse. ^^
But yeah,he hugged me and said hi to mom and it made me feel better to see him.
I consider him one of my good guy friends and I really love talking to him.
We just had a good talk as well.
Anyways,
I ended up telling Mrs. M a lot today.
James and Kathy came up.
I got that sick feeling in my stomach,like,the pit at the bottom of it.
It stayed for a while,but anyways.
We also discussed Kyle,other boys,her son,my family,my sickness,and other random topics.
She's like my mom at school.
I really love the comfort of knowing that even if i have a fight with one of my parents before school starts or something more serious,like how I felt today,she's there.
In that cozy,jerm-filled room,waiting with a chair or a cot with my name on it,crackers,water,and kleenex sitting there.
Alright well,I realize this is really long,but I have two more things to get off my chest.
Okay,three,I lied.
It really pissed me off that Melinda got into my emotional past.
Of course I'm not going to want to sit there and spill my heart out,especially with my mom sitting there,already in tears.
It's bad enough that I have been "hiding" something,as she puts it,but for her to go and dig it up.
It's like this thing dad and I saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not! today.
How these old,sun dried men in India I believe it was,dig up dead bodies and burn them,then rub the ashes all over their body,to make them feel protected and stuff.
It's like that.
My emotional past are those dead bodies.
It'd feel good to burn them,not to rub them on anyone,but to just burn them,and be done with them.
But I can't very well do that now can I?
Also,
I hate the fucking hospital.
I think that was the first time I cussed in this,and it was only to express the deep hatred I have for that hell hole.
Yes,I realize it's a necessity sometimes and it makes people better,but it also scares the living hell out of me.
From having my boobs exposed on the bed to having needles jabbed into me,it just sucks.
But when I need it,I like that it's there for me.
Like a therapist almost,they make you scared and nervous and pissed and upset,but sometimes,you just need one.
If you've gotten this far I'm sure you think I need one.
So does my mother.
So go call her and set up an appointment,I know it's coming anyways.
They'll ask me questions,and like in the book I began reading,I'll just sit there.
Like a stubborn little brat.
I don't even care.
They can just shove it. :]
Except I just got done telling Kate that I want to be one.
But a cool one,that talks like this,and how I was with her.
Not the nervous kind that wears business suits and makes you lay on a couch.
Unless you really want to,because then it would be there for you.
Like a future Mrs. M
:D
Okay,that makes me miss Kim.
UGH.I HATE CHANGE SOMETIMES.
Today I really was proud of myself.
I went in and told Sarah,or Miss Detrick,excuse me :],that I couldn't do the show.
It's just too much on me right now,and I don't have enough time,I need to focus on my health and my school.
She understood,hugged me,teared up,blew me a kiss,then I went into the costume shop,buried my head in Becci's shoulder,which,by the way,makes me feel really comforted,and just burst into tears.
Then Catie came and started rubbing my back,which also is comforting.
I felt horrible.
Like i was not only letting the whole company down,but myself as well.
I've worked so hard on being able to be called a good actress and to get good roles,like the one I was offered,and I had to just,flush it down the toilet.
It felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach.
I have been involved in every show since freshman year,that's 12? shows so far I believe,and never have I once had to give up a role.
I've gone on no matter how sick I was.
But this is just too much right now for me to handle,I mean,look at me.
I am a mess.
I literally am probably legally insane.
But as Katelyn and I agreed,insanity is beautiful.
Normal is never beautiful,plus there technically is no "normal".
Omg,okay,onto the last topic.
I seriously have been so blessed with my two best friends.
They are literally what keep me going.
They keep me wanting to wake up and keep going through all this medicial shit.
I honestly would be so fucking lost without them.
You honestly have no idea.
They do complete me,they're everything I'm not,they're the missing pieces to me.
And no one could EVER compare to how they are with me.
They literally are like,the fudge rounds and coke to my world.
And they know what I mean.
They are my strength when I am weak,which is a lot of the time.
But still,they never give up on me.
No matter how much I bitch,like right now,and ramble,like right now,they still laugh with me and tell me I'm normal and that I'm going to be okay.
Alright,I am finally done.
Go pee now and eat because I know you've been holding all of that in while you watching my little car wreck here :]
PS.
I really miss having Nick Aiello as my best friend.
And Stephen.
They were amazing.
And I let them go.
And I hate myself for that.
Alright,:],done.
I don't feel like going through this anymore.
I don't like to go through the day because I just waste time sleeping and taking more medicine and drinking more liquid and peeing it all out and sometimes throwing up,just to get to the time where I can start to fall asleep.
And then I lay in bed,sometimes for hours,just staring at my tv,waiting for a phone call,or for one of my parents to get up to check on me,just so I'm not anxious and bored.
Nick called me last night and it was nice to talk to him again.He is a sweetheart and I enjoy hearing about life in Georgia because it seems much more interesting than freaking Ohio.
Then Shawn called and I always like talking to him as well.
I fell asleep around 4 because my dizziness overtook me and I started to freak out,so I took my medicine that makes me drowsy and prayed that it would knock me out.
I tried to go to school today.
Mom took me in at 10.
We went to the clinic and talked to Mrs. McKinley [I'm going to start referring to her as Mrs. M,because I don't feel like taking the time to type out her name.Plus I don't know if I spelled it correctly and that bothers me.] and I always love that.She is the school nurse on Mondays,Tuesdays and Fridays,and Mrs. Rhoads is there Weds&Thurs.I know them both quite well,seeing as how I always end up in there at least once a week.
Mrs. M I've known since elementary school,so I trust her a lot.
She's one of the people that understand that people have problems and not everyone lives in a little cookie cutter world,no matter how much it seems like that's the case.
Take for example,me.
Yeah,I sound selfish talking about myself,but I just read a book and I'm feeling in the mood to write,and I've spent a lot of time with myself lately to figure things out,so I'm going to talk about myself some more. :]
Okay so,back to making an example out of myself.
Okay like,just then.Because I didn't spell myself right,I had to go back and delete it and type it all over again. [I just did it with over too,ugh.]
When my anxiety's really bad,like now,I get all weird with things that I touch or type.It's really annoying if you ask me.
But,back to the example.Oh my lord,my mind is going at like,4598756 miles an hour right now.
Um yeah,like,I've had anxiety for over a year,and it only really got "bad" to the point where I can't function without taking drops or herbal pills [that are supposed to make me calm,and they do,but they all make me feel full,and my stomach poofs out,and I look fat] only like,a little while ago.
It's like it comes and goes.
If I'm at work running around or talking on the phone it doesn't really bother me.
But if I'm sitting in a class or walking through a hall or just sitting at home it really catches up to me.
It's not like I start twitching or anything like that,I just start getting sweaty and my heart starts racing and I start getting lightheaded to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out so I sit up and start drinking water or if I'm in class I normally ask to go to the bathroom.
It's just annoying and I'm sick of it.
I wish I never would of gotten it.
But I guess that was the luck I received.
But it could be worse you know,and I do realize that.
No matter how selfish and bratty this entry seems,you probably haven't even read all of this and if you have,I applaud you,I do understand that some have it worse.
Actually,A LOT have it worse.
Like today in the clinic,I was there from like,10-1:15ish,so I saw a lot of people go in and out of there.
But anyways,this kid with autism came in,and I don't really understand autism,but I understand somewhat.
And he just came right up to me in my chair and started touching my hands and looking at them like there was gold on them or something.
Then he asked me what I had wrong with me,why I felt sick,and I replyed with the fact that I was dizzy.
He patted my head and back and told me to feel better,then went on to go touch Mrs. M's desk and her Garfield calander,and it seemed to make him happy,just,touching things.
I wish I was like that sometimes,just content being simple.
Not saying he's simple minded,he actually seems to be a genius from what I hear,but,you get what I'm saying.
At least I hope you do.
Because if not,then this whole thing probably seems like nonsense babble and you're probably wanting to pull out your eyes from wasting time reading this,but I also hope that it's like a car wreck to you,where you can't look away.
Idk,just saying.
Anyways.
I just feel inspired.
I randomly just went up to my room,originally to grab a bottle of drops sitting by my bed,and ended up reading 40 pages in this book.
And the way she wrote it seemed somewhat like this,so whatever.
Plus Katelyn is seriously inspiring me.
And Kenny too.
To pick apart my brain and get everything out.
Plus Melinda,my homeopathic doctor says that I have stress and emotions built up that I need to get out,so,here they are.
I realize this is seriously incredibly long,but,someday I hope to write a book and this will probably wind up being a chapter.
Yes,a chapter,because it's that long.
Also because I absolutely HATE when there's long chapters in books.
OMG I RAMBLE TOO MUCH.
Anyways,
I also saw Kyle today in the clinic.
I felt like it was my home,I kept going in and out to go to the bathroom,the commons and to fill up my water bottle.
Then that turned into discussions with two teachers,who by the way have been nothing but huge support systems through all of this,I need to still write them all thank you cards.
But that's beyond the point.
Kyle.
Okay,um,mom was still there.
He came in to get snacks,he has diabetes.
Again,I could have it worse. ^^
But yeah,he hugged me and said hi to mom and it made me feel better to see him.
I consider him one of my good guy friends and I really love talking to him.
We just had a good talk as well.
Anyways,
I ended up telling Mrs. M a lot today.
James and Kathy came up.
I got that sick feeling in my stomach,like,the pit at the bottom of it.
It stayed for a while,but anyways.
We also discussed Kyle,other boys,her son,my family,my sickness,and other random topics.
She's like my mom at school.
I really love the comfort of knowing that even if i have a fight with one of my parents before school starts or something more serious,like how I felt today,she's there.
In that cozy,jerm-filled room,waiting with a chair or a cot with my name on it,crackers,water,and kleenex sitting there.
Alright well,I realize this is really long,but I have two more things to get off my chest.
Okay,three,I lied.
It really pissed me off that Melinda got into my emotional past.
Of course I'm not going to want to sit there and spill my heart out,especially with my mom sitting there,already in tears.
It's bad enough that I have been "hiding" something,as she puts it,but for her to go and dig it up.
It's like this thing dad and I saw on Ripley's Believe It or Not! today.
How these old,sun dried men in India I believe it was,dig up dead bodies and burn them,then rub the ashes all over their body,to make them feel protected and stuff.
It's like that.
My emotional past are those dead bodies.
It'd feel good to burn them,not to rub them on anyone,but to just burn them,and be done with them.
But I can't very well do that now can I?
Also,
I hate the fucking hospital.
I think that was the first time I cussed in this,and it was only to express the deep hatred I have for that hell hole.
Yes,I realize it's a necessity sometimes and it makes people better,but it also scares the living hell out of me.
From having my boobs exposed on the bed to having needles jabbed into me,it just sucks.
But when I need it,I like that it's there for me.
Like a therapist almost,they make you scared and nervous and pissed and upset,but sometimes,you just need one.
If you've gotten this far I'm sure you think I need one.
So does my mother.
So go call her and set up an appointment,I know it's coming anyways.
They'll ask me questions,and like in the book I began reading,I'll just sit there.
Like a stubborn little brat.
I don't even care.
They can just shove it. :]
Except I just got done telling Kate that I want to be one.
But a cool one,that talks like this,and how I was with her.
Not the nervous kind that wears business suits and makes you lay on a couch.
Unless you really want to,because then it would be there for you.
Like a future Mrs. M
:D
Okay,that makes me miss Kim.
UGH.I HATE CHANGE SOMETIMES.
Today I really was proud of myself.
I went in and told Sarah,or Miss Detrick,excuse me :],that I couldn't do the show.
It's just too much on me right now,and I don't have enough time,I need to focus on my health and my school.
She understood,hugged me,teared up,blew me a kiss,then I went into the costume shop,buried my head in Becci's shoulder,which,by the way,makes me feel really comforted,and just burst into tears.
Then Catie came and started rubbing my back,which also is comforting.
I felt horrible.
Like i was not only letting the whole company down,but myself as well.
I've worked so hard on being able to be called a good actress and to get good roles,like the one I was offered,and I had to just,flush it down the toilet.
It felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach.
I have been involved in every show since freshman year,that's 12? shows so far I believe,and never have I once had to give up a role.
I've gone on no matter how sick I was.
But this is just too much right now for me to handle,I mean,look at me.
I am a mess.
I literally am probably legally insane.
But as Katelyn and I agreed,insanity is beautiful.
Normal is never beautiful,plus there technically is no "normal".
Omg,okay,onto the last topic.
I seriously have been so blessed with my two best friends.
They are literally what keep me going.
They keep me wanting to wake up and keep going through all this medicial shit.
I honestly would be so fucking lost without them.
You honestly have no idea.
They do complete me,they're everything I'm not,they're the missing pieces to me.
And no one could EVER compare to how they are with me.
They literally are like,the fudge rounds and coke to my world.
And they know what I mean.
They are my strength when I am weak,which is a lot of the time.
But still,they never give up on me.
No matter how much I bitch,like right now,and ramble,like right now,they still laugh with me and tell me I'm normal and that I'm going to be okay.
Alright,I am finally done.
Go pee now and eat because I know you've been holding all of that in while you watching my little car wreck here :]
PS.
I really miss having Nick Aiello as my best friend.
And Stephen.
They were amazing.
And I let them go.
And I hate myself for that.
Alright,:],done.