Changeless.
My heart feels like it may beat out of my chest right now. I'm not entirely sure why.
It's 1 AM. Christmas is on Monday. I leave on Wednesday afternoon. Why does it all still seem so far away? Sometimes I wonder...
Passing time surfing the Internet, playing Oblivion, playing with Molly. Not talking with Haley so much; he's either been at school, at work, or out watching movies. Maybe that's good, in a way, but I miss him. The more time I have alone, the more time I have to think.
Why am I even writing this here? I don't know. Something to do. I feel like it's been neglected lately. Like anyone reads this, anyway, except for the people intent on stirring everything up. Whatever, stir away.
Went out to dinner with Rick tonight. Very awkward. Well, at first it wasn't so bad, but then he started talking about everything, dragging himself (and thus me) down, and I saw yet again that he's still so emotionally raw. I want to help, but I don't know what to do. And it all comes back to me. I did it, it's my fault. But it would have happened anyway, right? I changed so much, and he barely changed at all. Or did we both change? Or maybe we're both exactly the same, but the world we find ourselves facing expects such different things from us now. I want to cradle him in my arms, tell him it will be okay without sending the wrong signals. I want to shake him and tell him to snap out of it without hurting him more. I want to make everything okay again. But even if I went running back to him, it wouldn't be okay. Not like back in high school, when things were so blissfully unimportant. So I'm forced to just sit on my hands and watch him in agony, realize it's my fault, realize I can't do anything.
And here I am, waiting up for Haley like I used to wait up for Rick. The world's biggest hypocrite. I realize that dwelling on it still won't change it, yet I find myself going back to it every time he IMs me, every time he calls me, wondering if I could have done anything different. I suppose it's an experience I can learn from. But at what cost? Was it worth it?
There were good times, too. It seems easy to forget those. I like to think we both learned a lot from each other, though maybe I'm just being overly optimistic. As I sit here and think on it, more comes back to me that I've tucked away: the stupid jokes that never got old, the ridiculous pet names, the Hallmark cards, the gaming sessions, senior Prom. And the little things, too: the day I wore his trenchcoat and got a nosebleed after school, the bus ride to New York, the time we got detentions from Mulvaney for kissing in the hall...
Let fondness be our souvenir.
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near.
Otherwise with no heart to recall,
A memory's just a memory after all.
It's 1 AM. Christmas is on Monday. I leave on Wednesday afternoon. Why does it all still seem so far away? Sometimes I wonder...
Passing time surfing the Internet, playing Oblivion, playing with Molly. Not talking with Haley so much; he's either been at school, at work, or out watching movies. Maybe that's good, in a way, but I miss him. The more time I have alone, the more time I have to think.
Why am I even writing this here? I don't know. Something to do. I feel like it's been neglected lately. Like anyone reads this, anyway, except for the people intent on stirring everything up. Whatever, stir away.
Went out to dinner with Rick tonight. Very awkward. Well, at first it wasn't so bad, but then he started talking about everything, dragging himself (and thus me) down, and I saw yet again that he's still so emotionally raw. I want to help, but I don't know what to do. And it all comes back to me. I did it, it's my fault. But it would have happened anyway, right? I changed so much, and he barely changed at all. Or did we both change? Or maybe we're both exactly the same, but the world we find ourselves facing expects such different things from us now. I want to cradle him in my arms, tell him it will be okay without sending the wrong signals. I want to shake him and tell him to snap out of it without hurting him more. I want to make everything okay again. But even if I went running back to him, it wouldn't be okay. Not like back in high school, when things were so blissfully unimportant. So I'm forced to just sit on my hands and watch him in agony, realize it's my fault, realize I can't do anything.
And here I am, waiting up for Haley like I used to wait up for Rick. The world's biggest hypocrite. I realize that dwelling on it still won't change it, yet I find myself going back to it every time he IMs me, every time he calls me, wondering if I could have done anything different. I suppose it's an experience I can learn from. But at what cost? Was it worth it?
There were good times, too. It seems easy to forget those. I like to think we both learned a lot from each other, though maybe I'm just being overly optimistic. As I sit here and think on it, more comes back to me that I've tucked away: the stupid jokes that never got old, the ridiculous pet names, the Hallmark cards, the gaming sessions, senior Prom. And the little things, too: the day I wore his trenchcoat and got a nosebleed after school, the bus ride to New York, the time we got detentions from Mulvaney for kissing in the hall...
Let fondness be our souvenir.
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near.
Otherwise with no heart to recall,
A memory's just a memory after all.