Things That I've Lost, Ch. 2 ( X/A, Drama AU )
Title: Things That I've Lost, Ch.2: Discoveries
Author: Loki Fox
Fandom: Btvs/Angel
Genre: Drama
Pairing: Xander/Angel
Rating: FRT-13
Warning(s): Language
Feedback: Seriously? Aren't all writers feedback whores?
Summary: Xander falls further and further down the rabbit hole.
A/N: I'm so happy with all the feedback I've gotten from readers so far. It really motivates me knowing that others out there are liking this story. On a side note, im glad to be done with the hospital setting. All mistakes are mine.
~Discoveries~
“…trauma…extensive damage….”
Ugh. What-where am I?
“Its’ possible…he’s very lucky...”
It’s so dark, why can’t I…
“That’s not good enough!”
Huh? Who…Angel?
“…sir, your partner may never...”
“…best doctor, what good are you if...”
Doctor? Oh. Oh! The hospital. Ok, now if I could just…
“Xander?”
Crap. Well, there goes that covert plan. I peek my right eye open slowly, hoping that somehow, if I wish for it hard enough he won’t be here…damn. Is there some clause somewhere that states my life can never go right?
“Xander?”
“Didn’t we already go over you not saying my name like that.” I say as I open both my eyes to throw a glare in for good measure. “Ack! Bright. Bright lights.” I clamp my eyes back shut. Great-blind and stuck with Blood for Brains.
“Better?”
I risk further blindage to see what he’s going on about. Oh. How’d he get to the light switch so-right, vampire. “Yeah, thanks.”
He smiles back from beside my bed. “ You’re welcome.”
A cough to my right reminds me of the fact that we’re not the only ones in the room. Wait a second, did this guy just see Angel do his little vampire disappearing act. Crap…
“Hey, you must be the doctor,” I say nervously. “ I bet you noticed how quickly my friend here just zipped across the room, impressive wasn’t it? He’s very light on his feet.”
“Xander…”
“He’s like a cat isn’t he? Or, uh, a ballerina.”
“Xander…”
“Ok, maybe not a ballerina. A riverdancer! That’s it, he’s…”
“He knows Xander.”
Huh? “Huh?”
“He knows I’m a vampire.”
“Thank God.” I exhale on a breath. “Wasn’t sure if I could recover after the notion of you in a tutu.”
Angel’s smile is mischievous. “You’d be surprised.”
“What?!” No way. I don’t believe it. “You’re pulling my leg.”
He shrugs back in answer, but its playful… and comfortable. Like it’s something we’ve done a million times before. A beat goes by before I realize that I’m grinning back at him. Oh my God. Are we…getting along? Okay, this is so very wrong, Angel and I don’t get along. We fight, bicker, and share a mutual and heated disliking. That’s normal. That’s who we are. We certainly don’t…get along. Something’s not right.
“You can stop doing that now, you don’t have to pretend we’re friends.” I say coldly. “I get it, you’re not Angelus.” That’s gotta be it right? He’s overcompensating to show that he’s not his darker half. Yeah…that’s gotta be right. I don’t know why, but that thought hurts for some reason.
Angel’s friendly demeanor disappears like quicksilver, burnt to cinders by the fire in his eyes. For a second, its nice, to see a glimmer of the Angel I know-until he grabs my hand.“ That’s not true dammit!” he shouts. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m a little scared. He looks furious. “I know I fucked things up… did things that I can’t take back.” His eyes hold me. “But I would never pretend about my feelings Xander…not for you…you know that.” My heart does a weird little clench that I can’t identify. “Or at least, you used to.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” I scream, breaking the eerie atmosphere of Angel’s words. A shattered look crosses his face as I pull my hand free. It’s enough to make my blood boil; the way he just seems to…deflate. “Stop it.” I push myself further into his space next to my bed. “Stop looking like everything I say means so much to you.”
He looks at me with such open hurt that I’m taken aback. “What you say means everything to me.”
“Don’t say that!”
“I’m sorry…” he whispers as he drops his gaze. “I don’t know how else to feel around you.”
“How about the same way you always do?” I reply coolly. “You know, the you that’s annoyed at the mere sight of me. The you that thinks I’m nothing more than a loser.” I harden my heart as he flinches. I feel like I should stop, but I can’t, even though the words hurt me too for some reason. “The you who doesn’t care about anything I have to say.” Why does my heart feel heavy? “The you who wouldn’t care one way or another if I just dropped dead in an...”
“Don’t.” I know better than anyone what he is, but I’ll never be used to it. His speed. The way time just seems to hiccup and in that instance he’s gone-displaced. His arms hold me tight as he buries his head in my shoulder. “Don’t you dare,” he mumbles brokenly.
“Angel?” my voice sounds tiny, a shadow given breath. My fists clench the back of his shirt and I feel something akin to familiarity slam into me. I pull him closer as a suppressed tremor rocks through him. I hold on only to ground myself from this sudden vertigo.
It’s a lie.
“I’ve been so lost Xander.” He squeezes me tighter as his voice dies off, “ever since…”
“Angel.” I whisper at his pause. I maneuver him so that were facing each other, its like my body is on autopilot as I run my hand under his chin, tilting his head up to look me in the eyes. “What’s going on?”
Angel stares back as if he’s just seeing me for the first time. The moment seems to go on forever. I feel nervous, like he’s unraveling me somehow. He pulls back with a gasp.
“Xander,” the voice to my right startles me, breaking the strange hush that seemed to fall over us. What am I doing? I push away from Angel. “I’m Dr. Reyes.” The forgotten doctor greats me as he draws closer. “I need you to think very clearly, Xander.” I feel like I’m being dissected as his sharp gaze focuses on me. “ What’s the last thing you remember?”
A cascade of images slams into my mind. I try to sort through them but its like trying to piece together a puzzle without knowing the picture. I feel like I’m sinking.
Willow?
“I…I’m not sure.” I say hollowly. Why can’t I…
“I need you to try and tell me.” Dr. Reyes says softly, “anything Xander, it doesn’t matter what it is.”
“There was a fight…” I look back to Angel. “With the mayor, Oz smashed his box” Everything comes crashing down. “Willow!” I shout as I grab Angel’s shoulders. Oh, no…
He only looks at me with an expression I can’t identify.
“Is she ok?!” Why can’t I remember what happened! She has to be all right.
He stares back at me unmoving, his eyes glassy, as if he’s checked out. No. She can’t be. I shake him furiously.
“Tell me dammit!”
“Angel,” Reyes lays his hand on Angel’s shoulder. He doesn’t get a response. “Xander,” the doctor says with…pity? He turns to me. “How old are you?”
“What?” I respond confused. “That’s not important. Listen, I need to know about my friend, she could be in here too, she’s…”
“How old Xander?” he interrupts.
“Would you just listen to me, I have to know…”
“How old?” He repeats with more force.
“Eighteen!” I shout frustrated. “I’m eighteen ok! Now would you just listen to me for a damn second.” The room goes eerily silent. “What?”
“Xander…” Angel whispers. “You’re twenty-four”
* * *
My eyes dance across the bricks of buildings and over the curve of passing cars as we fly down the street in Angel’s rusty black convertible. I ghost a hand over my face. Nothing. It’s still there when my palm moves away-this reality.
Six years.
Three in a coma and three in a life I can’t remember. Gone. I don’t know which is worse. I look to Angel, not the Angel I know, but the one that’s here with me now. The one who hasn’t said a word since we left-he won’t even look at me. Not really. It’s so different from how he was before, back there, I should be happy… it’s what I wanted right? For him to just leave me alone.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I can buy porn. The thought doesn’t fill me with the excitement it should. It sort of just slips into my mind and hangs there as we pass a place with glaring red lights; XXX they read. I slide my eyes away from the glaring harshness.
I’m not a kid anymore.
Willow, Buffy, Oz…Cordy. None of them are. I look back to Angel. Will they all be as different as him? Is that what I have to look forward to now, strangers in familiar faces.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror but force my eyes to focus on Angel instead. I don’t…I don’t want to know how different I am-how different any of them are. I’m not ready. Not yet.
At least…at least he still looks the same.
* * *
The convertible comes to stop outside a very dark and looming building, it looks like it might have been a nice place once. Before. Now it just looks decrepit and lonely, like it hasn’t been taken care of in a long time. I look back over to my stoic chauffeur-yeah, its gotta be Angel’s. Seconds drag into minutes that seem to stretch on for hours as we sit here in silence, just the two of us, illuminated by only the fuzzy glow of a flickering streetlight. Which is more of a problem for me than him I suppose, but things have never been equal between us anyways.
He starts to say something but stops when I turn to him. He looks horrible. Like all the strength has been drained out of him somehow. He smiles at me, but it’s missing the glow that it had before, and even though the newness, and ok, freakiness, of Angelsmiles are a startling concept for me. I find myself wanting to see him smile like he was back in the hospital. He looks away and begins to turn the car handle.
“Thanks.” It comes out as a whisper. One I expect not even him to pick up. Angel wouldn’t be Angel though if it didn’t include making my life more complicated. He shuts the door and turns back to me with a confused expression.
“Huh?”
“Thanks.” I repeat louder, still slightly unsure of what I’m doing. “You know, for getting me out of there.”
“They’ll still want to do tests.” It sounds like an apology somehow.
“I know, I just…”
“…had to get out of there.” He finishes with a knowing smirk that makes causes me to chuckle.
“Yeah, hospitals…:
“Give you the creeps.”
“OK…” my tongue drags the letters out. “You have to stop doing that.”
“Sorry,” he replies sheepishly.
A beat goes by. And another. Our nice little conversation sinking further and further away. Back into that uncomfortable little pit we seemed to be making such nifty progress with.
“I can’t believe we’re friends.” I choke out when I can’t think of anything to say.
“What?”
“Friends.” I say slowly, realizing I’ve hurt his feelings, which, by the way, is not getting any less weird-the fact that I can do that to him. “I mean, we are friends, “ I continue, “or something?” I smile goofily at his unreadable stare, unsure if I’m saying this right. “Since you’ve got the whole mind-meld thing going on, finishing my sentences and stuff. That’s a friend thing right?”
“Right.” He says but that look is still there. “ Friends.”
He gets out of the car.
“Hey!” I scream out my window as he comes around the side.
“Well.” He says with a crooked grin that causes me to draw back. “You going to just sit there all night or what?”
I give him an odd look but get out of the car. He smiles as I climb the few short stairs to the landing he’s standing on. It’s a poor imitation of one of his ‘real’ smiles but it’s a lot better than that broken down thing from earlier.
It’s a start.
A shiver runs down my spine as he pushes one of the heavy doors at the landing open. A blast of must hits my nose as we step into the dark lit room and even though it doesn’t smell particularly nice, like something that needs a good airing out. It… feels right somehow. I turn to Angel to ask him about it but my words fall short at the peaceful expression on his face.
“Welcome home Xander.”
Author: Loki Fox
Fandom: Btvs/Angel
Genre: Drama
Pairing: Xander/Angel
Rating: FRT-13
Warning(s): Language
Feedback: Seriously? Aren't all writers feedback whores?
Summary: Xander falls further and further down the rabbit hole.
A/N: I'm so happy with all the feedback I've gotten from readers so far. It really motivates me knowing that others out there are liking this story. On a side note, im glad to be done with the hospital setting. All mistakes are mine.
~Discoveries~
“…trauma…extensive damage….”
Ugh. What-where am I?
“Its’ possible…he’s very lucky...”
It’s so dark, why can’t I…
“That’s not good enough!”
Huh? Who…Angel?
“…sir, your partner may never...”
“…best doctor, what good are you if...”
Doctor? Oh. Oh! The hospital. Ok, now if I could just…
“Xander?”
Crap. Well, there goes that covert plan. I peek my right eye open slowly, hoping that somehow, if I wish for it hard enough he won’t be here…damn. Is there some clause somewhere that states my life can never go right?
“Xander?”
“Didn’t we already go over you not saying my name like that.” I say as I open both my eyes to throw a glare in for good measure. “Ack! Bright. Bright lights.” I clamp my eyes back shut. Great-blind and stuck with Blood for Brains.
“Better?”
I risk further blindage to see what he’s going on about. Oh. How’d he get to the light switch so-right, vampire. “Yeah, thanks.”
He smiles back from beside my bed. “ You’re welcome.”
A cough to my right reminds me of the fact that we’re not the only ones in the room. Wait a second, did this guy just see Angel do his little vampire disappearing act. Crap…
“Hey, you must be the doctor,” I say nervously. “ I bet you noticed how quickly my friend here just zipped across the room, impressive wasn’t it? He’s very light on his feet.”
“Xander…”
“He’s like a cat isn’t he? Or, uh, a ballerina.”
“Xander…”
“Ok, maybe not a ballerina. A riverdancer! That’s it, he’s…”
“He knows Xander.”
Huh? “Huh?”
“He knows I’m a vampire.”
“Thank God.” I exhale on a breath. “Wasn’t sure if I could recover after the notion of you in a tutu.”
Angel’s smile is mischievous. “You’d be surprised.”
“What?!” No way. I don’t believe it. “You’re pulling my leg.”
He shrugs back in answer, but its playful… and comfortable. Like it’s something we’ve done a million times before. A beat goes by before I realize that I’m grinning back at him. Oh my God. Are we…getting along? Okay, this is so very wrong, Angel and I don’t get along. We fight, bicker, and share a mutual and heated disliking. That’s normal. That’s who we are. We certainly don’t…get along. Something’s not right.
“You can stop doing that now, you don’t have to pretend we’re friends.” I say coldly. “I get it, you’re not Angelus.” That’s gotta be it right? He’s overcompensating to show that he’s not his darker half. Yeah…that’s gotta be right. I don’t know why, but that thought hurts for some reason.
Angel’s friendly demeanor disappears like quicksilver, burnt to cinders by the fire in his eyes. For a second, its nice, to see a glimmer of the Angel I know-until he grabs my hand.“ That’s not true dammit!” he shouts. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m a little scared. He looks furious. “I know I fucked things up… did things that I can’t take back.” His eyes hold me. “But I would never pretend about my feelings Xander…not for you…you know that.” My heart does a weird little clench that I can’t identify. “Or at least, you used to.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” I scream, breaking the eerie atmosphere of Angel’s words. A shattered look crosses his face as I pull my hand free. It’s enough to make my blood boil; the way he just seems to…deflate. “Stop it.” I push myself further into his space next to my bed. “Stop looking like everything I say means so much to you.”
He looks at me with such open hurt that I’m taken aback. “What you say means everything to me.”
“Don’t say that!”
“I’m sorry…” he whispers as he drops his gaze. “I don’t know how else to feel around you.”
“How about the same way you always do?” I reply coolly. “You know, the you that’s annoyed at the mere sight of me. The you that thinks I’m nothing more than a loser.” I harden my heart as he flinches. I feel like I should stop, but I can’t, even though the words hurt me too for some reason. “The you who doesn’t care about anything I have to say.” Why does my heart feel heavy? “The you who wouldn’t care one way or another if I just dropped dead in an...”
“Don’t.” I know better than anyone what he is, but I’ll never be used to it. His speed. The way time just seems to hiccup and in that instance he’s gone-displaced. His arms hold me tight as he buries his head in my shoulder. “Don’t you dare,” he mumbles brokenly.
“Angel?” my voice sounds tiny, a shadow given breath. My fists clench the back of his shirt and I feel something akin to familiarity slam into me. I pull him closer as a suppressed tremor rocks through him. I hold on only to ground myself from this sudden vertigo.
It’s a lie.
“I’ve been so lost Xander.” He squeezes me tighter as his voice dies off, “ever since…”
“Angel.” I whisper at his pause. I maneuver him so that were facing each other, its like my body is on autopilot as I run my hand under his chin, tilting his head up to look me in the eyes. “What’s going on?”
Angel stares back as if he’s just seeing me for the first time. The moment seems to go on forever. I feel nervous, like he’s unraveling me somehow. He pulls back with a gasp.
“Xander,” the voice to my right startles me, breaking the strange hush that seemed to fall over us. What am I doing? I push away from Angel. “I’m Dr. Reyes.” The forgotten doctor greats me as he draws closer. “I need you to think very clearly, Xander.” I feel like I’m being dissected as his sharp gaze focuses on me. “ What’s the last thing you remember?”
A cascade of images slams into my mind. I try to sort through them but its like trying to piece together a puzzle without knowing the picture. I feel like I’m sinking.
Willow?
“I…I’m not sure.” I say hollowly. Why can’t I…
“I need you to try and tell me.” Dr. Reyes says softly, “anything Xander, it doesn’t matter what it is.”
“There was a fight…” I look back to Angel. “With the mayor, Oz smashed his box” Everything comes crashing down. “Willow!” I shout as I grab Angel’s shoulders. Oh, no…
He only looks at me with an expression I can’t identify.
“Is she ok?!” Why can’t I remember what happened! She has to be all right.
He stares back at me unmoving, his eyes glassy, as if he’s checked out. No. She can’t be. I shake him furiously.
“Tell me dammit!”
“Angel,” Reyes lays his hand on Angel’s shoulder. He doesn’t get a response. “Xander,” the doctor says with…pity? He turns to me. “How old are you?”
“What?” I respond confused. “That’s not important. Listen, I need to know about my friend, she could be in here too, she’s…”
“How old Xander?” he interrupts.
“Would you just listen to me, I have to know…”
“How old?” He repeats with more force.
“Eighteen!” I shout frustrated. “I’m eighteen ok! Now would you just listen to me for a damn second.” The room goes eerily silent. “What?”
“Xander…” Angel whispers. “You’re twenty-four”
* * *
My eyes dance across the bricks of buildings and over the curve of passing cars as we fly down the street in Angel’s rusty black convertible. I ghost a hand over my face. Nothing. It’s still there when my palm moves away-this reality.
Six years.
Three in a coma and three in a life I can’t remember. Gone. I don’t know which is worse. I look to Angel, not the Angel I know, but the one that’s here with me now. The one who hasn’t said a word since we left-he won’t even look at me. Not really. It’s so different from how he was before, back there, I should be happy… it’s what I wanted right? For him to just leave me alone.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I can buy porn. The thought doesn’t fill me with the excitement it should. It sort of just slips into my mind and hangs there as we pass a place with glaring red lights; XXX they read. I slide my eyes away from the glaring harshness.
I’m not a kid anymore.
Willow, Buffy, Oz…Cordy. None of them are. I look back to Angel. Will they all be as different as him? Is that what I have to look forward to now, strangers in familiar faces.
I catch a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror but force my eyes to focus on Angel instead. I don’t…I don’t want to know how different I am-how different any of them are. I’m not ready. Not yet.
At least…at least he still looks the same.
* * *
The convertible comes to stop outside a very dark and looming building, it looks like it might have been a nice place once. Before. Now it just looks decrepit and lonely, like it hasn’t been taken care of in a long time. I look back over to my stoic chauffeur-yeah, its gotta be Angel’s. Seconds drag into minutes that seem to stretch on for hours as we sit here in silence, just the two of us, illuminated by only the fuzzy glow of a flickering streetlight. Which is more of a problem for me than him I suppose, but things have never been equal between us anyways.
He starts to say something but stops when I turn to him. He looks horrible. Like all the strength has been drained out of him somehow. He smiles at me, but it’s missing the glow that it had before, and even though the newness, and ok, freakiness, of Angelsmiles are a startling concept for me. I find myself wanting to see him smile like he was back in the hospital. He looks away and begins to turn the car handle.
“Thanks.” It comes out as a whisper. One I expect not even him to pick up. Angel wouldn’t be Angel though if it didn’t include making my life more complicated. He shuts the door and turns back to me with a confused expression.
“Huh?”
“Thanks.” I repeat louder, still slightly unsure of what I’m doing. “You know, for getting me out of there.”
“They’ll still want to do tests.” It sounds like an apology somehow.
“I know, I just…”
“…had to get out of there.” He finishes with a knowing smirk that makes causes me to chuckle.
“Yeah, hospitals…:
“Give you the creeps.”
“OK…” my tongue drags the letters out. “You have to stop doing that.”
“Sorry,” he replies sheepishly.
A beat goes by. And another. Our nice little conversation sinking further and further away. Back into that uncomfortable little pit we seemed to be making such nifty progress with.
“I can’t believe we’re friends.” I choke out when I can’t think of anything to say.
“What?”
“Friends.” I say slowly, realizing I’ve hurt his feelings, which, by the way, is not getting any less weird-the fact that I can do that to him. “I mean, we are friends, “ I continue, “or something?” I smile goofily at his unreadable stare, unsure if I’m saying this right. “Since you’ve got the whole mind-meld thing going on, finishing my sentences and stuff. That’s a friend thing right?”
“Right.” He says but that look is still there. “ Friends.”
He gets out of the car.
“Hey!” I scream out my window as he comes around the side.
“Well.” He says with a crooked grin that causes me to draw back. “You going to just sit there all night or what?”
I give him an odd look but get out of the car. He smiles as I climb the few short stairs to the landing he’s standing on. It’s a poor imitation of one of his ‘real’ smiles but it’s a lot better than that broken down thing from earlier.
It’s a start.
A shiver runs down my spine as he pushes one of the heavy doors at the landing open. A blast of must hits my nose as we step into the dark lit room and even though it doesn’t smell particularly nice, like something that needs a good airing out. It… feels right somehow. I turn to Angel to ask him about it but my words fall short at the peaceful expression on his face.
“Welcome home Xander.”