That review, Part 1
I didn't actually get round to watching the film again last night so I've only written this today. The problem is, I can't actually review the movie in print, since I'm not sure how to type the sound of a brain shutting down in self defence, so I'll do something better, I'll give you an overview of the whole film!
So, the movie in question revels in the high-class name of Robo Vampire, you'd probably assume that the film featured a robot vampire of some sort, with a name like that but no, no robot vampires here. Robots? Sort of. Vampires? And ghosts, no less. Plot? Um.....
Y'know the phenomenon of movies being so bad that they somehow loop around to comedy gold? Well this film is sort of like one of them. It hurtled past the comedy gold point, however, and nearly managed to go all the way back to crap. Luckily, the film veers away from all conventional standards of good and bad and becomes the sort of movie that Mystery Science Theatre 3000 would refuse to show because they'd lose their voices from heckling it so much. Mark and I were often reduced to shouting at the screen simply to avoid having to think about what was supposed to be going on.
The film starts reasonably enough; a couple of grunts are wandering through a pile of crates and a few shacks in the middle of a jungle when the first heroic grunt craps himself at the sight of a snake sunning itself on top of a crate. Now, like any well trained navy seal, he opens up on it with an automatic rifle and misses, heroically. A second snake, clearly with access to a small trampoline, comes flying out of the crate and sits for a moment, stunned by the impact. The other grunt, who has taken at least a single shooting lesson in his life, blows the poor bugger to pieces. Little do the two of them realise that stupid grunt #1 has knocked the top off a coffin, lying conspicuously on the ground. This is, more or less, the point the film stops making sense.
Issuing forth from his disturbed coffin is a chinese hopping vampire! The vampire hops, slowly and menacingly (ish) towards the two grunts, eventually catching the one prone to falling over and throttling him until his eyes bleed. The other grunt, meanwhile, has a tracksuit wearing kung-fu guard to contend with, who leaps into shot from an undisclosed location. Eventually the vampire rips a frigging gigantic hunk of flesh out of the second grunt and chews it up while the opening credits roll.
After the credits we follow a guy with curly hair for a bit while various lackies run up to him, accompany him for a bit then sod off. Finally, he speaks to one of them, setting up the basic premise of the movie for us:
Mr Yung: We must find a way to deal with Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent!
Lacky: What are your plans, boss?
Mr. Young: Don't worry, I've hired a Taoist. He'll train vampires to deal with him!
So, Mr Yung, who is probably a drug lord, has hired a vampire controlling monk to deal with a cop. See, perfectly sensible. Oddly, this film doesn't appear to have a native lanuage track so we're stuck with the bad dubbing, which is exceptionally bad, with some lines ending before the characters lips actually start to move. Mr Yung then sends a lacky in a tracksuit to feed the vampires. This isn't a euphemism for having him executed, by the way, he's really has been sent downstairs to feed the vampires.
The following scene is the obligatory slapstick skit found in most Hong Kong films, with the lacky, who is terrified of the vampires, asking them for blessings, falling over things and calling out for another guy who is supposed to be down there. A couple of vampires are lying in coffins while the rest are lined up at the side of the room with sutras pinned to their foreheads to keep them asleep. Apparently vampires, even sleeping ones, are much like chickens and can be fed by throwing uncooked rice onto the floor in front of them. His co-worker sneaks up behind him at this point to scare him and complain about him throwing their lunch around (even though he appears to have a whole roast chicken to himself)
The guys start shifting some crates and stuffing bags of white powder into the coffins with the vampires (apparently they're being used as watchdogs for heroin as well as being out to get Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent) while the roast chicken guy (hardly and characters have the luxury of names in this movie) smokes a cigarette. Laying the cig down for a moment to shift a particularly heavy crate the roast chicken guy is confused to find his cigarette gone when he's done, but assumes his buddy has nicked it and jokes with him about it.
His buddy, however, is busy lighting a lamp above the vampires and pushes his crotch into the face of one of them as he reaches up to the lamp. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, they're asleep, after all but this vampire has a cigarette in its mouth, causing the terrified lacky to fall from a step and knock a coffin open. A vampire vacuums the chicken across the room, waking the second one, and much threatening hopping occurs. Thankfully, the Kung-Fu taoist turns up and beats on the vampires for a bit before putting them to sleep with more sutras. Turns out the heroin they were stuffing in the coffins was rice flour, causing the vampires to get pissed. Apparently the lackies will be in real trouble, but this is the last time we ever see them, so whatever happens to them it's probably not important.
The film randomly cuts to a police station (apparently there's going to be a drugs bust) then to Mr Yung telling another generic lacky that he'll be broadening his smuggling operation into body smuggling (I think they mean kidnapping, based on bits of the movie still to come.) At this point we cut to another bit of the movie, which appears to be set in South America. A woman in some sort of jungle prison camp is slitting open a cow (an actual, real cow) and putting large bags of white powder (more rice flour?!) in its body cavity. This is the first time we see what is, I belive, an entirely separate movie that has been spliced into Robo Vampire to pad the running time. The men outside the cow stuffer's prison cell have pyjama bottoms, oiled torsos and very long pony tails.
Cutting back to the first movie we find the taoist stuffing packets of white powder into a vampire's jacket (this time it's probably heroin, since the vampire doesn't go nuts) before announcing that his project is complete. A suited drug dealer and a frat-boy (yes, a frat boy, with a deep tan and a sweater saying he's on the racing team) demand to see the super vampire the taoist has created. It's a hopping vampire, in a gorilla mask. Apparently it's far stronger than a normal vampire and totally bulletproof (remember this, it'll be important later!)
Before the super vampire can strut its stuff, however, a caucasian chinese ghost turns up and interrupts things (that's a ghost in the style of A Chinese Ghost Story who happens to be caucasian, by the way) While displaying her nipples to the taoist through her gauzy top she explains that she is Christine and that the super vampire, who she calls a vampire beast, used to be her asian lover, Peter. The parents of the happy couple didn't like the idea of an interracial marriage though, so the couple agreed to kill themselves and be together in the afterlife. Seems the monk ruined this plan so now she's going to kick his arse. 'Course, the monk's pretty hard and he's got a super vampire to back him up. During the ensuing fight Peter, the vampire, spots a tattoo at the top of Christine's thigh and remembers who she is, prompting the guy in the suit to suggest the monk arrange a marriage for them, using his magical powers, so that the drug cartel can control them both.
Another ham-fisted cut brings us to a jeep driving along a dirt track with the monk in the back and armed guards walking alongside, it's the drugs bust!! Police begin shooting at the guards from ten meters away with automatic rifles, missing by a mile. The taoist takes cover and summons a vampire in goth makeup to attack one policeman followed by the super vampire to deal with, presumably, Tom (he hasn't actually been referred to by name yet) The goth vampire spits dust at his target, killing him and smearing him with bad makeup at the same time, while Peter, the super vampire, shoots tiny fireworks at Tom, also smearing him with bad makeup.
We now cut to a rather odd but clearly cutting edge surgery in time to watch a machine declare Tom dead (flashing green plus sign = alive, flashing red minus sign = dead) and to hear another classic line of the movie from an unnamed beardy cop: "Now that Tom's dead I want to use his body to create an android-like robot, I'd appreciate you approving my application." Of course, his plan is approved (and we discover that the dead guy was, indeed, Tom) so he brings Tom back to life by inserting a sparkler into his newly robotic bottom.
Now, I shall be wicked and indulge in a little bandwidth theft, just so you can compare the robot from the original cover art with the robot from the film itself:
The cover art
The 'robot'
See the uncanny resemblance?
Now, some brutal South American drug enforcers break into a church and demand to know where the drugs are before barging into the place and acidentally knocking over the cross, which is stuffed with heroin. They shoot the elderly priest and search the place, only to be attacked by a tall woman with long blond hair and a long blond assault rifle. While they miss her from ten paces with their assault rifles she leaps out of a window, transforming briefly into a short guy with grey hair and a moustache. The brutal enforcers capture her and take her to the jungle prison camp from earlier, where she is raped by an angry mechanic.
The man who approved the Androibot process (turning Tom into a silver polyester clad version of himself) walks into a prefab office with jungle outside and tells a man in a totally different office in the city that Sophie has been captured. The city office guy dismissed the other guy and telepathically contacts another guy in a third office elsewhere, hiring him and his special forces team (on the government's bill) to rescue Sophie. This is probably the most awfully cut scene in the entire movie, with no less than three locations coexisting rather uncomfortably.
If you've read this far I'm very impressed, I'll probably post part two of this if anybody asks me too but I harbour no illusions about the number of people that'll even read this far, let alone want to hear how the movie ends...
So, the movie in question revels in the high-class name of Robo Vampire, you'd probably assume that the film featured a robot vampire of some sort, with a name like that but no, no robot vampires here. Robots? Sort of. Vampires? And ghosts, no less. Plot? Um.....
Y'know the phenomenon of movies being so bad that they somehow loop around to comedy gold? Well this film is sort of like one of them. It hurtled past the comedy gold point, however, and nearly managed to go all the way back to crap. Luckily, the film veers away from all conventional standards of good and bad and becomes the sort of movie that Mystery Science Theatre 3000 would refuse to show because they'd lose their voices from heckling it so much. Mark and I were often reduced to shouting at the screen simply to avoid having to think about what was supposed to be going on.
The film starts reasonably enough; a couple of grunts are wandering through a pile of crates and a few shacks in the middle of a jungle when the first heroic grunt craps himself at the sight of a snake sunning itself on top of a crate. Now, like any well trained navy seal, he opens up on it with an automatic rifle and misses, heroically. A second snake, clearly with access to a small trampoline, comes flying out of the crate and sits for a moment, stunned by the impact. The other grunt, who has taken at least a single shooting lesson in his life, blows the poor bugger to pieces. Little do the two of them realise that stupid grunt #1 has knocked the top off a coffin, lying conspicuously on the ground. This is, more or less, the point the film stops making sense.
Issuing forth from his disturbed coffin is a chinese hopping vampire! The vampire hops, slowly and menacingly (ish) towards the two grunts, eventually catching the one prone to falling over and throttling him until his eyes bleed. The other grunt, meanwhile, has a tracksuit wearing kung-fu guard to contend with, who leaps into shot from an undisclosed location. Eventually the vampire rips a frigging gigantic hunk of flesh out of the second grunt and chews it up while the opening credits roll.
After the credits we follow a guy with curly hair for a bit while various lackies run up to him, accompany him for a bit then sod off. Finally, he speaks to one of them, setting up the basic premise of the movie for us:
Mr Yung: We must find a way to deal with Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent!
Lacky: What are your plans, boss?
Mr. Young: Don't worry, I've hired a Taoist. He'll train vampires to deal with him!
So, Mr Yung, who is probably a drug lord, has hired a vampire controlling monk to deal with a cop. See, perfectly sensible. Oddly, this film doesn't appear to have a native lanuage track so we're stuck with the bad dubbing, which is exceptionally bad, with some lines ending before the characters lips actually start to move. Mr Yung then sends a lacky in a tracksuit to feed the vampires. This isn't a euphemism for having him executed, by the way, he's really has been sent downstairs to feed the vampires.
The following scene is the obligatory slapstick skit found in most Hong Kong films, with the lacky, who is terrified of the vampires, asking them for blessings, falling over things and calling out for another guy who is supposed to be down there. A couple of vampires are lying in coffins while the rest are lined up at the side of the room with sutras pinned to their foreheads to keep them asleep. Apparently vampires, even sleeping ones, are much like chickens and can be fed by throwing uncooked rice onto the floor in front of them. His co-worker sneaks up behind him at this point to scare him and complain about him throwing their lunch around (even though he appears to have a whole roast chicken to himself)
The guys start shifting some crates and stuffing bags of white powder into the coffins with the vampires (apparently they're being used as watchdogs for heroin as well as being out to get Tom, that goddamn anti-drug agent) while the roast chicken guy (hardly and characters have the luxury of names in this movie) smokes a cigarette. Laying the cig down for a moment to shift a particularly heavy crate the roast chicken guy is confused to find his cigarette gone when he's done, but assumes his buddy has nicked it and jokes with him about it.
His buddy, however, is busy lighting a lamp above the vampires and pushes his crotch into the face of one of them as he reaches up to the lamp. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, they're asleep, after all but this vampire has a cigarette in its mouth, causing the terrified lacky to fall from a step and knock a coffin open. A vampire vacuums the chicken across the room, waking the second one, and much threatening hopping occurs. Thankfully, the Kung-Fu taoist turns up and beats on the vampires for a bit before putting them to sleep with more sutras. Turns out the heroin they were stuffing in the coffins was rice flour, causing the vampires to get pissed. Apparently the lackies will be in real trouble, but this is the last time we ever see them, so whatever happens to them it's probably not important.
The film randomly cuts to a police station (apparently there's going to be a drugs bust) then to Mr Yung telling another generic lacky that he'll be broadening his smuggling operation into body smuggling (I think they mean kidnapping, based on bits of the movie still to come.) At this point we cut to another bit of the movie, which appears to be set in South America. A woman in some sort of jungle prison camp is slitting open a cow (an actual, real cow) and putting large bags of white powder (more rice flour?!) in its body cavity. This is the first time we see what is, I belive, an entirely separate movie that has been spliced into Robo Vampire to pad the running time. The men outside the cow stuffer's prison cell have pyjama bottoms, oiled torsos and very long pony tails.
Cutting back to the first movie we find the taoist stuffing packets of white powder into a vampire's jacket (this time it's probably heroin, since the vampire doesn't go nuts) before announcing that his project is complete. A suited drug dealer and a frat-boy (yes, a frat boy, with a deep tan and a sweater saying he's on the racing team) demand to see the super vampire the taoist has created. It's a hopping vampire, in a gorilla mask. Apparently it's far stronger than a normal vampire and totally bulletproof (remember this, it'll be important later!)
Before the super vampire can strut its stuff, however, a caucasian chinese ghost turns up and interrupts things (that's a ghost in the style of A Chinese Ghost Story who happens to be caucasian, by the way) While displaying her nipples to the taoist through her gauzy top she explains that she is Christine and that the super vampire, who she calls a vampire beast, used to be her asian lover, Peter. The parents of the happy couple didn't like the idea of an interracial marriage though, so the couple agreed to kill themselves and be together in the afterlife. Seems the monk ruined this plan so now she's going to kick his arse. 'Course, the monk's pretty hard and he's got a super vampire to back him up. During the ensuing fight Peter, the vampire, spots a tattoo at the top of Christine's thigh and remembers who she is, prompting the guy in the suit to suggest the monk arrange a marriage for them, using his magical powers, so that the drug cartel can control them both.
Another ham-fisted cut brings us to a jeep driving along a dirt track with the monk in the back and armed guards walking alongside, it's the drugs bust!! Police begin shooting at the guards from ten meters away with automatic rifles, missing by a mile. The taoist takes cover and summons a vampire in goth makeup to attack one policeman followed by the super vampire to deal with, presumably, Tom (he hasn't actually been referred to by name yet) The goth vampire spits dust at his target, killing him and smearing him with bad makeup at the same time, while Peter, the super vampire, shoots tiny fireworks at Tom, also smearing him with bad makeup.
We now cut to a rather odd but clearly cutting edge surgery in time to watch a machine declare Tom dead (flashing green plus sign = alive, flashing red minus sign = dead) and to hear another classic line of the movie from an unnamed beardy cop: "Now that Tom's dead I want to use his body to create an android-like robot, I'd appreciate you approving my application." Of course, his plan is approved (and we discover that the dead guy was, indeed, Tom) so he brings Tom back to life by inserting a sparkler into his newly robotic bottom.
Now, I shall be wicked and indulge in a little bandwidth theft, just so you can compare the robot from the original cover art with the robot from the film itself:
The cover art
The 'robot'
See the uncanny resemblance?
Now, some brutal South American drug enforcers break into a church and demand to know where the drugs are before barging into the place and acidentally knocking over the cross, which is stuffed with heroin. They shoot the elderly priest and search the place, only to be attacked by a tall woman with long blond hair and a long blond assault rifle. While they miss her from ten paces with their assault rifles she leaps out of a window, transforming briefly into a short guy with grey hair and a moustache. The brutal enforcers capture her and take her to the jungle prison camp from earlier, where she is raped by an angry mechanic.
The man who approved the Androibot process (turning Tom into a silver polyester clad version of himself) walks into a prefab office with jungle outside and tells a man in a totally different office in the city that Sophie has been captured. The city office guy dismissed the other guy and telepathically contacts another guy in a third office elsewhere, hiring him and his special forces team (on the government's bill) to rescue Sophie. This is probably the most awfully cut scene in the entire movie, with no less than three locations coexisting rather uncomfortably.
If you've read this far I'm very impressed, I'll probably post part two of this if anybody asks me too but I harbour no illusions about the number of people that'll even read this far, let alone want to hear how the movie ends...