bored and lonely
Looking back I realize more and more how screwed up I've been due to the fact that I was not allowed to do so many things growing up. It seems too late to recover a lot of that. I don't regret getting married but I wish I would have had a chance to be independent, live and make my own decisions. That didn't seem attainable in my future either married or not, unless I had the strenght to just rebel and bring on all the drama associated with it. I wish I would have had a chance to just sit there, anywhere, at 9pm... 10... 11... 1am.... what the hell, just bunk on the couch.... no permission, no explanations, no "curfews," no phone calls, just do it. Randomn 1 minute encounters 90 miles a way, happy hour, movie nights, rollerblading, pool. I'm feeling so un-lived. I've found very good friends in my life but I'm that hole in the group picture. I wasn't there to be bound by those seemingly insignificant moments waiting in line at a movie theater or carpooling to the beach. Adding to that I am too old for the young and too young for the old. Too goody goody for booze-fest and too crazy for cocktails. I wonder if there's hope for me or if 20 years from now I'll look back longing for what could have been....