Breaking the Mirror or How to deal with fragmented emotions
Don't you love when the _____ or ______ titles don't make much sense? It's like the author is trying to imply that his/her article or post will be so mind-blowingly complex that you won't understand until after you read it. Sometime's they're right. No connection will be made this time or, at least, I have none planned.
1) How do you explain to someone that a Journal on the internet, shared with complete strangers is still private? I've tried this, apparently, to no avail. In my opinion, it's nice to tell someone about my life who is not physically a part of it. Who will not pass judgments on past actions or emotional blunders; who will offer advice on how to deal with situations or people simply because they are not in the situation and they do not know the people. It's freeing. It's wonderful. He still did not understand. Well, to be fair he understood the concept but disagreed.
Last night, my boyfriend found this journal. At the time, I thought it was funny. I made it a game (which he consequently cheated in). Either way, he's read it all now. I know it's not much--- but it's something. Now, I'm trying to wrestle with whether or not to make this post itself public so that he can say or Friend's Only. Already, I've changed how I feel about the situation to better convey it to him should he ever read this journal again. (Who knows--he might have been utterly bored by it-- that would be nice). The easy solution here would be to make everything "Friends only" and continue blogging but, is it what I want to do?
2) He says I need to open up to him more.
This bugs the hell out of me. Can't he see how much I've opened myself to him? More than I've ever opened up to anyone. Yet he is full of secrets. He tries to bullshit that he isn't but, he is and those secrets make me suspicious. He's good enough at hiding things that I won't find them or if I do find them I can't tell him that I've done so lest he begins to distrust me. It's a terrifying game I've begun to weave. I know this seems unhealthy here and maybe I am a bit but I have my reasons for my distrust. I know he's not my stepfather and I know that he did not mean some of the things he said, but, the fact is-- he said them (If he reads this anytime soon he'll probably needle me "What were they? What did I say?" because proof is needed for every emotion). Yep, too damn bad they're in my head now. Pretty sure they'll always be. I'm sick of the secrecy. He doesn't act like he has secrets but, c'mon. Sure, some of them I don't need to know, but the secrets that affect me? Those are important ones for me to know. I told him those that relate to him. No more beating around the bush with weak parries to my words. It's time to tell me.
1) How do you explain to someone that a Journal on the internet, shared with complete strangers is still private? I've tried this, apparently, to no avail. In my opinion, it's nice to tell someone about my life who is not physically a part of it. Who will not pass judgments on past actions or emotional blunders; who will offer advice on how to deal with situations or people simply because they are not in the situation and they do not know the people. It's freeing. It's wonderful. He still did not understand. Well, to be fair he understood the concept but disagreed.
Last night, my boyfriend found this journal. At the time, I thought it was funny. I made it a game (which he consequently cheated in). Either way, he's read it all now. I know it's not much--- but it's something. Now, I'm trying to wrestle with whether or not to make this post itself public so that he can say or Friend's Only. Already, I've changed how I feel about the situation to better convey it to him should he ever read this journal again. (Who knows--he might have been utterly bored by it-- that would be nice). The easy solution here would be to make everything "Friends only" and continue blogging but, is it what I want to do?
2) He says I need to open up to him more.
This bugs the hell out of me. Can't he see how much I've opened myself to him? More than I've ever opened up to anyone. Yet he is full of secrets. He tries to bullshit that he isn't but, he is and those secrets make me suspicious. He's good enough at hiding things that I won't find them or if I do find them I can't tell him that I've done so lest he begins to distrust me. It's a terrifying game I've begun to weave. I know this seems unhealthy here and maybe I am a bit but I have my reasons for my distrust. I know he's not my stepfather and I know that he did not mean some of the things he said, but, the fact is-- he said them (If he reads this anytime soon he'll probably needle me "What were they? What did I say?" because proof is needed for every emotion). Yep, too damn bad they're in my head now. Pretty sure they'll always be. I'm sick of the secrecy. He doesn't act like he has secrets but, c'mon. Sure, some of them I don't need to know, but the secrets that affect me? Those are important ones for me to know. I told him those that relate to him. No more beating around the bush with weak parries to my words. It's time to tell me.