Ashes… it tastes like ashes.
These last 6 weeks have been emotionally the hardest period of my life. A lot has been going on, but by far the worst was the break up with what is the love of my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing I have ever experienced before even remotely prepared me to deal with the events of the last couple of months. I have never been so in love in my life, nor have I been nearly as devestated at the way things have turned out. She loves me, and I her, but as it turns out, sometimes love is not enough.
It was not the right time. We were torn apart by health, personal demons and pressures that made it impossible to be together.
A day of watching her come back to finally move her stuff out, has ended with me looking at the empty spaces left behind, knowing that it couldn’t have been different. I have never given more, or tried harder, or found anything more worth figthing for. The simply truth is that it couldn’t work. Not at this time.
The empty spaces hurt.
They hurt because the love isn’t gone. I don’t think it’s going to go either. There is no hate, no anger, no recimination or blame that I have left in me. I know that I fought with sickness, not with a person. I knew that my enemy was timing, not someone’s actions. I also know that there’s nothing more that I could have done. The great and painful lesson here is that you can only help someone so much. They have to live their own lives and bear their own pain. …but knowing does not make the pain any less crippling.
No. The pain doesn’t fade either. You just get better at bearing it, you just get a little stronger, and maybe a little colder. You learn how to fill the emptiness with other things. A myriad of distractions though, could not this day lift me from this place. That will come, but not today, I fear.
All I can do is accept this and be thankful that for a time, I walked beside an angel, and pray that in time perhaps, I may one day walk with her again.
I choose to be thankful for the time that we were given, and shall try not to curse the time that we were not.