_hauntedhearts_ - i do believe i failed you
Lilly is dead. There. I've said it. Guess what? Saying it didn't make me feel any better like our school councillor, our "Grief" councillor, Miss James said that it would. "It's easy to start processing once you accept things, Logan." - Saying it didn't make it feel any more real or fake. It didn't make me feel much of anything anymore. Life is just a tornado of too much wind, anger and pain. I feel like I'm waiting for a moment. A fucking punchline. I'm waiting for Lilly to come out and for this all just to be some really fucked up stupid joke. I wouldn't even put it past her either.
Yeah, Lil, you've got my attention. You really think I forget her or that I'd need all this to prove that she was worth it. We were broken up but that wasn't going to last. She was going to crawl or she'd speak and I'd come crawling towards her. It usually worked that way. Lilly just got under skin. She was her and this was -
Truthfully, I feel like an idiot or like I wasted so much of just being with her. I know her response to that. I know that she'd tell me that I was an idiot. Especially after that letter I wrote her. For the past few days I've been plaguing her e-mail inbox with pointless e-mails. Today, they bounced. She always did forget to clean out her inbox.
I'm standing in the cemetery now and I will until I start believing that she could possibly be in that grave under my feet. I want to scream. I mean, c'mon. Lilly fucking Kane - girl wind whirl, peppiest pep squad girl, my girlfriend (she was still my girlfriend, goddammit) - cannot be dead.
I vaguely remember Veronica calling me. I vaguely remember the hysterical tears. I remember that shit. But I would have remembered - I would have felt the moment she left. I didn't... so she's just not. I've come to the conclusion that Lilly Kane just isn't gone.
Goddammit, Lilly. Why don't you stop jerking me around?
The first thing I did after V told me. The very first thing, in the moment that she made it become more real than it needed to be, was me heeling over and vomiting on my father's perfectly manicured grass. Relief, pain, too many things at once. So, you mean, she wasn't just playing hard to get by not returning my phone calls, Veronica?
Lilly's in the corner of my mind because everything's just fallen apart. Veronica and Duncan are the last ones to leave the graveside - they're the last ones to leave the glue behind. Even I told my dad to fuck off when he tried to take me home. Sorry, Trina couldn't make it, but she sent a bunch of Lilies. Her condolences, I guess.
"I would've gone with you, Lilly," I say to the empty space. "I would've gone with you."
Yeah, Lil, you've got my attention. You really think I forget her or that I'd need all this to prove that she was worth it. We were broken up but that wasn't going to last. She was going to crawl or she'd speak and I'd come crawling towards her. It usually worked that way. Lilly just got under skin. She was her and this was -
Truthfully, I feel like an idiot or like I wasted so much of just being with her. I know her response to that. I know that she'd tell me that I was an idiot. Especially after that letter I wrote her. For the past few days I've been plaguing her e-mail inbox with pointless e-mails. Today, they bounced. She always did forget to clean out her inbox.
I'm standing in the cemetery now and I will until I start believing that she could possibly be in that grave under my feet. I want to scream. I mean, c'mon. Lilly fucking Kane - girl wind whirl, peppiest pep squad girl, my girlfriend (she was still my girlfriend, goddammit) - cannot be dead.
I vaguely remember Veronica calling me. I vaguely remember the hysterical tears. I remember that shit. But I would have remembered - I would have felt the moment she left. I didn't... so she's just not. I've come to the conclusion that Lilly Kane just isn't gone.
Goddammit, Lilly. Why don't you stop jerking me around?
The first thing I did after V told me. The very first thing, in the moment that she made it become more real than it needed to be, was me heeling over and vomiting on my father's perfectly manicured grass. Relief, pain, too many things at once. So, you mean, she wasn't just playing hard to get by not returning my phone calls, Veronica?
Lilly's in the corner of my mind because everything's just fallen apart. Veronica and Duncan are the last ones to leave the graveside - they're the last ones to leave the glue behind. Even I told my dad to fuck off when he tried to take me home. Sorry, Trina couldn't make it, but she sent a bunch of Lilies. Her condolences, I guess.
"I would've gone with you, Lilly," I say to the empty space. "I would've gone with you."