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Mar 28, 2006 02:31

I guess I've been meaning to make a post like this for awhile, though I've always stopped myself because I hate to whine , though I've always stopped myself because I hate to whine publicly. On the other hand, , though I've always stopped myself because I hate to whine publicly. On the other hand, this is something I've been thinking about for a little while now, and I suppose it, though I've always stopped myself because I hate to whine publicly. On the other hand, this is something I've been thinking about for a little while now, and it's probably better to get it out, though I've always stopped myself because I hate to whine publicly. On the other hand, this is something I've been thinking about for a little while now, and it's probably better to get it out eventually.

I dunno. I've just been thinking about my fears recently.

When I was sixteen, I decided that the best way to live life was to simply grin and bear every problem, to not complain or worry because those were wastes of energy. I guess in a more ideal world, I would still feel that way, but somewhere along the way, I've become less of an optimist. That's not the best way to put it, I'm sure, but in any case, I've come to realize that as a human being, there's more than a small element of fear and anxiety that is just a part of life, and there's nothing to really be done about it than to accept it. I guess that a few years ago I would have attempted to believe that I didn't really fear anything, that I would simply accept whatever came my way and I would be fine with it- but I don't really believe that anymore. I have things I fear, things I worry about, and they aren't as simple to rectify as "study harder" or "get more sleep." They're just... Bigger than that, I guess.

Maybe it's just the realization that I'm about two years away from the real world. I mean, I know I can't afford to go to grad school without an actual, big person job. And even though I love it so much, I always worry about having an "impractical" major... How many people are beating down the door for English majors? And even if I get a job, will it be one I can stand?

I want to be a professor, or an editor, or on the radio, or a librarian, and I want to be a writer on top of it. When am I supposed to make this decision? I can't afford multiple masters' degrees, either in money or time. I'm going to have to pick something eventually, right?

I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up some day and find out that I've lived a small, unimporant life, and be deeply disappointed in it. I'm afraid that nobody's going to remember me when I'm dead. I'm afraid of never succeeding. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid that success will be hollow.

I'm afraid of an ordinary life, and that fear seems so stupid and petty. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up going down the path most people seem to end up going down: stable enough job, stable enough family, stable enough happiness. And I'm not trying to imply that there's something shallow or wrong with that even; I mean, it's happiness, right? What's wrong with that?

I don't know. It just doesn't seem like it's enough.

It's been a long time since I thought of myself as being one of the smartest in the group of people I know. It's been a long time since I thought of myself as being the best at anything. I tell myself I can write, and I know that I like the way I put words together- but so what? Everybody knows how to write, at least a little. Maybe I have some talent for it, but is that enough to put me over the top when I'm surrounded by people who are at least as talented as I am? It's not like being a surgeon or anything...

OK. Enough self-indulgence and whining. If I'm going to boil this down to a simple statement... It's that I'm afraid that I don't know if I have what it takes to live the life I know I want to lead. I don't know how mature or talented or capable I am.

I guess we'll see.

-E
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