go to fucking bed. roman. [it needed to go somewhere besides my head]

[lofidelityinred]

40 or 50, or did you slip 2 more in there somewhere
oh well, does it really matter
you know thats not why youre awake
what matters is
the point is its 6:18 am and youve got an hour and 12 minutes of hope left
you decide to just give up and play innocent bystander to your thoughts

Comments

[champion_liz]

you're a distracted sort. like me.
though i stopped taking the medications for my distracted thoughts a long time ago because i realised i was even too distracted to remember to take the medications. its a curse really - being impulsive, spacey, nervous, unattentive, unproductively creative. i'd like to think im a dreamer of sorts with visionary-type tendencies, i suppose, but living in the world i do, in the culture i do, its too damn difficult to survive with my sort of brain. i lose so much - my 'education', the many jobs i've had, opportunities, appointments, my car keys, etc. i live more in my head than in the outside world, and i've found that our sort of society doesn't understand or embrace that sort of thing.
so i wanted to leave. i still do. i was, but it fell through.
after i left school a year and a half ago, i was going to go to india to run away. if you knew me well enough, you'd know that i have wanted for a very long time to go to india, for many a reason. i found a sort of unorganized program thingy willing to ship me out at sweet sixteen to live in the high hills for six months and assist the villages in raising their children, a western girl all alone to witness the rituals of a completely different culture from a fly-on-the-wall sort of perspective. it was, i think, exactly what i needed then and still need now. six months to be outside in the mountain sunshine, eating such simple vegeterian meals, doing basic chores in exchange for acceptance into some little village that i knew i wouldn't be able to understand. i could go about my daily life completely absorbed in my own mind and my own thoughts and spend those months doing nothing but thinking to myself without any pressures or deadlines or places to be. afterwards, i planned to do a bit of traveling to the south of india and go to kolkata and goa and spend the nights on the beaches before returning to alaska. i wanted a fresh perspective on things before i decided what it is i was going to do with my life. i wanted a completely new and different experience. and, i wanted my hair to bleach out and my skin to tan.
but unfortunately, shortly before purchasing my plane ticket, the government issued a warning against going to a number of different countries, india included, and my parents changed their mind. i pleaded, but to no avail. i was stuck in alaska. so i started working. i even went to college for a semester and lived on my own in the city. i drank a lot, dropped out of college too, and lost all the fourteen or fifteen jobs i've had since i left school. i'm still in the same place, now. here in wasilla. thinking the same thoughts. having the same problems. sometimes i wonder if i should try again, now that i am eighteen and not even government warnings can stop me, if i should come up with a but if money and go to india. if i should go live in the hills with the hindus and hike up mountains each morning for water to carry down in some giant vase on top of my head.
i don't know if this makes any sense to you, but what you wrote made me think of it, and for some reason, i decided to tell you of the time i thought of going to india. im not trying to advise you to do anything, i suppose i just thought you might relate.

[lofidelityinred]

liz
i want to respond but all day i havent been able to come up with the words that i want to say
and when i have thought of them, im not in an opportune place to just sit down and write out a response.
and right now, ive been up for a few days too many
and im probably not making any sense, or maybe i am. i dont know
anyhow
so im responding later.
i just want you to know that i do relate. yes.

[champion_liz]

no response necessary

it was just something you made me think of
thats all