Mar 24, 2009 16:02
So my birthday's in two days. I finally turn the tender age of 21, and I have quite a few mixed feelings. I'm excited and I don't really care. I relearned the meaning of "mean drunk" thanks to my father. He's not a violent drunk...just mean. That one event triggered some pretty harsh childhood memories. I guess there's a reason why they call them repressed memories. It was like someone turned a light on and scenes unfolded around me. I don't even know what's real and what's not. How sad is that?
It's never anything concrete. Just a bunch of small things that meant nothing to me at the time that are like "...wow" I don't think I have ever been so glad my parents are divorced in my life. I have images of my father coming home drunk and yelling at me to get to my room. Images of me running to my room. Images of me on the floor crying and him sitting on the couch yelling at me to shut up. Images of him yelling at me to "stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about" and me running as far away from him as possible. Images of me being scared of him. Images of my mom on the floor crying with him standing abover her screaming at her. Images of finding pamphlets for domestic abuse. I have a strong feeling those weren't just things for me to color in....
I honestly have no idea what actually happened. I was way to young to remember. They've been divorced for 13 years, and even if my memory was that good I was far too young to understand what was going on. All I really do know is that I didn't cry when my mom told my sister and myself dad was no longer going to be living with us. I just wanted to go back and watch Spider Man. And as I'm writing this I keep getting more images traveling across my memory. Images of sitting alone. It's like "Dad's weekend" turned out to just be my sister and myself on the couch playing SNES while Dad slept. Understandably he worked nights...but you'd think he'd want to see us or something...
I'm not going to replay the moments that led up to this...downfall of repressed childhood memories. Instead I'm going to talk about what I'm doing to cope with them. Not talking to him seems to be a good response for right now. Nothing in our relationship has changed. He apologized the morning after as I was leaving. "Sorry if i was a butt head" were his exact words. IF...IF you were a butt head? You weren't a butt head. You were a down right douche bag that needed to be taken out back and slapped. You fiance should not have to apologize for you and she should not have to get used to the way you act when you're drunk. You are not a happy drunk. You are not a life of the party. You are an instigator. You become me against the world. If you want to know what makes you such a terrible guy ask me when you're sober. I'll be glad to tell you what I think of you when you're sober enough to remember.
Anyway....listening to Julien-K's "Disease" has brought on a whole new world of therapy. I've always linked it to my past lyrically and it's always made me want to cry. Now that I have fresh memories and memories that are boiling over the surface it hold a much stronger meaning to me. "So you grew up slow in a shit hole town with nothing to do and no body around. wasting your time in made up places. A queen surrounded by familiar faces. So life is hard and you let it show. Priced to sell with no where to go. This isn't who you wanted to be so does it ease your mind to take it out on me?" forgive me if there's mistakes. i'm typing off memory. That right there is icing on the fucking cake. word for word everything i feel and everything i've seen.
As a result from these events I made a decision. A rather rash decision but one i'm sticking to and one I believe will help me in the long run. I'm going to California for basically two days. ...In the middle of the semester...in the middle of the week. Why? for a Julien-K show. My mother thinks it's stupid and trivial, but if she knew the amount of stress and emotional termoil I'm going through right now...or the amount of stress she puts on me I think she would rethink everything. I know she just wants the best for me, but reminding me i have a car payment and tuition doesn't help. How am I supposed to concentrate on school when you keep reminding me I can't afford my education? It just brings me right back to Disease..."Now everyone's gathered 'round like there's something to see. But all I feel are your eyes on me. Too many times and too many places a love is lost leaving no traces. And this is how the story goes wasted time with record lows. So tell me who you want me to be a dead end ride or a new belief."
I have found myself back in the same exact state of mind I was in High School. It was a place I swore I'd never return. Leaving this place and spending a year in Milwaukee was the best thing I could have done. I found myself. I knew who I was. I've been back here for two years. I've lost myself again. I doubt I'll be able to refind myself in the short time i'm in Los Angeles, but what I do know is that I'm my happiest when I'm surrounded by Julien-K and people who are just as in love with Julien-K as I am.
I need a break. I need sanity. Julien-K has always been my sanity and my life line. The music, the art, the lyrics, the people, the escape. If they didn't exist I'm honestly afraid of what I would have become. A cutter, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a hobo, dead. All are very real possibilities.
julien-k,
life,
substance abuse,
everything,
disease,
childhood,
21