i don't like this
I hate this shit, I really do. I really have a hard time tolerating myself getting into these kinds of moods. But, all week, I've had very little motivation to leave the house or really speak to anyone new and it's all because I keep having these emergent thoughts about my last relationship and I feel abominably ugly and repulsive because of some of the shit he said
The guy would call me a "gross bitch" and tell me I smelled bad even after thorough hygienic routines
He had no compunctions about telling me his friends' and family's negative opinions of me
It was not long at all before he stopped ever complimenting me on my appearance, in fact even if I were openly feeling low about it myself he would not reassure me, he would tell me just how much I failed society's expectations of beauty and then call me a narcissist for even caring about it
He would tell me how disgusting I would look in 25 years on account of my chest size
And he would see nothing wrong with this because he felt he was just being objective.
I'm wary of compliments from people I haven't had a real conversation with
I'm wary of compliments on my appearance because I feel that they will just turn to clumsy insults once the person's friends/family pass a negative judgment on me
I feel like I can't have a happy relationship because either no one wants who I really am, or they want it too badly and I'm usually not comfortable revealing my true self at a fast pace - why can't they just be patient?
Of course then most of the time I do reveal it, as I said, it isn't what they wanted - they get frustrated with it and they reject it
I feel disgusted with myself for having seen so much by 26 and simultaneously for understanding so little of the outside world - I feel like I'm just "too old" in a lot of ways for most people and even when they want to be close I pull away because I'm afraid of them seeing that and mocking me for it or brushing me aside for not being fully what they needed or expected
The way I experience my own gender is strange in ways that aren't even really discussed or defined in the LGBTQ community and that just adds a whole other layer of difficulty to this whole thing because it's as if my choices are to repress my true nature for the long haul or end up scaring off a huge percentage of potential mates (which makes me feel terrible)
I count my blessings, I really do, I have the best friends I could ask for right now and a fresh outlook on life, a reconnection to my core self, my inspiration and inner vision, but I feel that in my attempts to meet a romantic partner I am seen as nothing but a perplexing failure or a novelty to be picked apart for one's amusement rather than ever received and embraced as a true companion of the heart, mind, and soul.
That shit fucking hurts.
The guy would call me a "gross bitch" and tell me I smelled bad even after thorough hygienic routines
He had no compunctions about telling me his friends' and family's negative opinions of me
It was not long at all before he stopped ever complimenting me on my appearance, in fact even if I were openly feeling low about it myself he would not reassure me, he would tell me just how much I failed society's expectations of beauty and then call me a narcissist for even caring about it
He would tell me how disgusting I would look in 25 years on account of my chest size
And he would see nothing wrong with this because he felt he was just being objective.
I'm wary of compliments from people I haven't had a real conversation with
I'm wary of compliments on my appearance because I feel that they will just turn to clumsy insults once the person's friends/family pass a negative judgment on me
I feel like I can't have a happy relationship because either no one wants who I really am, or they want it too badly and I'm usually not comfortable revealing my true self at a fast pace - why can't they just be patient?
Of course then most of the time I do reveal it, as I said, it isn't what they wanted - they get frustrated with it and they reject it
I feel disgusted with myself for having seen so much by 26 and simultaneously for understanding so little of the outside world - I feel like I'm just "too old" in a lot of ways for most people and even when they want to be close I pull away because I'm afraid of them seeing that and mocking me for it or brushing me aside for not being fully what they needed or expected
The way I experience my own gender is strange in ways that aren't even really discussed or defined in the LGBTQ community and that just adds a whole other layer of difficulty to this whole thing because it's as if my choices are to repress my true nature for the long haul or end up scaring off a huge percentage of potential mates (which makes me feel terrible)
I count my blessings, I really do, I have the best friends I could ask for right now and a fresh outlook on life, a reconnection to my core self, my inspiration and inner vision, but I feel that in my attempts to meet a romantic partner I am seen as nothing but a perplexing failure or a novelty to be picked apart for one's amusement rather than ever received and embraced as a true companion of the heart, mind, and soul.
That shit fucking hurts.