(no subject)
My whole life no one wanted to take care of me unless forced to do so. I found out a few years back that my mother only wanted my sister and that I was never planned to have, that after my sister there were to be no more. Then I find out that my father wanted a son instead of me. NEVER WANTED.
I've moved to so many different places unwillingly. Although I kept trying to find myself. As soon as I think I did things got even more complicated than I started out at. It was like all these new obsticales were forming and I didn't know what to do with them but panic. When I moved I thought things were going to be easier for me here but as I now noticed after a few months that I never left anything behind me but instead I brought my burdens with me unnoticed. It was till the past couple of days I had noticed that I have no idea of what I'm doing here. I got a job and I had thought that that is what was bothering me but it wasn't. I'm back to how I have been for the past 7 years. I always thought that my mood had always has been because one thing that I didn't do... it was being used as an excuse for who knows how long. For so long everyone has always asks me "Why can't you be more like your sister? Get good grades, go to school, go to college, get a job, get your license, go out with someone and stay with them and why don't you talk to me, like your sister does?" Why does it always have to be about her and never really me?
I've been living in someone else's shadow and how can someone really live that way and still be happy with their life? Everything has come harder for me because I've been fucked up most of my life do to my parents and then later came my family. I don't know how to change to be more comfortable because I don't know what I want that is a little acceptable so that I can be happy too. I don't want to keep living this lie. I wasn't happy with that, which is why it almost got me killed. I got help for that. If I have to turn back for that help again it would only make me even more crazy than I am. I know what I want and I can't have that. I know what I don't want to do no more but everything is pushing me to do it. My grandma's dying fast, my friends are getting killed, losing all of my friends I once had, lost people I truly cared for more than anything, I lost my uncle for the next 8 years and my family is so screwed up I'm losing track on where it's going anymore and I refuse to cry about it. It won't change anything or how I feel. Pointless for even doing anything about it.
I can't stay focused for too long because I get side tracked by own reoccuring or newly occuring problems. I have no idea what to do for myself. Now I am being told once agian for the 4th time this year that I will have to be finding a new place to stay if I don't change. CHANGE, yeah that's what I've been trying to do for the past 6 years if that. I give up because people want me to be this perfect person that doesn't exsist in me. Haven't they given me enough pressure? Tonight at work I thought that I was going to screw up so badly that they wouldn't schedule me no more. I'm not a pessimist and that's what I don't get. Why now, why me? I give up. I can't keep doing this or I wouldn't beable to say what will happen to me in the end of it all.
I've moved to so many different places unwillingly. Although I kept trying to find myself. As soon as I think I did things got even more complicated than I started out at. It was like all these new obsticales were forming and I didn't know what to do with them but panic. When I moved I thought things were going to be easier for me here but as I now noticed after a few months that I never left anything behind me but instead I brought my burdens with me unnoticed. It was till the past couple of days I had noticed that I have no idea of what I'm doing here. I got a job and I had thought that that is what was bothering me but it wasn't. I'm back to how I have been for the past 7 years. I always thought that my mood had always has been because one thing that I didn't do... it was being used as an excuse for who knows how long. For so long everyone has always asks me "Why can't you be more like your sister? Get good grades, go to school, go to college, get a job, get your license, go out with someone and stay with them and why don't you talk to me, like your sister does?" Why does it always have to be about her and never really me?
I've been living in someone else's shadow and how can someone really live that way and still be happy with their life? Everything has come harder for me because I've been fucked up most of my life do to my parents and then later came my family. I don't know how to change to be more comfortable because I don't know what I want that is a little acceptable so that I can be happy too. I don't want to keep living this lie. I wasn't happy with that, which is why it almost got me killed. I got help for that. If I have to turn back for that help again it would only make me even more crazy than I am. I know what I want and I can't have that. I know what I don't want to do no more but everything is pushing me to do it. My grandma's dying fast, my friends are getting killed, losing all of my friends I once had, lost people I truly cared for more than anything, I lost my uncle for the next 8 years and my family is so screwed up I'm losing track on where it's going anymore and I refuse to cry about it. It won't change anything or how I feel. Pointless for even doing anything about it.
I can't stay focused for too long because I get side tracked by own reoccuring or newly occuring problems. I have no idea what to do for myself. Now I am being told once agian for the 4th time this year that I will have to be finding a new place to stay if I don't change. CHANGE, yeah that's what I've been trying to do for the past 6 years if that. I give up because people want me to be this perfect person that doesn't exsist in me. Haven't they given me enough pressure? Tonight at work I thought that I was going to screw up so badly that they wouldn't schedule me no more. I'm not a pessimist and that's what I don't get. Why now, why me? I give up. I can't keep doing this or I wouldn't beable to say what will happen to me in the end of it all.