Silent spaces in between
I haven't been updated my lj as often as I used to, but then again, looking back I hardly am in the habit of typing down all the inane things that happened in my life. Lj had always been a marker for my life these past two years or so, so in retrospect, nothing momentous had happened in my life that had warranted/compelled me to write anything at all. Perhaps it was ennui, or simply just plain laziness that blanket my lj with silent spaces in between.
I often see myself as a juxtaposition of tired oxymoronic cliches. I am a complex one-dimensional person, an individual with simple needs but complex goals. I need a fluid structure to live by, and while I am very much glad to let the world runs it erratic course, I am very very much a control freak who gets very much upset when the world does not conform to my one true path. I have too many acquaintances, but too little friends. I want to give my all but I get really awkward getting gifts. I don't do birthdays and anniversaries, but I just want to make everyday a special day. I need the close proximity of other people but I am fiercely protective of my personal space. I need to live in disorder and chaos, but I form and formulate patterns to make my mess manageable and familiar. I hate work, but it gives me a reason to wake up every morning and live each day. I don't need to talk to someone to share my burden and despair, I just need someone to be there just to keep me company. I am too god damn proud for my own good, despite my self-loathing and depreciation.
And I am a person who misses his grandmother, and still cries to sleep every other night despite the fact that i'm already 28 and she's been gone for over 2 months. When it comes to her, I don't want to be an adult, I don't want responsibility, I don't want money. I don't want to care about anything or anyone in the whole wide world.
I just want her to hug me and smile at me and tell me to eat more fruits. And ask me for money and yakult.
It's just so god damn hard to let her go.
I often see myself as a juxtaposition of tired oxymoronic cliches. I am a complex one-dimensional person, an individual with simple needs but complex goals. I need a fluid structure to live by, and while I am very much glad to let the world runs it erratic course, I am very very much a control freak who gets very much upset when the world does not conform to my one true path. I have too many acquaintances, but too little friends. I want to give my all but I get really awkward getting gifts. I don't do birthdays and anniversaries, but I just want to make everyday a special day. I need the close proximity of other people but I am fiercely protective of my personal space. I need to live in disorder and chaos, but I form and formulate patterns to make my mess manageable and familiar. I hate work, but it gives me a reason to wake up every morning and live each day. I don't need to talk to someone to share my burden and despair, I just need someone to be there just to keep me company. I am too god damn proud for my own good, despite my self-loathing and depreciation.
And I am a person who misses his grandmother, and still cries to sleep every other night despite the fact that i'm already 28 and she's been gone for over 2 months. When it comes to her, I don't want to be an adult, I don't want responsibility, I don't want money. I don't want to care about anything or anyone in the whole wide world.
I just want her to hug me and smile at me and tell me to eat more fruits. And ask me for money and yakult.
It's just so god damn hard to let her go.