tired
I am so fucking tired. The past twelve years have just been a nonstop shit fuck. And I'm so tired of fighting endlessly for a losing battle. Because that's what all of this is. It's going nowhere and I just wish it would stop. Trust me, I get that I fucked things up horribly on every front of my life. But I really thought there was something, at least one thing left worth fighting for in it. And I honestly don't think there is. And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired. Excuse me for my moment of blatant self deprication, but it's building and building and building and it all just crumbled today.
I went to school for too long sick, because that was the only way I was allowed to live at my parents house. And I fucked up. I fucked up really badly. I was a god damn honor student. I had a near perfect ACT score in EVERYTHING but math. And I got sick. And god, I'm so sorry for that. It's not something I meant to happen. And I tried really hard to hide it for a very long time because its not something you can talk about with anyone. And it still isn't. I know that shit went too long unnattended to and that the damage is way too fucking much to come back from. Don't get me wrong, I'm okay right now. I'm taking seven pills a day to ensure that much. But the pills are just going to become more and more in an effort to maintain that. And I'm so fucking scared because I'm not ready for it to all be over yet. I need more time. I need more time to makes things right. To not be some horrible person who fucked everything up in her entire life.
And so I lied. Because I learned really quickly that no one really wants the truth. Hell, why would they? Why should they be able to handle that when I can't even get my mind around it? But you just get one chance in life. That's it. And I know that. I've always known that. I always hoped there were exceptions to that rule, but there aren't. It's just that simple. So, why the hell did I fight so hard to live, when it doesn't matter what I do now because it's too fucking late. I just wanted more time. I just wanted a second chance at all of the things I wanted for so long, but knew I couldn't have.
I just want a break. I just need it all to go away for a little while. I need to be able to believe in something again. Just for a little while. And I need the blame to go away. I need it to just go away. I did what I thought was right at the time. And it was NEVER easy for me. Not once. I did what I did because I had to, I had no choice. And I need to be forgiven for that. Why can't I just be forgiven? It was so long ago. And while I lie time after time and say I don't have any regrets, that's all my entire life is - one big fucking regret for the shit I've done. I was just so young and so stupid and didn't understand. I was working 24 hours a day and trying to maintain this semblance of something I wasn't. I was just a scared kid who knew something was wrong and couldn't do anything about it. Everything came crashing down on me. And I'm so sorry.
I went to school for too long sick, because that was the only way I was allowed to live at my parents house. And I fucked up. I fucked up really badly. I was a god damn honor student. I had a near perfect ACT score in EVERYTHING but math. And I got sick. And god, I'm so sorry for that. It's not something I meant to happen. And I tried really hard to hide it for a very long time because its not something you can talk about with anyone. And it still isn't. I know that shit went too long unnattended to and that the damage is way too fucking much to come back from. Don't get me wrong, I'm okay right now. I'm taking seven pills a day to ensure that much. But the pills are just going to become more and more in an effort to maintain that. And I'm so fucking scared because I'm not ready for it to all be over yet. I need more time. I need more time to makes things right. To not be some horrible person who fucked everything up in her entire life.
And so I lied. Because I learned really quickly that no one really wants the truth. Hell, why would they? Why should they be able to handle that when I can't even get my mind around it? But you just get one chance in life. That's it. And I know that. I've always known that. I always hoped there were exceptions to that rule, but there aren't. It's just that simple. So, why the hell did I fight so hard to live, when it doesn't matter what I do now because it's too fucking late. I just wanted more time. I just wanted a second chance at all of the things I wanted for so long, but knew I couldn't have.
I just want a break. I just need it all to go away for a little while. I need to be able to believe in something again. Just for a little while. And I need the blame to go away. I need it to just go away. I did what I thought was right at the time. And it was NEVER easy for me. Not once. I did what I did because I had to, I had no choice. And I need to be forgiven for that. Why can't I just be forgiven? It was so long ago. And while I lie time after time and say I don't have any regrets, that's all my entire life is - one big fucking regret for the shit I've done. I was just so young and so stupid and didn't understand. I was working 24 hours a day and trying to maintain this semblance of something I wasn't. I was just a scared kid who knew something was wrong and couldn't do anything about it. Everything came crashing down on me. And I'm so sorry.