will i wake tomorrow

[locoirishgirl]

my major is gone. to most of you, this doesn't mean anything. to me, it means the world. major was my extra grandfather. he never missed a single dance performance or school function of mine or either of my sisters. when me and bridget used to walk by his house to get to school, he would come out and talk to us and offer to give us a ride. when i was really little, i got confused because i thought he really was my grandfather. i hadn't seen him since the bolles performance of the wizard of oz, and i don't think he ever got to see me row. i realized he was old and that his health wasnt so great, but he's always been one of those constants in my life that i never truly appreciated until i found out he wasn't going to be there for me anymore. i really wish i could have said goodbye to him because i don't think our last conversation counted as enough closure. i never got closure on any of my grandparents on my mother's side, and I count him as one of those, so that really hurts. he always shook. always. his hands would shake when he held one out to greet new people, and his whole body would shake when he used to hug me. he always seemed shaky, but a stable kind of shaky. shaky-solid. solidly shaky. he was my in-town grandpa. and now he's gone. i heard once that when people die, it's okay to mourn for the loss of life, but it isn't right to feel sorry for yourself because you don't have that person anymore. i feel really bad right now not only because i'm feeling sorry for myself, but also because i never took enough time to get to know him as well as i should have. and now i never will be able to. i think we would have gotten on splashingly, even better than we already did, if we had known each other better. i know he's happier now, but i'm still going to miss him awfully. i just hope he didn't go in any pain, and that now he'll never know any pain again.
I know you'll never see this, sir, but I love you, and I miss you already.

from this nightmare