A year later...
So, it's been a year, and nothing has changed, at all. we still don't talk, i'm still way overlly jealous, and i don't know what love is...I starting to wonder if he really cares for me, which i guess i never knew in the first place...i had a huge chat with my mom a while ago and i totally started crying in the middle of it becasue i don't know how to tell if someone really cares about me. and of course i'm balling right now...i just read through all my old posts ans a conversation with mike that lead to one of them. absolutly nothing has changed, i still put up with way to much bullshit and don't even say anything about it. what the fuck is my problem. i could do so much better, but i feel connected to him , i don't know why, and i'm often disgusted in both him and my self for putting up with him. i know i'm scared to be alone, but what am i doing to myself. i never would have put up with this much shit even from dylan. am i that desperate, or in love, or just stupid? i don't know. but i'm only 19 and yeah...i should be goofing around and having fun not regreting the person i say i love. i don't get us at all. we don't even do anything together, he won't take me to movies, he won't invite me places with him, and definitly flirts with little girlys all the time. goddamn it i fuckoing hate myself. i wish i could be as big of a pig as he is. yet i keep forgetting everything and still fucking him and acting like nothings wrong. if i had friends i'm sure i wouldn't still be with him, but i do like him...or at least i think i do...it's not like he's a bad guy, he's rather sweet, and i don't think he'd ever cheat on me, well not on purpose. maybe i'm just mad and focusing on all the bad things, he really is a good guy. he just plays into what society has told him is the typical man. plus i'm sure all the people he hangs out with don't help. i wish i could have met him in high school he seems like he would have been a better person then, before he changed to be "cool" or whatever at the theatre. i bet i'd be in love with that guy, cuz that's what i like about him. LOVE SUCKS!