Dude, Stop Fucking Around. You are ANNOYING.
Dear Lee Jordan,
Dude, I'm really not into repeating myself, but for the fucking love of Amy Lee, I have no other choice. I know only a few, few people will notice that I'm repeating subjects and really Dude, I have to do it. It's a matter of just speaking it out because though I have tried to approach the subject subtly, or I just fail to see how can I approach it and make the concerned person or people understand the very matter. Yes, I can confront people, but I know that when I confront people I'm a fucking bull in a china store, so I'm not going there. Then, as usual, I'll be venting some steam out of my chest since during the day it already managed to make my scarred gum to open up and pour a mouthful of blood again. So, for therapeutic reasons I have to steam that out until I find the right way to deal with it. (And no, the obvious way is not good enough for me because, trust me, it will take me nowhere. Been there, done that.)
Yes, somethings in life are not just as simple as they seem to be, particularly when you are blessed/cursed with the birth-star of Cancer. Perhaps I do could make things the simple way, but if I would have done that, I would not be where I am not, and safe the current "shithole" I'm in, not for my choice, but other people's choice, I love where I am. So I guess I will keep doing things my way, and those who don't like it can very much fuck it.
I'm deranging...
I know.
There are so many things in my head right now, so today wasn't the best day to load me up with more shit. Oh well, I also just finished a novel titled "The World of Normal Boys". It has been prized and all, and the plot is basically good, but then again, it's gay literature, and I start believing that gay men are not interested in literature and they buy up any lousy shit labeled "gay literature" only because it's gay and not because it's good. Damned, the end was... not what I expected. I suffered endless pages of shitty redaction for this...
*phew* Dude, I guess it's time for me to dive neck deep into ... well, I will just finish Sartre and it's wicked stories first, and then which one shall I chose... I have so many great books in here!! Oh, I know! I'll finish the Anne Perry book!!! ^_^
Okay, back on track. (Really, that little detour just mad wonders to my mood!) So lets tackle now the "The Three Stones in my Shoe". I know all of the persons hinted here (except one, the first) will raise their voices to complain and point their fingers and bring up all kinds of crap... See if I care. I am not interested in your bitchings. You all have your own websites and your own lj's and your own little pose to support you through everything. For all the cases, save the first, which is special, I'm sorry for you and your friends because you are so fucking phony and you are slowly drowning in it. Good luck trying to redo your lives after the big mess you are creating.
For a Friend:See Beyond Your Little World
Okay dude, I tried, I really did, but I don't seem to be able to "reach" you you and let you know that.. it wasn't funny, it was embarrassing and chicks don't dig embarrasing. I do suspected for a time that you have been acting around me in a way that's not natural for you, and dude, that really hurts. I mean, I am not a fucking SAT, you don't have to get ready for me, or study for a month before going with me for a coffee. I will tell you this as I have told you so many times already: I love you. I do. You are one of my best friends and I have so much fun with you, and we have such fulfilling conversations... Dude, it HURTS like fucking hell to hear that you have to push yourself to be at my level. I might be a demanding bitch, and dude that's me 24/7, and in my nightmares it's worst for the rest because I keep fucking demanding like a General Attorney in a Federal Fiscal Fraude case. Now... how can I say this properly?
That day we went out with my friends, yes I asked you to keep me company because I like you, but also as insurance in case the conversation went too weird/animeic/Japanese for me to follow, so I would at least have someone to talk about books and philosophy, or job matters... as we usually do. I really hate to sit and nurse my beer unable to reach out for my book when across the table weird stories are told of characters so strage i wouldn't even retain even if I were let into the subject. You took time from your time and were there for me, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Now, I know you wanted to cause some kind of impression on my girlfriends that day, but the way you did it humiliated us all. It was tacky. People don't just improvise or recite a segment of a tacky show to impress others. You couldn't have made a worst impression on my friend Kate, and you really suck low with my other friend and me. Dude, a joke "might be funny" in American Pie, yet you don't repeat it. Same goes with whatever other funny/disgusting comedy routine. I cant talk for the low-life lesser kind of chick that digs that shit, but me and my friends don't. Now, I can do my best and clean up your mess because you are my friend and they expected to meet the refined version of you I was boasting about, but in the future, near and far, refrain from such displays of vulgarity.
Good thing you scored brownie points with the career advise and the talking about accounting. You see? ^_^ That's the man we all like!!!
Now, there's the other thing. Yes you were very, very polite and gentleman like towards me but you completely ignored my friends and you were downright rude to them. This doesn't show that you are a gentleman, it shows that you are phony, have no education and your whole "politeness" is a charade to impress. Not helping my friend off the bus, but run to the other door to help me was rude. Ignoring the fact that she didn't wish to hear about a seedy lyric, no matter if you were making a point was rude. I don't know if someone has breaken it down for you, but words can be harmful, and we women find certain words, seedy words far more offensive than you dudes seem to. I'm a badmouthed bitch, and even I resent the use of certain words. In discomfort I laugh or smile or try to play along, but, in case you can't tell, when the corner of my mouth tenses, whatever face I'm doing, means that I'm displeasd or uncomfortable with a given situation.
Now, I do tried to bring it down to you the last time we met, but you seemed anything but amenable for the discussion. I was wondering how can I tell you this in a civilized, polite and nice way, and really, I still mean it constructively (though I'm a bull in a china store right now. Then we had this conversation about your appreciations of me when I was tipsy. Honestly, I was flabbergasted at what you said. For the record, I do remember everything, and I have no idea what you saw, but I know how I felt and what I was doing. It's worrisome that you take "feeling funky" for being "vulnerable" and "far more open than usual". Dude, I was only feeling funky, and when I feel funky I get cozy with people, cuddle a lot and laugh like a maniac. Since I was still in posession of my senses, I asked you several times if you were mad because:
1. I knew I was being too funky, too loose with my crazy stuff compared with my usual gathered self.
2. You were so silent and retrieved I thought you might be mad.
3. Tipsy or sane, I have a short span memory.
I tried to reason with you without telling you something as hurtful as: "Dude, it could be you or anyone, I wasn't serious and I had no intention of being serious". Then, I have taken cabs home in that state, and I'm fine and get home fine. Thanks for worrying about me, but now I worry about you.
You were dead-set on the idea that I was asking your approval. Sugar, I can be STONED, and yet I don't seek the aproval of anyone. Dude, I don't even seek the aproval of my bosses, and I really should. I was relaxed. That was it. I was plain relaxed and goofy. However you took what you saw and gave to it a different interpretation. Bunny's vulnerable, lowered ego&pride (Dude, not even dead and burried) and seeking aproval. It made me think, think about what might be the real situation with a certain girl you like, whose affections you try to buy with clothes and food and stuff, parenting over her. I can't tell you how to see the real life, because let's be honest, I only see the part I like and send the rest to rot in Hell. Granted, I have my fair share of flaws and all, but, dude, yours worry me because it seems you are living in a world with a distorted image. You are smart and you are used to read between the lines in your work, but in the social sphere, particularly among women, you read "into" the lines the things you wish to read. I know you care for me and I know you have ideas, and I'm also aware that you sometimes have feelings and ideas I wouldn't ever aprove spoken outloud. However, now it is my time to concern about you and your vision of others.
I'm afraid that something is keeping you back from just becoming a grown up. Part of you is a man already, but a large portion is still a teen. Please take some time and think about what is not letting you grow up.
Now, there's something that really has me troubled. You said that when I was tipsy (relaxed and goofy) you felt you didn't have to make the effort to raise to my level. I'm aware that sometimes I do have to keep you somewhat leashed because some of your outbursts embarass me deeply (okay, and I was a total DORK when I banged my head on the wall... point taken), and I'm aware that I act a lot of times like an uptight governness cutting your expression, supressing you in the areas where I feel you run again waay too "okatu" or was too "teen" or way too "nerdy" or way too "tacky" for my liking. Perhaps that's not the best way to keep up a friendship. However, being enlightened about you "having to keep up with me" struck me painfully. Does it means that all the conversations we had that I enjoyed so deeply were not "you"? Honey, you are nor supposed to push up for me, but relax with me. If you have to make an effort and stay in your toes around me... then the guy I have known... has been "created" by you for me to like? I'm not sure I want that.
I'm not good at going over this, but I would like you to keep it inside yourself and decide what's next. I know I don't want to hang around with a phony, and I really, really would miss my book-friend who has recommended me such great books.
If you ask me my opinion, I believe you have spent a lot of your time with lesser friends that got you used to the "porky" style, which has lowered your regular standards. I believe that you are the smarter, more refined version. Shed your mask. You are no longer a teen, you don't have to be liked by them.
You Have Lost Your Right to Bitch
"Two for the Price of One". No Dude. I can't say I have been framed, because I have not been framed. From day one, I knew it was not going to be good. Though I would have a LOAD to say here, I don't want my gums to break in the Blood Niagara again. However I have to say this:
Bitches, you have lost your right to complain about not having work to do when you don't even do the work I assign to you. I like you guys, I really do. Well, maybe I don't like You so much, but I'm being as nice and polite as I can. Now, I can't give you more work that what I have to give to you. As soon as it is dished out to me, I pass it on to you. Now, it's a surprise to me to realize none of you have the basic academical knowledge required to work with fees. This is a mistake of our severely stupid boss. One of you, according to what you do, shouldn't even been listed in Fees, but in the other part. Not that I'm complaining, as dude, you are the only nice and reasonable one here. Really, I'm here to help you as much as I can, but please try to understand that I CAN'T and I WON'T think for you. Is that clear? I know you can't do this now, but either you get creative, or I'll kindly suggest you to take the first promotion out of this joint.
Watch Who You Mess Up With
Well, I was handling the previous load sort of nice, recovering for a mouthbleeding that had me go goofy from bloodlost around my lovely pack, when I just got disrrupted by the most obnoxious of reasons: ill intentioned gossip. I flapped down my Igor to attend a meeting, which went so-so after I had a gigamontic proportioned argument with my former boss, who is a total asshole, you mind, and what do I see, but a blinking google-talk window from snyegorochka. Her lines were simple and to the point:
"Hello. Longtime no see. Deathscythe is talking ill of you."
Well, I wasn't in my best mood for that kind of things, starting with the fact that I happen to know that my beloved and only CyberTwin, Deathscythe would NEVER talk ill of me, or harm me in any way. So, wishing to tackle the matter fast I told my friend that I found that odd. She sort of told me that, well, he was "speaking ill on my behalf". I understand my friend is trying to protect me and I appreciate that, but I really don't have to be protected from someone I trust like I trust my sibling, right? I insisted that it would be strange that he would speak ill or harm me, since I know him, when she mentioned that my brother got into an argument with "Saku" and that in it my brother said "my best friend HEXE told me that..." (Journalist's Note: "Hexe" was one of my many nicknames a long time ago. My Cyber Twin still refers to me with that, just as I still call him with his old nick: Deathscythe.). Okay, what's so wrong with that? I happen to SPEAK to my brother, quite often, thank you very much, and we go out drinking and all that, like any regular, normal pair of siblings. Siblings do that. Siblings hang out, drink, confide in each other, are happy for each other (^_^ He's going to get married!!!!) and defend each other. snyegurochka told me she was going to send me a message with what he said. I picked up the phone and called him.
"Love!!" he greated me all happy and smiley.
"Honey!!"
"What happened?"
"Say, I just heard that you 'spoke in my behalf' in some matter?"
He laughed his good natured laugher.
"I knew they were going to call you about that."
I smiled at him. My twin brother is such a strategist. You can't fool him.
"Well, they did. But I wanna know the truth from you."
He sighed and told me.
"Your friend Sakura is a Spammer. There was a post about it and I talked about cleaning up the place from all spamms, erasing them. Since she's a major spammer, she got offended and started a fight with me."
I hummed so happy inside as I saw my lovely twin brother keeping up with this "Cleansing" schedule we developed when we were the Top Dogs of an old and extinguished anime board. 17&18. Only we call each other like that. That's our "family pet name". We were death and horror. He continued.
"Along the fight she at some point came out saying that I was fighting her for a "truth" she said which hurt me. THERE is where I replied to her that YOU told me all the shit she said about me."
I laughed and he laughed with me.
"I mean," he continued, "I was going to keep that private, but she boosted it out in the open and now that I faced her with her lies she denies them. She says she only said one of them."
In the meantime I got the mail from snyegurochka with a copy of the two comments, no mention that it was in an entry about spammers. I read the lines, and my brother was acurate. Yes, Marie-Joséphine told me all that the last time I saw her, along with more outrageous lies. I typed back at snyegurochka that I had indeed told those things to Deathscythe and those were told to me by "Saku" (also mentioned here as Marie-Joséphine). Well, unable to defuse the bomb, since yes, I told her I told him that and that Marie-Joséphine told me that, she got tangled telling me that, well, all of that was true. No, it is not, it's Marie-Joséphines vicious liying. Then, why was so BAD if all that was "so true" that MY SIBLING called me as his SOURCE of that info... and the source from where it came?
She insisted that the same information comes from different sources. Does that make it true? Adolf Hitler once said: "If the lie is big enough, a lot of people will believe it". People my believe it, but that doesn't make it true. A bunch of ill intentioned gossipers don't create a truth, they create problems. Honey, your sources are all a bunch of gossiping kids. The aggregated (means the total summ of all of the...)maturity level of the bunch doesn't even grasp the average maturity of a tewlve year old child. No, this is not an average, it's the adding of all the inner ages of all the group members.
Then we got tangled in a discussion about who knew Deathscythe better and what kind of a guy is he and so and so.
Now, lets get something clear here, shall we?
1. I do not appreciate gossip. I know people from your circle can't go a day without mentioning my name, but that is not my business. If my name become sthe daily prayer of someone, be it. If someone is so Hexe-Obssessed that said person NEEDS to pathologically speak about me, keeps a shrine with my pictures and lives in a fantasy world where "we talk" and I communicate my wisdom and holly will, well, I'm so very sorry for that person, and I hope he or she gets professional help, but still, it has noting to do with me. If someone decides to kill himself or herself because I'm so... geez, beautiful, smart, awesome, egotisitical or, well, because of some invented characteristic, I give my condolences to friends and family, but it is not my business. If someone writes fanfiction about me (as long as they disclaim it properly and don't make any money out of it), then be my guest, and still, ain't my stepping business. I have died for the anime a long time ago and have not returned since. I do not intend to either. Please, keep me out of your otaku/gossiper lives. I am not interested of what happens there or doesn't happen there.
2. You don't come and badmouth Deathscythe with me. I don't care if you know him since birth, I know him when he's with me and I know how he relates to me. Now this is not some kind of misplaced loyalty, as it happens often in your circle of friends, but this is fraternal love. He can bet his head in the fact that I would NEVER harm him or speak ill of him, and I can do the same. We are siblings. We are twin siblings and we care for each other, so watch it before you say something about him.
I really, really love snyegurochka a lot because of her striking personality and her sizzling mind, and I would hate for anything to blemish our frienship. Now, she's a smart girl and I'm sure she will keep from commenting these kind of things again. Which becomes sticky among us is her tight friendship with Marie-Joséphine.
Now lets speak openly about the matter. Once Marie-Joséphine asked me, regarding an entry I wrote, in what do I felt she had changed. It was hard to compress in words, or kind words the following:
"I miss the person you where when you were with me."
Meaning, now I know that she wasn't really the person she pretended to be when she was with me, and I really liked that lie. I liked the persona she invented to please me, and I took her for granted. Well, forgive me for not submitting her to a lie deteector or a full psychological test. I was happy with what I saw, and I bought the lie. I thought, and I still think that people has no reason to make up a "persona" when they meet you or they approach you in a friendly way. Everybody want to have friends, and you befriend what you see. I was the friend of that made up persona, never the friend of whatever lies beneath. Crippled or sane, I never knew her, or that. In what has she changed? Well, how the hell should I know, when all that was presented to me was a lie? I dunno. If I peel back what I saw then and try to find a common place, some axis that remains constant I would say that she's an empty shell. Excesively dependant, insecure, bluffing, and a compulsive liar. The kind of person that would do anything to get attention. The kind of woman who constantly needs to be rescued and admired. All those features, I truly despise, so I honestly hope that something of the "shell" was real, even if with her new assumed personality she doesn't have them. Why doesn't she rely in who she is and what she can accomplish, I have no idea.
Call me a "romantic", but I do believe there must be something good in her, or maybe I just don't want to feel fooled by some loser and robbed of my precious time which I could have inverted more profitably in... brushing my hair. Since her lies no longer amuse me, and they have gone kinda monothematic despise the fact that she can tell you the exact same thing with so many versions she's like living her own AU. (like try the 1001 tales about Wake and Clow... I have heard SO MANY versions of it you would not believe it!! I was joking one day and said:
"In the even months Wake is Good and Clow is Evil. In the odd months Wake is Evil and Clow is Good.")
So, in order to avoid all of her crap, I have decided to keep the topic of conversation strictly on trivial matters, cutting her off when she's derailing. Yes, I have spoken to her ever so rarely, and topics usually fade in boredom. It's sad, but this is how it is. In a way I still hope we can just keep up a coffeehouse kind of acquaintance where we gather to speak nonesense, and just keep all the touchy stuff out. It is hard to keep her in track when you are face to face with her, but then a Heineken can straighten a few minutes before you deter the conversation to something fluffy again. Then again, sometimes even fluffy stuff flow so hard between us, and it becomes ever so ennervating when she turns into a "yes-man". Now, this is the way I deal with her.
She has done serious damage to people with her behavior, her lies and her gossip. I want no part of it and so I request snyegurochka politely to keep Marie-Joséphine out of the conversation. Yes, sure, I am concerned about her welfare, and I would like her to be happy, but her lies and her gossips are not part of what I wish to know about her. There's a difference between getting mad at a friend and vent a little, Hyne knows how many times I have been mad at shota_hunter and steamed some of that, and the same goes around (though I guess I have made her mad at me more than she has made me mad because, really, she's such a doll), BUT lies and ill intentioned gossip out of the blue are something different. Hell, I just vented solid paragraphs about one of my best friends!!! It is not the same thing.
There's people you don't mess with. I know my loyalties: I'm loyal EXCLUSIVELY to God and Myself. Then I know whom I love. Deathscythe has never disappointed me, has never lied to me. NEVER. He has proven to be straight with me, and clear like a glass of water. That's more than what I can say of other people. This is a matter of trust. Trust earned and kept through long years, and that, baby, can't be reached with lies and fantastic stories, or childish ganging up and kid-fighting.
I am far too old to partake in childish crusades and alliances to gang up one against the other. If you are as kiddish as to engage in a stick-and-stones fight, be my guest, but don't keep me posted. If I were so interested I'll be reading "Marcos Ramírez" or the "Kids of the Pal Street". Now, I would refrain from advising snyegurochka to reconsider the level of engagement with some of her friends, for they might bring her more harm than profit, but instead trust her judgment and hope she knows well the choices she's doing. I do not wish to lose her friendship, because she means the world to me (and her husband should not be jealous, after all he got her and married her!!!), and I also hope deep inside that the level of acquintance I still can keep with Marie-Joséphine in the hopes to be there when she finally wakes up from the mess will continue unchanged (though after speaking out here I much doubt that), because at least I'm really curious what she would be like when she decides to give herself a chance at being herself and not a carbon copy of what she thinks others expect her to be. (I must believe this comes from growing up in such a restrictive family like hers.)
Well, it's late and the bull in the chinastore has done plenty of damage. I have been thinking about that fic-collection all slavery-themed, and all of them about luxury birds... The Nightingale, the Peacock, The Swan and the Cannary. The Nightingale is particularly strong in my mind now. I got off my chest a few things I had to say, maybe they are too messy, maybe they are too raw or too harsh, but none of them where with the intention of hurting anyone. Yeah, hard to believe, but true. After all, please remember that this is my LJ and in here I can vent all I want and say all I want and there's nothing you can do about it. I have the right to express myself and in here I also have the right to block you out. I took on the chance of saying things as I feel them, uncensored (well, as much as a Cancer and a Dragon can handle that), and if anyone feels bad about it, dude, too bad. Go get therapy or something.
Love to All,
Locky The Bunny
Dude, I'm really not into repeating myself, but for the fucking love of Amy Lee, I have no other choice. I know only a few, few people will notice that I'm repeating subjects and really Dude, I have to do it. It's a matter of just speaking it out because though I have tried to approach the subject subtly, or I just fail to see how can I approach it and make the concerned person or people understand the very matter. Yes, I can confront people, but I know that when I confront people I'm a fucking bull in a china store, so I'm not going there. Then, as usual, I'll be venting some steam out of my chest since during the day it already managed to make my scarred gum to open up and pour a mouthful of blood again. So, for therapeutic reasons I have to steam that out until I find the right way to deal with it. (And no, the obvious way is not good enough for me because, trust me, it will take me nowhere. Been there, done that.)
Yes, somethings in life are not just as simple as they seem to be, particularly when you are blessed/cursed with the birth-star of Cancer. Perhaps I do could make things the simple way, but if I would have done that, I would not be where I am not, and safe the current "shithole" I'm in, not for my choice, but other people's choice, I love where I am. So I guess I will keep doing things my way, and those who don't like it can very much fuck it.
I'm deranging...
I know.
There are so many things in my head right now, so today wasn't the best day to load me up with more shit. Oh well, I also just finished a novel titled "The World of Normal Boys". It has been prized and all, and the plot is basically good, but then again, it's gay literature, and I start believing that gay men are not interested in literature and they buy up any lousy shit labeled "gay literature" only because it's gay and not because it's good. Damned, the end was... not what I expected. I suffered endless pages of shitty redaction for this...
*phew* Dude, I guess it's time for me to dive neck deep into ... well, I will just finish Sartre and it's wicked stories first, and then which one shall I chose... I have so many great books in here!! Oh, I know! I'll finish the Anne Perry book!!! ^_^
Okay, back on track. (Really, that little detour just mad wonders to my mood!) So lets tackle now the "The Three Stones in my Shoe". I know all of the persons hinted here (except one, the first) will raise their voices to complain and point their fingers and bring up all kinds of crap... See if I care. I am not interested in your bitchings. You all have your own websites and your own lj's and your own little pose to support you through everything. For all the cases, save the first, which is special, I'm sorry for you and your friends because you are so fucking phony and you are slowly drowning in it. Good luck trying to redo your lives after the big mess you are creating.
For a Friend:See Beyond Your Little World
Okay dude, I tried, I really did, but I don't seem to be able to "reach" you you and let you know that.. it wasn't funny, it was embarrassing and chicks don't dig embarrasing. I do suspected for a time that you have been acting around me in a way that's not natural for you, and dude, that really hurts. I mean, I am not a fucking SAT, you don't have to get ready for me, or study for a month before going with me for a coffee. I will tell you this as I have told you so many times already: I love you. I do. You are one of my best friends and I have so much fun with you, and we have such fulfilling conversations... Dude, it HURTS like fucking hell to hear that you have to push yourself to be at my level. I might be a demanding bitch, and dude that's me 24/7, and in my nightmares it's worst for the rest because I keep fucking demanding like a General Attorney in a Federal Fiscal Fraude case. Now... how can I say this properly?
That day we went out with my friends, yes I asked you to keep me company because I like you, but also as insurance in case the conversation went too weird/animeic/Japanese for me to follow, so I would at least have someone to talk about books and philosophy, or job matters... as we usually do. I really hate to sit and nurse my beer unable to reach out for my book when across the table weird stories are told of characters so strage i wouldn't even retain even if I were let into the subject. You took time from your time and were there for me, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Now, I know you wanted to cause some kind of impression on my girlfriends that day, but the way you did it humiliated us all. It was tacky. People don't just improvise or recite a segment of a tacky show to impress others. You couldn't have made a worst impression on my friend Kate, and you really suck low with my other friend and me. Dude, a joke "might be funny" in American Pie, yet you don't repeat it. Same goes with whatever other funny/disgusting comedy routine. I cant talk for the low-life lesser kind of chick that digs that shit, but me and my friends don't. Now, I can do my best and clean up your mess because you are my friend and they expected to meet the refined version of you I was boasting about, but in the future, near and far, refrain from such displays of vulgarity.
Good thing you scored brownie points with the career advise and the talking about accounting. You see? ^_^ That's the man we all like!!!
Now, there's the other thing. Yes you were very, very polite and gentleman like towards me but you completely ignored my friends and you were downright rude to them. This doesn't show that you are a gentleman, it shows that you are phony, have no education and your whole "politeness" is a charade to impress. Not helping my friend off the bus, but run to the other door to help me was rude. Ignoring the fact that she didn't wish to hear about a seedy lyric, no matter if you were making a point was rude. I don't know if someone has breaken it down for you, but words can be harmful, and we women find certain words, seedy words far more offensive than you dudes seem to. I'm a badmouthed bitch, and even I resent the use of certain words. In discomfort I laugh or smile or try to play along, but, in case you can't tell, when the corner of my mouth tenses, whatever face I'm doing, means that I'm displeasd or uncomfortable with a given situation.
Now, I do tried to bring it down to you the last time we met, but you seemed anything but amenable for the discussion. I was wondering how can I tell you this in a civilized, polite and nice way, and really, I still mean it constructively (though I'm a bull in a china store right now. Then we had this conversation about your appreciations of me when I was tipsy. Honestly, I was flabbergasted at what you said. For the record, I do remember everything, and I have no idea what you saw, but I know how I felt and what I was doing. It's worrisome that you take "feeling funky" for being "vulnerable" and "far more open than usual". Dude, I was only feeling funky, and when I feel funky I get cozy with people, cuddle a lot and laugh like a maniac. Since I was still in posession of my senses, I asked you several times if you were mad because:
1. I knew I was being too funky, too loose with my crazy stuff compared with my usual gathered self.
2. You were so silent and retrieved I thought you might be mad.
3. Tipsy or sane, I have a short span memory.
I tried to reason with you without telling you something as hurtful as: "Dude, it could be you or anyone, I wasn't serious and I had no intention of being serious". Then, I have taken cabs home in that state, and I'm fine and get home fine. Thanks for worrying about me, but now I worry about you.
You were dead-set on the idea that I was asking your approval. Sugar, I can be STONED, and yet I don't seek the aproval of anyone. Dude, I don't even seek the aproval of my bosses, and I really should. I was relaxed. That was it. I was plain relaxed and goofy. However you took what you saw and gave to it a different interpretation. Bunny's vulnerable, lowered ego&pride (Dude, not even dead and burried) and seeking aproval. It made me think, think about what might be the real situation with a certain girl you like, whose affections you try to buy with clothes and food and stuff, parenting over her. I can't tell you how to see the real life, because let's be honest, I only see the part I like and send the rest to rot in Hell. Granted, I have my fair share of flaws and all, but, dude, yours worry me because it seems you are living in a world with a distorted image. You are smart and you are used to read between the lines in your work, but in the social sphere, particularly among women, you read "into" the lines the things you wish to read. I know you care for me and I know you have ideas, and I'm also aware that you sometimes have feelings and ideas I wouldn't ever aprove spoken outloud. However, now it is my time to concern about you and your vision of others.
I'm afraid that something is keeping you back from just becoming a grown up. Part of you is a man already, but a large portion is still a teen. Please take some time and think about what is not letting you grow up.
Now, there's something that really has me troubled. You said that when I was tipsy (relaxed and goofy) you felt you didn't have to make the effort to raise to my level. I'm aware that sometimes I do have to keep you somewhat leashed because some of your outbursts embarass me deeply (okay, and I was a total DORK when I banged my head on the wall... point taken), and I'm aware that I act a lot of times like an uptight governness cutting your expression, supressing you in the areas where I feel you run again waay too "okatu" or was too "teen" or way too "nerdy" or way too "tacky" for my liking. Perhaps that's not the best way to keep up a friendship. However, being enlightened about you "having to keep up with me" struck me painfully. Does it means that all the conversations we had that I enjoyed so deeply were not "you"? Honey, you are nor supposed to push up for me, but relax with me. If you have to make an effort and stay in your toes around me... then the guy I have known... has been "created" by you for me to like? I'm not sure I want that.
I'm not good at going over this, but I would like you to keep it inside yourself and decide what's next. I know I don't want to hang around with a phony, and I really, really would miss my book-friend who has recommended me such great books.
If you ask me my opinion, I believe you have spent a lot of your time with lesser friends that got you used to the "porky" style, which has lowered your regular standards. I believe that you are the smarter, more refined version. Shed your mask. You are no longer a teen, you don't have to be liked by them.
You Have Lost Your Right to Bitch
"Two for the Price of One". No Dude. I can't say I have been framed, because I have not been framed. From day one, I knew it was not going to be good. Though I would have a LOAD to say here, I don't want my gums to break in the Blood Niagara again. However I have to say this:
Bitches, you have lost your right to complain about not having work to do when you don't even do the work I assign to you. I like you guys, I really do. Well, maybe I don't like You so much, but I'm being as nice and polite as I can. Now, I can't give you more work that what I have to give to you. As soon as it is dished out to me, I pass it on to you. Now, it's a surprise to me to realize none of you have the basic academical knowledge required to work with fees. This is a mistake of our severely stupid boss. One of you, according to what you do, shouldn't even been listed in Fees, but in the other part. Not that I'm complaining, as dude, you are the only nice and reasonable one here. Really, I'm here to help you as much as I can, but please try to understand that I CAN'T and I WON'T think for you. Is that clear? I know you can't do this now, but either you get creative, or I'll kindly suggest you to take the first promotion out of this joint.
Watch Who You Mess Up With
Well, I was handling the previous load sort of nice, recovering for a mouthbleeding that had me go goofy from bloodlost around my lovely pack, when I just got disrrupted by the most obnoxious of reasons: ill intentioned gossip. I flapped down my Igor to attend a meeting, which went so-so after I had a gigamontic proportioned argument with my former boss, who is a total asshole, you mind, and what do I see, but a blinking google-talk window from snyegorochka. Her lines were simple and to the point:
"Hello. Longtime no see. Deathscythe is talking ill of you."
Well, I wasn't in my best mood for that kind of things, starting with the fact that I happen to know that my beloved and only CyberTwin, Deathscythe would NEVER talk ill of me, or harm me in any way. So, wishing to tackle the matter fast I told my friend that I found that odd. She sort of told me that, well, he was "speaking ill on my behalf". I understand my friend is trying to protect me and I appreciate that, but I really don't have to be protected from someone I trust like I trust my sibling, right? I insisted that it would be strange that he would speak ill or harm me, since I know him, when she mentioned that my brother got into an argument with "Saku" and that in it my brother said "my best friend HEXE told me that..." (Journalist's Note: "Hexe" was one of my many nicknames a long time ago. My Cyber Twin still refers to me with that, just as I still call him with his old nick: Deathscythe.). Okay, what's so wrong with that? I happen to SPEAK to my brother, quite often, thank you very much, and we go out drinking and all that, like any regular, normal pair of siblings. Siblings do that. Siblings hang out, drink, confide in each other, are happy for each other (^_^ He's going to get married!!!!) and defend each other. snyegurochka told me she was going to send me a message with what he said. I picked up the phone and called him.
"Love!!" he greated me all happy and smiley.
"Honey!!"
"What happened?"
"Say, I just heard that you 'spoke in my behalf' in some matter?"
He laughed his good natured laugher.
"I knew they were going to call you about that."
I smiled at him. My twin brother is such a strategist. You can't fool him.
"Well, they did. But I wanna know the truth from you."
He sighed and told me.
"Your friend Sakura is a Spammer. There was a post about it and I talked about cleaning up the place from all spamms, erasing them. Since she's a major spammer, she got offended and started a fight with me."
I hummed so happy inside as I saw my lovely twin brother keeping up with this "Cleansing" schedule we developed when we were the Top Dogs of an old and extinguished anime board. 17&18. Only we call each other like that. That's our "family pet name". We were death and horror. He continued.
"Along the fight she at some point came out saying that I was fighting her for a "truth" she said which hurt me. THERE is where I replied to her that YOU told me all the shit she said about me."
I laughed and he laughed with me.
"I mean," he continued, "I was going to keep that private, but she boosted it out in the open and now that I faced her with her lies she denies them. She says she only said one of them."
In the meantime I got the mail from snyegurochka with a copy of the two comments, no mention that it was in an entry about spammers. I read the lines, and my brother was acurate. Yes, Marie-Joséphine told me all that the last time I saw her, along with more outrageous lies. I typed back at snyegurochka that I had indeed told those things to Deathscythe and those were told to me by "Saku" (also mentioned here as Marie-Joséphine). Well, unable to defuse the bomb, since yes, I told her I told him that and that Marie-Joséphine told me that, she got tangled telling me that, well, all of that was true. No, it is not, it's Marie-Joséphines vicious liying. Then, why was so BAD if all that was "so true" that MY SIBLING called me as his SOURCE of that info... and the source from where it came?
She insisted that the same information comes from different sources. Does that make it true? Adolf Hitler once said: "If the lie is big enough, a lot of people will believe it". People my believe it, but that doesn't make it true. A bunch of ill intentioned gossipers don't create a truth, they create problems. Honey, your sources are all a bunch of gossiping kids. The aggregated (means the total summ of all of the...)maturity level of the bunch doesn't even grasp the average maturity of a tewlve year old child. No, this is not an average, it's the adding of all the inner ages of all the group members.
Then we got tangled in a discussion about who knew Deathscythe better and what kind of a guy is he and so and so.
Now, lets get something clear here, shall we?
1. I do not appreciate gossip. I know people from your circle can't go a day without mentioning my name, but that is not my business. If my name become sthe daily prayer of someone, be it. If someone is so Hexe-Obssessed that said person NEEDS to pathologically speak about me, keeps a shrine with my pictures and lives in a fantasy world where "we talk" and I communicate my wisdom and holly will, well, I'm so very sorry for that person, and I hope he or she gets professional help, but still, it has noting to do with me. If someone decides to kill himself or herself because I'm so... geez, beautiful, smart, awesome, egotisitical or, well, because of some invented characteristic, I give my condolences to friends and family, but it is not my business. If someone writes fanfiction about me (as long as they disclaim it properly and don't make any money out of it), then be my guest, and still, ain't my stepping business. I have died for the anime a long time ago and have not returned since. I do not intend to either. Please, keep me out of your otaku/gossiper lives. I am not interested of what happens there or doesn't happen there.
2. You don't come and badmouth Deathscythe with me. I don't care if you know him since birth, I know him when he's with me and I know how he relates to me. Now this is not some kind of misplaced loyalty, as it happens often in your circle of friends, but this is fraternal love. He can bet his head in the fact that I would NEVER harm him or speak ill of him, and I can do the same. We are siblings. We are twin siblings and we care for each other, so watch it before you say something about him.
I really, really love snyegurochka a lot because of her striking personality and her sizzling mind, and I would hate for anything to blemish our frienship. Now, she's a smart girl and I'm sure she will keep from commenting these kind of things again. Which becomes sticky among us is her tight friendship with Marie-Joséphine.
Now lets speak openly about the matter. Once Marie-Joséphine asked me, regarding an entry I wrote, in what do I felt she had changed. It was hard to compress in words, or kind words the following:
"I miss the person you where when you were with me."
Meaning, now I know that she wasn't really the person she pretended to be when she was with me, and I really liked that lie. I liked the persona she invented to please me, and I took her for granted. Well, forgive me for not submitting her to a lie deteector or a full psychological test. I was happy with what I saw, and I bought the lie. I thought, and I still think that people has no reason to make up a "persona" when they meet you or they approach you in a friendly way. Everybody want to have friends, and you befriend what you see. I was the friend of that made up persona, never the friend of whatever lies beneath. Crippled or sane, I never knew her, or that. In what has she changed? Well, how the hell should I know, when all that was presented to me was a lie? I dunno. If I peel back what I saw then and try to find a common place, some axis that remains constant I would say that she's an empty shell. Excesively dependant, insecure, bluffing, and a compulsive liar. The kind of person that would do anything to get attention. The kind of woman who constantly needs to be rescued and admired. All those features, I truly despise, so I honestly hope that something of the "shell" was real, even if with her new assumed personality she doesn't have them. Why doesn't she rely in who she is and what she can accomplish, I have no idea.
Call me a "romantic", but I do believe there must be something good in her, or maybe I just don't want to feel fooled by some loser and robbed of my precious time which I could have inverted more profitably in... brushing my hair. Since her lies no longer amuse me, and they have gone kinda monothematic despise the fact that she can tell you the exact same thing with so many versions she's like living her own AU. (like try the 1001 tales about Wake and Clow... I have heard SO MANY versions of it you would not believe it!! I was joking one day and said:
"In the even months Wake is Good and Clow is Evil. In the odd months Wake is Evil and Clow is Good.")
So, in order to avoid all of her crap, I have decided to keep the topic of conversation strictly on trivial matters, cutting her off when she's derailing. Yes, I have spoken to her ever so rarely, and topics usually fade in boredom. It's sad, but this is how it is. In a way I still hope we can just keep up a coffeehouse kind of acquaintance where we gather to speak nonesense, and just keep all the touchy stuff out. It is hard to keep her in track when you are face to face with her, but then a Heineken can straighten a few minutes before you deter the conversation to something fluffy again. Then again, sometimes even fluffy stuff flow so hard between us, and it becomes ever so ennervating when she turns into a "yes-man". Now, this is the way I deal with her.
She has done serious damage to people with her behavior, her lies and her gossip. I want no part of it and so I request snyegurochka politely to keep Marie-Joséphine out of the conversation. Yes, sure, I am concerned about her welfare, and I would like her to be happy, but her lies and her gossips are not part of what I wish to know about her. There's a difference between getting mad at a friend and vent a little, Hyne knows how many times I have been mad at shota_hunter and steamed some of that, and the same goes around (though I guess I have made her mad at me more than she has made me mad because, really, she's such a doll), BUT lies and ill intentioned gossip out of the blue are something different. Hell, I just vented solid paragraphs about one of my best friends!!! It is not the same thing.
There's people you don't mess with. I know my loyalties: I'm loyal EXCLUSIVELY to God and Myself. Then I know whom I love. Deathscythe has never disappointed me, has never lied to me. NEVER. He has proven to be straight with me, and clear like a glass of water. That's more than what I can say of other people. This is a matter of trust. Trust earned and kept through long years, and that, baby, can't be reached with lies and fantastic stories, or childish ganging up and kid-fighting.
I am far too old to partake in childish crusades and alliances to gang up one against the other. If you are as kiddish as to engage in a stick-and-stones fight, be my guest, but don't keep me posted. If I were so interested I'll be reading "Marcos Ramírez" or the "Kids of the Pal Street". Now, I would refrain from advising snyegurochka to reconsider the level of engagement with some of her friends, for they might bring her more harm than profit, but instead trust her judgment and hope she knows well the choices she's doing. I do not wish to lose her friendship, because she means the world to me (and her husband should not be jealous, after all he got her and married her!!!), and I also hope deep inside that the level of acquintance I still can keep with Marie-Joséphine in the hopes to be there when she finally wakes up from the mess will continue unchanged (though after speaking out here I much doubt that), because at least I'm really curious what she would be like when she decides to give herself a chance at being herself and not a carbon copy of what she thinks others expect her to be. (I must believe this comes from growing up in such a restrictive family like hers.)
Well, it's late and the bull in the chinastore has done plenty of damage. I have been thinking about that fic-collection all slavery-themed, and all of them about luxury birds... The Nightingale, the Peacock, The Swan and the Cannary. The Nightingale is particularly strong in my mind now. I got off my chest a few things I had to say, maybe they are too messy, maybe they are too raw or too harsh, but none of them where with the intention of hurting anyone. Yeah, hard to believe, but true. After all, please remember that this is my LJ and in here I can vent all I want and say all I want and there's nothing you can do about it. I have the right to express myself and in here I also have the right to block you out. I took on the chance of saying things as I feel them, uncensored (well, as much as a Cancer and a Dragon can handle that), and if anyone feels bad about it, dude, too bad. Go get therapy or something.
Love to All,
Locky The Bunny