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Sometimes I think, if only Buffy could see me now. No, that's a total lie. I think that all the time. When I'm at the mall with Janice and I'm teaching her to steal, or when I'm at the Bronze, or when I'm in some guy's bed, her face always swims up behind my eyelids and I give her the look I think she'd be wearing. If only she could see me now.
I wonder about mom, too, sometimes, but I don't like to think about her.
It was Buffy. Buffy that left me, that made her stupid sacrifice and left us all. I spend weeks locked up in my room, sometimes hysterical, sometimes practically lethargic, just hating myself. Why hadn't she let me jump? Why did she have to go and be so fucking heroic? The world needed the Slayer. It didn't need a stupid teenager made out of a green ball of world-destroying energy. I was fucking expendable and I hated that about myself, but what I hated the most was the fact that I was here and she wasn't. In what kind of world was that right?
Her death, it fucked everything up too. I had Spike for a while, 'cause he promised he'd protect me. And I liked that. He kinda knew what I was going through, in a weird way, 'cause neither of us were really human and I guess we were always kinda the outsiders. I hung out with him all the time, because he made me feel calm. Like everything would be okay somehow. Then they made him leave.
I can't even remember how many times I had screamed at Willow and Xander, how many times I had thrown shit at them and run away from them. They had tried to bring Buffy back. And didn't tell me. And failed. As Buffy's little sister and the cause of her death, you'd think I'd have the right to know. Apparently not. I'm not whatever enough. And then they made Spike leave, 'cause he was pissed too, and then I had no one. They said they were gonna take care of me. But they took away the one person that really understood me, the one person who really could take care of me. They just didn't get it. I didn't speak to them for weeks, literally.
And then we drifted apart. Xander was totally lost, floating, and Anya was there. She was okay, in that weird blunt way, but she was so damn clingy, he always had to be around her. I was okay with that. The less I saw of Xander, the better. He just didn't get it. And Willow. She got into magic, like, hard. She was out with Amy all the time, doing fuck knows what. Then she and Tara broke up.
I wanted Tara to stay with me. She was the only one left that really got me, even a little bit, and the only one that seemed to care. So we kinda kicked Willow out, because they couldn't be together anymore. I mean, she was fucked up. And Tara had tried to help, but there's so much a person can put up with. I thought it was my fault, again, because it was my fault that Buffy was gone and without her, things just fell apart. I couldn't keep them together. Nobody could. So then it was just me and Tara.
She kept me from the worst, I guess, although right now I'm not sure what 'the worst' would be. I'm not dead yet, I guess. I still go to school, most of the time. I'm not a druggie or anything. But that summer really sent us all downhill. We were all broken and scattered. And I really fucked myself up.
I started stealing, like, really badly. If I saw anything I wanted, I took it. It didn't matter. I got way good at it, too, even taught Janice to do it. I'd come back from the ball with my bag full of stolen shit. I started dressing differently, too, more like her, I guess, but a little bit different. Darker, I guess. Kinda like Faith used to. Although in reality, I never knew Faith. Whatever.
Then people started noticing me. I lost my virginity three days after my sixteenth birthday to a high school guy that never called and I didn't want him to. Not how I imagined my first time to be. But then there were others. I think Tara knew, but she never really said anything. I hated seeing that look in her eyes, so I tried to be more sneaky about it. What they don't know and all that. And I wasn't a slut or anything. I played hard to get. People didn't talk, really. Maybe they were a little scared of me.
Hex me
Told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over
I was at the Bronze, of course, 'cause where else would I be? I couldn't stay at home, my skin felt too tight, I couldn't concentrate. Didn't want to be in a place where it was quiet enough to think. So I dragged Janice out here. Her mom says I'm a bad influence but like she's gonna listen to her mom. We got all dressed up at my house and came over. Short skirts, tall boots, tight tops, our hair all loose and crazy in waves, dark eyeliner. We were hot, and we knew it, and the guys did too. They practically surrounded us, but it was like they were too afraid to touch. Like we were sacred. We moved to the music and I eyed them all carefully, wondering which one I would pick tonight.
Who's gonna be the lucky one?
I wonder about mom, too, sometimes, but I don't like to think about her.
It was Buffy. Buffy that left me, that made her stupid sacrifice and left us all. I spend weeks locked up in my room, sometimes hysterical, sometimes practically lethargic, just hating myself. Why hadn't she let me jump? Why did she have to go and be so fucking heroic? The world needed the Slayer. It didn't need a stupid teenager made out of a green ball of world-destroying energy. I was fucking expendable and I hated that about myself, but what I hated the most was the fact that I was here and she wasn't. In what kind of world was that right?
Her death, it fucked everything up too. I had Spike for a while, 'cause he promised he'd protect me. And I liked that. He kinda knew what I was going through, in a weird way, 'cause neither of us were really human and I guess we were always kinda the outsiders. I hung out with him all the time, because he made me feel calm. Like everything would be okay somehow. Then they made him leave.
I can't even remember how many times I had screamed at Willow and Xander, how many times I had thrown shit at them and run away from them. They had tried to bring Buffy back. And didn't tell me. And failed. As Buffy's little sister and the cause of her death, you'd think I'd have the right to know. Apparently not. I'm not whatever enough. And then they made Spike leave, 'cause he was pissed too, and then I had no one. They said they were gonna take care of me. But they took away the one person that really understood me, the one person who really could take care of me. They just didn't get it. I didn't speak to them for weeks, literally.
And then we drifted apart. Xander was totally lost, floating, and Anya was there. She was okay, in that weird blunt way, but she was so damn clingy, he always had to be around her. I was okay with that. The less I saw of Xander, the better. He just didn't get it. And Willow. She got into magic, like, hard. She was out with Amy all the time, doing fuck knows what. Then she and Tara broke up.
I wanted Tara to stay with me. She was the only one left that really got me, even a little bit, and the only one that seemed to care. So we kinda kicked Willow out, because they couldn't be together anymore. I mean, she was fucked up. And Tara had tried to help, but there's so much a person can put up with. I thought it was my fault, again, because it was my fault that Buffy was gone and without her, things just fell apart. I couldn't keep them together. Nobody could. So then it was just me and Tara.
She kept me from the worst, I guess, although right now I'm not sure what 'the worst' would be. I'm not dead yet, I guess. I still go to school, most of the time. I'm not a druggie or anything. But that summer really sent us all downhill. We were all broken and scattered. And I really fucked myself up.
I started stealing, like, really badly. If I saw anything I wanted, I took it. It didn't matter. I got way good at it, too, even taught Janice to do it. I'd come back from the ball with my bag full of stolen shit. I started dressing differently, too, more like her, I guess, but a little bit different. Darker, I guess. Kinda like Faith used to. Although in reality, I never knew Faith. Whatever.
Then people started noticing me. I lost my virginity three days after my sixteenth birthday to a high school guy that never called and I didn't want him to. Not how I imagined my first time to be. But then there were others. I think Tara knew, but she never really said anything. I hated seeing that look in her eyes, so I tried to be more sneaky about it. What they don't know and all that. And I wasn't a slut or anything. I played hard to get. People didn't talk, really. Maybe they were a little scared of me.
Hex me
Told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over
I was at the Bronze, of course, 'cause where else would I be? I couldn't stay at home, my skin felt too tight, I couldn't concentrate. Didn't want to be in a place where it was quiet enough to think. So I dragged Janice out here. Her mom says I'm a bad influence but like she's gonna listen to her mom. We got all dressed up at my house and came over. Short skirts, tall boots, tight tops, our hair all loose and crazy in waves, dark eyeliner. We were hot, and we knew it, and the guys did too. They practically surrounded us, but it was like they were too afraid to touch. Like we were sacred. We moved to the music and I eyed them all carefully, wondering which one I would pick tonight.
Who's gonna be the lucky one?