Part CCCXXI - where clarity loses focus
Sometimes I feel like I have these moments of clarity. Where everything makes sense, and nothing, all at the same time. Like I'm spinning out of control, but my self-reflection is crystal clear, and still, like a river that's just stopped all its current. and it's terrifying, terrifying to think that...maybe that's all there is to it. maybe there's nothing but where i am and who i am right this very minute. Maybe it's about being me and finding me and ...expressing me.
But i get so frustrated. Like smoking cigarettes and viewing hundreds of images on a glowing screen is suddenly going to make me fit in.
I feel like i was born in the wrong decade.
I wonder what it would be like to be glamorous, or even if my body and mind could handle it. all the skepticism of the media, and all the demands of society. would i just be another drug addict on the street or could i be that princess in a fifth avenue apartment?
right now i don't think i can be anything.
I want to be something. i want to be someone that people remember. that when i die they don't just say i was a crazy teenager, with severe undiagnosed psychoses. i want to be pretty. and i want to cut off all my hair. and wear too much eyeliner. and smoke too many cigarettes. and dance.
i want to dance. like i don't have a care in the world. like it's 5am on a street in new york and it doesn't matter who's watching because i just want to dance.
and i want to wear dresses, and drink, and go to parties, and clubs, and new gallery openings. I want to take a cab because i can afford to not take the subway. and be lavish and a socialite and know people.
and make people WANT to know me.
but no one wants to know me.
i'm scared. because i think i'm ugly.
and i'm scared. because what if no one ever really knows me? what if i just drift away as a misunderstood girl curled up in a blanket at 5am on a street corner? or when i die people wonder how much more there was to me?
i feel lonely on nights like this. when clarity comes and i don't want to look inside myself but i don't know where else to look.
because no one wants to be my voice on the other end of the telephone.
But i get so frustrated. Like smoking cigarettes and viewing hundreds of images on a glowing screen is suddenly going to make me fit in.
I feel like i was born in the wrong decade.
I wonder what it would be like to be glamorous, or even if my body and mind could handle it. all the skepticism of the media, and all the demands of society. would i just be another drug addict on the street or could i be that princess in a fifth avenue apartment?
right now i don't think i can be anything.
I want to be something. i want to be someone that people remember. that when i die they don't just say i was a crazy teenager, with severe undiagnosed psychoses. i want to be pretty. and i want to cut off all my hair. and wear too much eyeliner. and smoke too many cigarettes. and dance.
i want to dance. like i don't have a care in the world. like it's 5am on a street in new york and it doesn't matter who's watching because i just want to dance.
and i want to wear dresses, and drink, and go to parties, and clubs, and new gallery openings. I want to take a cab because i can afford to not take the subway. and be lavish and a socialite and know people.
and make people WANT to know me.
but no one wants to know me.
i'm scared. because i think i'm ugly.
and i'm scared. because what if no one ever really knows me? what if i just drift away as a misunderstood girl curled up in a blanket at 5am on a street corner? or when i die people wonder how much more there was to me?
i feel lonely on nights like this. when clarity comes and i don't want to look inside myself but i don't know where else to look.
because no one wants to be my voice on the other end of the telephone.