Part CCCXIX - where getting lost seems familiar
today's not a great space. it's one of those where i wonder why everything doesn't seem to fit right. and it's not that i didn't have a good day, because usually nights like these come after everything has gone surprisingly right.
and i cried in the kitchen today, but not tears of pain or hurt, tears of frustration that i finally needed to let go. tears of tension that have been weighing me down so much i can't close my eyes because all i do is think and overthink.
and i was called wonderful, and i gave people perspective on their lives, and then, i wondered, where was my perspective. i keep thinking "it's because you're in the middle of it," but that doesn't feel right. in the middle of what? i'm not doing anything. i'm not lost, i'm not struggling, i'm just here.
here. existing. stuck.
and i'm lonely. but not because i don't have friends, or i'm not seeing anyone. but because i don't have friends inside my shell. i've broken down so many walls, why do i always rebuild them?
i don't know what to do, and i don't know where to go. i feel detached, and, i feel like i should be asking for help. but everyone seems so bogged down in their own murky mud pond of issues that i don't want to get in the middle. i don't want to be a burden.
and i cried in the kitchen today, but not tears of pain or hurt, tears of frustration that i finally needed to let go. tears of tension that have been weighing me down so much i can't close my eyes because all i do is think and overthink.
and i was called wonderful, and i gave people perspective on their lives, and then, i wondered, where was my perspective. i keep thinking "it's because you're in the middle of it," but that doesn't feel right. in the middle of what? i'm not doing anything. i'm not lost, i'm not struggling, i'm just here.
here. existing. stuck.
and i'm lonely. but not because i don't have friends, or i'm not seeing anyone. but because i don't have friends inside my shell. i've broken down so many walls, why do i always rebuild them?
i don't know what to do, and i don't know where to go. i feel detached, and, i feel like i should be asking for help. but everyone seems so bogged down in their own murky mud pond of issues that i don't want to get in the middle. i don't want to be a burden.