What to do
I woke up twice last night because I was having a full blown panic attack in my sleep. Panic attack like I haven't had in years... I thought I was dying. I didn't even know it was possible to have a panic attack in one's sleep. It took me forever to calm down and get back to sleep after each.
I tried to get some work done yesterday. I have been setting an alarm for 1/2 hour. I seem to be able to hold concentration for small periods of time, and get less frustrated if I take frequent breaks. After a break though, it is so hard to get going again, that I feel like I spend the 1st 15 mins. of my half hour of working time just trying to push through the fog that's muddling up my thinking.
I called a crisis line yesterday because I didn't know where else to turn. I am so frustrated at not being able to do anything. I am terrified that what I have feared is coming true for once: I am breaking down in the middle of earning my degree. I tried to talk to this crisis counsellor. She more or less told me that she couldn't help me because I am not suicidal and that I need to go to a regular counsellor who can track me on a regular basis. I told her I've tried to do that, but that I made an appointment three weeks ago and it was cancelled because of the snow. She told me that three weeks of waiting time is nothing. In the regional system, people are waiting for three to six months to see a counsellor, so I am lucky to be a student. She did try to be helpful, and talked to me for a while, but really there was nothing she could do.
This morning I feel like my head is so thick in the clouds I can't think. I look at the words on the pages of my books and they waver and jumble up. I don't even know the words I am typing as I type them.
I don't want to die, I don't want to drop out. I just want not to feel like this. I can't work like this. I can't be like this. I am trying every trick I've spent all these years learning and they are just not cutting it, only taking the edge off.
When I try to talk to people, they tell me I'll be fine cause I am always fine. Other people who wouldn't tell me that are having crises themselves, so I don't feel like it's right to turn to them. S-J, my only close friend here, has been so good to me, but I don't want to burden her only. My family worries so much. I don't want to strain my professional relationship with my profs. I just don't know where to go from here, and I hate that I don't know. I know it is only me who can make me better, and make choices for me, but it's like I just don't know where to begin.
I tried to get some work done yesterday. I have been setting an alarm for 1/2 hour. I seem to be able to hold concentration for small periods of time, and get less frustrated if I take frequent breaks. After a break though, it is so hard to get going again, that I feel like I spend the 1st 15 mins. of my half hour of working time just trying to push through the fog that's muddling up my thinking.
I called a crisis line yesterday because I didn't know where else to turn. I am so frustrated at not being able to do anything. I am terrified that what I have feared is coming true for once: I am breaking down in the middle of earning my degree. I tried to talk to this crisis counsellor. She more or less told me that she couldn't help me because I am not suicidal and that I need to go to a regular counsellor who can track me on a regular basis. I told her I've tried to do that, but that I made an appointment three weeks ago and it was cancelled because of the snow. She told me that three weeks of waiting time is nothing. In the regional system, people are waiting for three to six months to see a counsellor, so I am lucky to be a student. She did try to be helpful, and talked to me for a while, but really there was nothing she could do.
This morning I feel like my head is so thick in the clouds I can't think. I look at the words on the pages of my books and they waver and jumble up. I don't even know the words I am typing as I type them.
I don't want to die, I don't want to drop out. I just want not to feel like this. I can't work like this. I can't be like this. I am trying every trick I've spent all these years learning and they are just not cutting it, only taking the edge off.
When I try to talk to people, they tell me I'll be fine cause I am always fine. Other people who wouldn't tell me that are having crises themselves, so I don't feel like it's right to turn to them. S-J, my only close friend here, has been so good to me, but I don't want to burden her only. My family worries so much. I don't want to strain my professional relationship with my profs. I just don't know where to go from here, and I hate that I don't know. I know it is only me who can make me better, and make choices for me, but it's like I just don't know where to begin.