I'm in a funk tonight. Once again I failed to get into classes. This time the reason being when I went to apply for the non-degree seeking program, there was a nice message saying "Due to high demand from regular students filling up the classes, this program has been cancelled for fall and spring semesters." So I'm SOL for another year.
I feel stagnant, perhaps because I am. I really want a person in my life to tell me where to go, how to live, what to do. Isn't it bad to want to give up control like that? Isn't it lazy? But it's a weird type of laziness; when I have a direction, clear steps to follow, and well-defined boundaries, I tend to succeed the most. School being the perfect example. I know being an adult is figuring these things out for yourself, but I just feel like I -can't-. I don't have any sane, logical reason for being this way. It's not being apathetic, it's being overwhelmed. The sheer quantity of choices overwhelms me. I don't know what to pick, I'm terrified of picking "wrong." This fear of being wrong, of being criticized, has been bred into me from an early age. My parents were wonderful in many respects, but they also made me fear failure and be reliant upon others to choose things for me. 2 years out of college and I still don't know what I want to do, or how to choose it.
Sorry sorry, I complain a lot. My life isn't bad. I have a lot of good going for me, including a stable job, a great girlfriend, several very good friends, a loving family, and a few friends here in Gainesville. My health is generally good, and I'm young.
But I just feel so overwhelmed. It seems like I need a purpose. I have a clingy personality that I try to fight against. I cling to the familiar, I specialize in small aspects. I'm a professional when it comes to World of Warcraft, for example, despite not playing it. I can argue religion, politics, media, current events. Given the chance I could offer many good ways to control your diet and lose weight :-P But none of these give me purpose. I think I'm troubled by the fact that I need to accept that what I am living IS life. I'm not going to get back to the undergraduate years, or the high school years. What I need to do is find a better paying job, marry, and start a family. But it seems so WRONG to make a family my purpose simply because I don't have anything else to fill that hole. Hence why I really love being with Eva, but I try not to invest TOO much, knowing how easy young relationships can end.
One of my major problems too is how much I look back; probably because I lack anything to look forward to, and really I don't do much right now anyway. I should take this time to try and find some activities in Gainesville; and actually, I already signed up for ballroom dance lessons (haha, should be interesting!). Again, I don't know how to do that. Sigh, and I'm back to complaining. Questions on my mind right now:
1. Do I buy a new graphics card?
2. Do I buy a new videogame system?
3. When am I getting my oil changed?
4. When am I getting new glasses?
I guess I should just focus on what I can do for now, huh? That's all there is to it! Ciao!
~Paul
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