exanimate.
STILLBREATHING&STILLLIVING
& from this I come back with my heart
It's here.
A low buzz a humm, almost unheard
by the human ear, is the beating.
I'm left in the dust, it all remains to near.
It's close.
A race to see which thoughts will
develop first, which will I be fast
enough to hold onto, a race & I am
the only one playing.
Words, letters put together to make
normally incoherant sentences, that
mean the whole world to me right at
this moment. My eyes are close and
all I hear are the lyrics my beating
heart pumps out for me. It's all too
familiar, all too familiar.
I wanted a means to an end, and you
are that meaning. You are the definition
of the betrayl, and I let you define me.
I can't look back without a pain in my
stomach, I saw you face and wanted to
erase it from my memory. Words already
spoken, all have a new meaning, it's honesty.
Lies you put into my mind with hot coals,
they char me & I can't stand to burn any longer.
Years upon years of fond memories all take
on a new life inside of my mind & imagination.
I rewind the film strips & ticket stubs &
wonder where your heart was this whole time.
Or was it just lost when you decided to hurt mine?
I'm completely oblivious to the concept of
you taking on the heart you fell for, and
making it into a lifeless & useless organ.
Was it truly that easy? What were your complete
and exact thoughts as you slid into her?
Could I even begin to recall the satisfaction
you must has felt when you believed that I was
buying into your lies.
I only bought into your eyes.
I held onto the past & what it held
as a testament to you, lies.
I crawl back and cringe.
I crawl up & think.
think.
think.
think.
All the queations that my mind could
have ever produced have never been answered,
but there is no longer a need for all that.
I could die without their assistance.
I hold back the blood, I hold onto the veins.
I want to let that beat come back, I want my
heart to be engulfed in feeling & emotion.
I need to breathe, it needs oxygen.
I want to continue. It's so close.
My eyes are no longer blind, I have
freed them of their covers & I am
susceptible of cutting off
my sight once again.
But I will cut my feet off at the
thick tendon of my ankle before I take
a step back for you I will only move forward.
And it's here.
It's time.
To move on.
& THIS IS MY LAST GOODBYE.