today?
im not myself today. the chair i sit in has clothes all over it; my ass doesnt plop properly. i watch that old Replacements video, the one with the speaker pounding in it. Bastards of Young. one of my favorites. i cant even sit still alongside the dude on the lazyboy. i go to work, and decide to let someone else deal with it. new managers, new rules. something's not right. my volvo starts now (meow?), but its face is not the same. laila begs to go out, but doesnt know what for. zelda is an ugly nightmare.i take a shot, smoke a cigarette, and then holy smoke. nothing. nothing familiar, no peace. i cannot focus. i don't want to focus. i hate the holidays. i feel like the shit i do and call reality is never enough for the ones down south. i never have presents. 'you ruined christmas, charlie brown!' many thoughts everywhere: utilities? insurance? bank? school? financial aid? car? work? dog? yourself? man - all those other dues i supposedly payed didn't mean anything, Moirai? i bore myself to sleep, then wake myself up with the same apprehensions. i think about my dreams. usually with motorcycles and the past and ishwar and some apocalyptic background. i always get what i want, but by that time i know that it is all a dream. boo fucking hoo. i see my grandfather and tell him so. i feel particularly happy and i tell myself so. im just not myself today. im just not myself.