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Jul 24, 2012 20:00

The hardest part about explaining the difference between "alone" and "lonely" is that awkward moment when someone asks "Why?" I never have a good answer so I just shrug and blame it on genetics, wiring, the flight of the unladen swallow - whatever silly excuse I can pull out to end an uncomfortable conversation.

And then you go home, you feed your cat, you admire your books, and the answer is right there - you haven't looked for a challenge. You haven't looked for someone who inspires you to grow. You've met plenty of challenging people but never someone you want to grow _for_.

So the reassesment comes late at night when you can't sleep and the rain is a soft shower over a parched earth and you realize, huh - what am I living for?

Work comes in the morning and your day seems a little different. Something bothers you about the dawn's tone but it's not an unpleasant feeling. You realize months later that it's no longer "live each day as though it were your last" but rather "each day is a blessing, don't squander." With it, a lot of unsettling inner noise ended and you don't mind going to work, you don't mind bullshitting, you don't mind the annoyances, the petty squabbles and the ridiculous grievances people employ to distract themselves. The difference is still unnerving, though, and you can't explain it - only in retrospect do you understand it.

"Speech has no meaning unless there are attentive minds and silent hearts. Silence is the welcoming acceptance of the other. The word born of silence must be received in silence."

When I figure out what this word means, I might share it. But I dare not share too soon only to watch it burp out of my mouth, still-born and callow.
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