[Conversations] Lizard people rule the world
One of my colleagues is prone to... hysterics, I suppose, though mostly out of fun. He's also a fan of weird science fiction tropes, like, oh, the TV series, V, or, well, lizard people in general (don't ask, because I really don't know).
After a what the hell discussion about a problem we've been having, and coming up with no conclusions except to commiserate and agree, yes, there's a problem, fuck if we know what to do about it, I got up and was about to leave his office.
Right away, he notices something.
Coworker: You're peeling.
Me (annoyed): Yeah, I'm peeling. It's been three weeks since my vacation, why am I peeling now? Do you see how much it's peeling? It's like I'm growing an entirely new skin. It's just coming off --
Coworker: It's almost like you're a lizard.
I look at him in some alarm. Maybe the subconscious fear-motivator that's my hind brain reacted to something that I didn't consciously. My coworker must have been waiting for that, because:
Coworker: Lizard! You're a lizard!
Me: Shush! Keep it down!
Coworker: Holy shit I knew it, you're a lizard! Help! Everyone! She's a lizard person!
Me (hushed, desperate): What are you doing! Lower your voice! They're going to come after me!
Coworker (no longer able to keep a straight face, but valiantly trying to continue): Lizard! LIzard! Lizard people in the lab! They're taking over the world! Help me! Giant lizard!
Me (glancing around, smiling nervously at someone walking by): Nothing to see here. I think he forgot his meds.
Coworker (laughing his ass off, waving at the person to come back): Help! She's going to eat me! She's a lizard!
Me (giving him a desperate look, whispering urgently): Are you trying to get me killed? Stop it! Shut up! GOD!
At this point, he's about to fall off his chair. I don't know, I guess you had to be there. It was pretty funny from his point of view, I suppose. I wonder how long he's been waiting to use the whole Lizard People thing, but I'm pretty sure he didn't expect me to play along -- or even to stay in character.
I don't say anything for a long time. I stare at him and shake my head. I look around a little. I chew the inside of my cheek and fidget nervously. He's still laughing, but he's starting to sober up when he realizes that I'm keeping a straight face. Once he does, and before he says anything:
Me (pleading): Please, please, please, don't say anything. I'm just. I'm just gonna --
Then I left. Just like that.
I walked back to my office, but when I saw him peeking around the corner to watch me, a little confused, I walked a little faster. Then I ran all the way up the stairs as fast as my broken toe could take me.
I get waylaid for a few minutes by another coworker, but eventually I do make it to my office. I sit down, unlock my computer, and notice there's a bunch of messages from him through the interoffice chat:
Coworker: Um.
Coworker: You were just playing along, right?
Coworker: I was just kidding.
Coworker: Hello?
Coworker: Are you there?
Coworker: You're not really a lizard person, are you?
I could see the Coworker is typing on the bottom of the screen, and, being the little shit that I am, I went Offline.
About five minutes later, he comes upstairs, kind of cautious and curious and, well. Concerned. Very, very concerned. I see him, pretend to panic, and I start grabbing my things -- my bag, my iPhone, my coat -- and he kind of goes... pale.
That's when I lost it. I started laughing and couldn't stop. I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. He stared at me for a few minutes -- I'm gasping for breath at this point -- and his expression went everywhere from scared to confused to understanding to furious, because I'd gotten him so fucking good.
Coworker: YOU LITTLE SHIT.
He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
WORTH IT.
After a what the hell discussion about a problem we've been having, and coming up with no conclusions except to commiserate and agree, yes, there's a problem, fuck if we know what to do about it, I got up and was about to leave his office.
Right away, he notices something.
Coworker: You're peeling.
Me (annoyed): Yeah, I'm peeling. It's been three weeks since my vacation, why am I peeling now? Do you see how much it's peeling? It's like I'm growing an entirely new skin. It's just coming off --
Coworker: It's almost like you're a lizard.
I look at him in some alarm. Maybe the subconscious fear-motivator that's my hind brain reacted to something that I didn't consciously. My coworker must have been waiting for that, because:
Coworker: Lizard! You're a lizard!
Me: Shush! Keep it down!
Coworker: Holy shit I knew it, you're a lizard! Help! Everyone! She's a lizard person!
Me (hushed, desperate): What are you doing! Lower your voice! They're going to come after me!
Coworker (no longer able to keep a straight face, but valiantly trying to continue): Lizard! LIzard! Lizard people in the lab! They're taking over the world! Help me! Giant lizard!
Me (glancing around, smiling nervously at someone walking by): Nothing to see here. I think he forgot his meds.
Coworker (laughing his ass off, waving at the person to come back): Help! She's going to eat me! She's a lizard!
Me (giving him a desperate look, whispering urgently): Are you trying to get me killed? Stop it! Shut up! GOD!
At this point, he's about to fall off his chair. I don't know, I guess you had to be there. It was pretty funny from his point of view, I suppose. I wonder how long he's been waiting to use the whole Lizard People thing, but I'm pretty sure he didn't expect me to play along -- or even to stay in character.
I don't say anything for a long time. I stare at him and shake my head. I look around a little. I chew the inside of my cheek and fidget nervously. He's still laughing, but he's starting to sober up when he realizes that I'm keeping a straight face. Once he does, and before he says anything:
Me (pleading): Please, please, please, don't say anything. I'm just. I'm just gonna --
Then I left. Just like that.
I walked back to my office, but when I saw him peeking around the corner to watch me, a little confused, I walked a little faster. Then I ran all the way up the stairs as fast as my broken toe could take me.
I get waylaid for a few minutes by another coworker, but eventually I do make it to my office. I sit down, unlock my computer, and notice there's a bunch of messages from him through the interoffice chat:
Coworker: Um.
Coworker: You were just playing along, right?
Coworker: I was just kidding.
Coworker: Hello?
Coworker: Are you there?
Coworker: You're not really a lizard person, are you?
I could see the Coworker is typing on the bottom of the screen, and, being the little shit that I am, I went Offline.
About five minutes later, he comes upstairs, kind of cautious and curious and, well. Concerned. Very, very concerned. I see him, pretend to panic, and I start grabbing my things -- my bag, my iPhone, my coat -- and he kind of goes... pale.
That's when I lost it. I started laughing and couldn't stop. I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. He stared at me for a few minutes -- I'm gasping for breath at this point -- and his expression went everywhere from scared to confused to understanding to furious, because I'd gotten him so fucking good.
Coworker: YOU LITTLE SHIT.
He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
WORTH IT.