[Conversations] You're not God
When I realized that we don't have a can of lentils to use to make dinner, I did the only thing a sane person would do -- continue to clatter about the cabinet in search of a can of lentils. At the noise, the Spouse comes into the kitchen.
Spouse: What are you looking for?
Me: Lentils. We have no lentils. Why don't we have lentils? Where have all the lentils gone?
Spouse: Jack buried them under the beach.
Me: Jack's an asshole. I need the fucking lentils.
The spouse, being taller -- and because he finds it hilarious that I have to stand on my toes to reach the back of the second cabinet -- reaches over my head and starts clattering about the cabinet in search of a can of lentils. In the process, he takes out every single can and leaves them on the counter before announcing...
Spouse: We have no lentils.
Me (unamused): No shit, Sherlock.
Spouse: Why don't you use something else?
Me (putting away all the cans he left on the counter): Because I always use lentils in this dish.
Spouse: Are you going to the store to get some?
Me: No, I'm going to make some.
Spouse: You can't make lentils. You're not God.
I put a can down hard on the counter, put a hand on my hip, and give him a squinty-eyed look.
Me: What did you say to me?
Spouse: You're not God.
Me: Wanna bet? Get the fuck out of God's kitchen. God's going to make lentils.
(I don't care how grammatically incorrect it is to say "I'm making lentils" when I could've said, "I'll use the dry lentils". I'm damn well making lentils. It's what God does.)
Spouse: What are you looking for?
Me: Lentils. We have no lentils. Why don't we have lentils? Where have all the lentils gone?
Spouse: Jack buried them under the beach.
Me: Jack's an asshole. I need the fucking lentils.
The spouse, being taller -- and because he finds it hilarious that I have to stand on my toes to reach the back of the second cabinet -- reaches over my head and starts clattering about the cabinet in search of a can of lentils. In the process, he takes out every single can and leaves them on the counter before announcing...
Spouse: We have no lentils.
Me (unamused): No shit, Sherlock.
Spouse: Why don't you use something else?
Me (putting away all the cans he left on the counter): Because I always use lentils in this dish.
Spouse: Are you going to the store to get some?
Me: No, I'm going to make some.
Spouse: You can't make lentils. You're not God.
I put a can down hard on the counter, put a hand on my hip, and give him a squinty-eyed look.
Me: What did you say to me?
Spouse: You're not God.
Me: Wanna bet? Get the fuck out of God's kitchen. God's going to make lentils.
(I don't care how grammatically incorrect it is to say "I'm making lentils" when I could've said, "I'll use the dry lentils". I'm damn well making lentils. It's what God does.)